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Original poster

He doesn’t want to get married..

32 replies

AdviceNeeded3282 · 10/02/2019 20:13

Advice / thoughts please. Been with partner since teenage years. Have everything together, house, 2 children, we are approaching 30. He knows I want to get married, he has proposed, yet says he isn’t keen on the idea of marriage at all and the only reason he will have a wedding with me is to keep me happy. I don’t know what to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceNeeded3282 · 10/02/2019 20:14

“To keep me happy because he knows how much marriage means to me”

OP posts:
HumptyDoo · 10/02/2019 20:16

Did he say it rudely?

Because I can imagine that someone might not care about marriage but would do it because it was important to their partner.

Original poster
AdviceNeeded3282 · 10/02/2019 20:18

He hasn’t said it rudely. Just says marriage isn’t important to him as nothing would change between us (we have been together 12 years). He just says he wouldn’t get married but if it’s what makes me happy then he will.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2019 20:20

Why and how did he propose if he doesn’t want to get married?

There are many reasons for a person and a couple to want to get married. If he’s okay with it, even if not delighted, and it makes you feel more secure and would make you happy then I’d go ahead with doing it.

RandomMess · 10/02/2019 20:21

I would still go ahead for legal reasons tbh especially if you are a SAHM, earn less/ your pension isn't as good.

CocoKoko123 · 10/02/2019 20:21

OP did you discuss this before setting up a home,life and family together?

Original poster
AdviceNeeded3282 · 10/02/2019 20:22

He proposed on holiday over a year ago. I asked him why he bothered - he said because he knew how much I wanted it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceNeeded3282 · 10/02/2019 20:23

And no I never discussed this before starting a family with him. Wasn’t something I thought about when we had our first child at 20.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 10/02/2019 20:23

Thing is you can’t go and force a wedding on him. He only proposed to make you happy

Huntawaymama · 10/02/2019 20:23

What's more important, him or being married? My husband didn't want to get married and I was a bit gutted to begin with but over the years realised I wanted to be with him and I didn't want to marry anyone else, he was more important than marriage. I said I'd change my surname by deed poll when dd1 starts school which he said was boring and we'd get married and have a party. We did and it was lovely but it hasn't changed our relationship one bit. He's my world but not more so since we tied the knot. If it wasn't for the surname we probably wouldn't have got married

Romanov · 10/02/2019 20:25

are you still working OP? or SAHP?

Lollypop701 · 10/02/2019 20:25

It’s not important to him, but if it is to you he’ll do it. He’s being honest. He knows it’s important to you. Sounds good to me, He loves you regardless. Just book the wedding! My husband didn’t necessarily want kids but knew I did . he’s a fabulous dad if 2

Original poster
AdviceNeeded3282 · 10/02/2019 20:26

We both work full time, he earns nearly double what I earn, so puts more into his pension. We also have other properties together. I know the legal side would be good for my own protection but I just wanted our day together if that makes sense? To be husband and wife ?

OP posts:
SauvignonMum · 10/02/2019 20:27

That would hurt me.

I'm not sure that I could look my fiancé in the eye, say our vows, and know that he didn't want to be there.

How is your relationship otherwise?

CocoKoko123 · 10/02/2019 20:27

Hmm ok I just wondered.no judgement at all - just think it’s important for people to be on the same page in a relationship.does he come from a broken family?do you think that could have put him off marriage?i would hate the thought of my partner going through with getting married if his heart wasn’t in it-it’s a tough one.is he anxious about the ‘show’ of it. Are the children/inheritance etc protected as it stands or would being married bring those financial benefits with it?

Parthenope · 10/02/2019 20:28

Well, he’s offered, so marry him if you want to marry him. I only married my wonderful long term partner because he really wanted to — I loved (and still love) him and was committed to him, but would have preferred not to. No indication of lack of love, I simply wasn’t keen, and while I did marry him, I was entirely upfront that it was because he wanted it. Are you expecting him to fake enthusiasm or something?

Original poster
AdviceNeeded3282 · 10/02/2019 20:29

Just makