New relationships after divorce - how do people do it?

[why100000]

I was with my ex for 21 years - 22 years if you count the last year during which we had to live together while we were getting divorced. He moved out last April after a traumatic divorce, and horrible last few years of marriage.

Now here I am trying to process all of this, as well as the emotionally and verbally abusive aspects of my marriage. Ex and I are not on speaking terms at all (we have teenage dc) - he was vile towards me during the divorce, and in any case one of the reasons I instigated the divorce was due to his inflicting very long silent treatments on me (months at a time), so he is hardly going to talk to me now.

I have just turned 50 (), and really I feel like a functional, plodding, anxious, veering on the edge of being depressed, asexual nonentity.

I have no idea how I might ever meet anyone else, how to flirt, be interesting or anything of that nature. And in any case I am grieving for my ex, and do not want to be with anyone who isn’t him .

What is the matter with me and how do you meet men at my age? I have no evenings off as where ex is living at the moment is not suitable for the dc to stay over.

How do you even think that someone might like you when your ex obviously hates your guts and spent the last few years of your marriage obviously disliking you so there must be something wrong with you?

Sorry for the self indulgent downer, I just don’t know how to get out of this mindset.

Maybe this is it - no sex or romance ever again and just accept it?

What a downer .

I'm watching with interest because I feel exactly the same.

If the man I married, the person I considered my soulmate, can dislike me enough to have an affair, then anyone can. Who would ever be interested in me, if even he wasn't in the end? What would be the point of a relationship, when it would obviously eventually end, with him cheating, or it fizzling out, or whatever? How can I ever conceive of having sex with another man or allowing anyone to see me naked?

I have looked at dating sites but I can't compete. I don't have any interesting hobbies. Most days I barely function. I work, do what needs to be done at home, sleep.

It's been five years for me. It gets better apparently.

My tip would be.........take your time to

Re-build yourself. The self esteem, the self confidence. You are still a young woman. flowers]
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I don't know. I feel the same

I know what you mean, my partner hasnt wanted intimacy for ages why would anyone else

Just because one man doesn’t want to be with you/intimate with you does not mean there aren’t plenty out there that who would love to!

Rebuild your life, get some hobbies, and make yourself feel good- exercise, new haircut, new top etc

Then make some active effort- online dating, meet up apps, evenings out with others who have shared interests.

Don’t expect to meet somebody straight away but keep an open mind. Socialising & realising others want to date you will be a big confidence boost.

You absolutely can do this, so many others manage it you are no exception (though it may feel like it!)

Be kind to yourself everyone! Xx

I feel the same.

Nothing on earth would make me try online dating.

TBH I think you have this round the wrong way. They don't think of you at all when they cheat, it is all about me, me, me. If they feel a bit guilty then they rewrite history to make themselves the poor unfortunate person who is misunderstood and just needs an affair or ten to make them feel loved.

I was with horrible exH for thirty years, married for twenty-two, split seven years ago.

I think, as women, we are conditioned to please others and to blame ourselves when things go wrong. My exH was horribly manipulative, negging me and bullying me were his favourite pastimes (with the odd punch here and there) but even he admitted that the affair which was going on when I found out he was cheating, was because he felt he worked hard, he had ticked the box of having the wife and family at home and was "entitled to some fun".

I didn't enter into the equation at all and in fact he has no idea who I am because he never bothered to find out anything about me. I just filled a box marked wife.

The OW at the time was "the love of his life". When she refused to leave her husband, he picked up a new woman within two weeks and suddenly she was "the love of his life". It's all about having a shiny new audience, there is no real emotional depth there at all.

Of course, it came out that he had been having affairs for years, starting when our first DC was born - classic territory for men who think they have you trapped.

It has taken a lot of time and a lot of counselling for me to realise that actually he was so much the centre of his own world that he was never capable of the sort of mutually supportive, loving relationship where each of you puts the other first, that I wanted. I was fooled and I fooled myself.

I'm not without scars, I don't ever want another relationship because I believe that most relationships are about women serving men and I've done my time for that. There might be a better one out there but I don't have the time or the inclination to risk it and I'm pretty darn happy on my own.

I met my lovely husband online. At 48.

Time and seeing a good psychotherapist really helped.

My ex was emotionally and financially controlling as well as being a multiple cheater

It takes getting emotionally healthy yourself, not needing to be in a relationship, being at a point where you can see, like and accept a potential partner as they really are (without hoping they'll change etc), and accepting that you may get hurt but that it's worth the risk.

All of that took counselling and time to come about. Plus a refusal to settle for any red flag behaviour.

Oh and knowing and valuing my self worth, and being content to be alone rather than lose that.

And me.
I also don't know how on Earth you can make light conversation when my entire adult life - and consequently all my significant life experiences - were shared with the one person you are really not meant to mention if supposedly trying to start a date? So many 'first date' conversation topics will inevitably lead back to him.

And yes, I don't want anyone who isn't him. Even an affair and four years later.

‘
I'm not without scars, I don't ever want another relationship because I believe that most relationships are about women serving men and I've done my time for that. There might be a better one out there but I don't have the time or the inclination to risk it and I'm pretty darn happy on my own.’

Amen sister!

You've been married for 22 years, forget meeting another man, it's time for some me time! Focus on re building yourself and your life as a single woman for now. One step at a time. Find some hobbies, exercise, stepping out the comfort zone, make new friends - meeting a man right now should be last on the to do list.

Thanks for all the messages.

to all going through the same. To me it feels like the shame and humiliation of being so disliked will never go away. It feels like a monumental failure.

It’s true, it’s time to concentrate on myself (as well as my dc ) - I forget sometimes and feel panicky about time passing.

It doesn’t help that ex got together with someone months before we had stopped living together. Long late night phone calls, new clothes and underwear, long showers before going out - a final kick in the teeth.

I think I do need (more) counselling - it’s finding the time and money though

I'd concentrate on building a life for now. Develop interests, see friends etc. Your teen DCs don't need babysitters, which is helpful.

More counselling, more time to grieve and more time to build yourself up before contemplating another relationship.

IME relationships for the sake of it, or when you aren’t really ready are disastrous and only serve to make you feel worse.

I met someone after divorcing XH. We met onine relatively quickly, but I didn’t have as far to go as I had emotionally disengaged from my marriage years earlier.

I so understand.
This last marriage where I thought we were the loves of each other's lives, well until he had his head turned and that was that. I don't think I could ever trust another man as his loyalty to me was strong until he had other options. Men our age expect a whole lot of care-taking and I just don't want to do it anymore. It would be really nice for a man to actually take care of me for once and meet my needs, but I don't see that happening. Not interested in cleaning up after someone and doing all the daily drudge wife work.

I might just focus on group activities or possibly having some male companions to go to things with.

I didn't worry about dating. I spent time doing all the things I couldn't do when married to an abusive dickhead. Including counselling.

In fact I never dated. I just got with filling my life with stuff for me and my kids met DP through some friends. We were friends for a bit. I like to know someone before I romantically go out with them. So online dating wasn't ever for me.

My exh was a wanker and treated me like shit. He thought I couldn't do any better. Dp thinks I am amazing. Just because one man is a dick to you and makes you feel worthless, doesn't make it true. I know it feels true. But it's not

@Boysandbuses I take it you're not in your 50s.

Why100000 Are you me?! Our stories are so similar but I am a few years further down the line.

As pp's have said counselling helped a lot and taking time to build myself back. I then met a few (much yoinger!) men irl which were just flings but helped also to build back confidence so I braved OLD and met someone nice there which developed into something.

Ultimately though I am not looking for 'the one' or to ever live with someone again I value my independence too much.

Take time to nurture yourself

I cannot flirt to save my life. Ever seen the red head in jumanji 2. My attempt would be like that.

I felt awful after my divorce. Felt I was never going to meet anyone so much so that when I then met my now partner of 6 years I repeatedly pushed him away friendzoning him as I thought he was not interested. 6 happy years later and a baby on the way at 41 I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Give yourself time to heal first. Get yourself a social life and friends to go out with and just think about doing things that make you happy for a while. When you’re healed and smiling and having fun someone will come along and just be your usual happy self. The hardest part about divorce is finding happy you and leaving your ex deadweight behind.

Firstly you have to find you, it takes time.

All the things your ex has said about you is his opinion only, these things were said to hurt you and question yourself. My exh was the same.

Councilling helped me greatly, I did not go out socially for a year after my exh left - I went to work/ home again as I felt my dcs (15 & 19) at the time needed me more than I needed to go out.

I started after the year by seeing girlfriends, going to zumba classes and made sure over the weekend period I visited a garden centre or library just so I was not indoors moping.

Nine years on life is good.

Concentrate on you firstly.

BoysandbusesI take it you're not in your 50s.

Why? What difference does that make?

I am not that far off actually and I had young kids. Not older teens. I was with exh for over 20 years.

OP I think a big part of the problem is that you're hung up on the 'shame' of being disliked by your ex. So let's pick this apart:

• Your ex was an abuser. He is not emotionally capable of being in a healthy relationship.
• Abusers are manipulative and they need to be in control. You didn't allow yourself to be controlled and this is why he 'disliked' you. It's nothing to do with you as a person, you just didn't want to play his game anymore.
• You should feel proud of yourself. Would you rather be liked by this man and be stuck in a miserable, damaging marriage, or be disliked by him and have your freedom and self respect?
• It's natural that you can't imagine being in another relationship right now and that's ok. Get to know yourself again as an independent person away from your ex. Do things you enjoy, try things you think you might enjoy, give yourself time and space to adjust.
• Once you've done the above, hopefully you won't really care if you find a man, and if you do it's a bonus. It's a cliche but it's often when we're not looking that we find them under our noses.

You made the right decision and you're now free. Remind yourself of that every single day x

It’s perfectly fine in life not to have a partner.

I enjoy it. After a disappointing marriage and lots of disappointing dates, I have found other things to make me happy, not leave my dogs who are better company that my husband ever was!

Not least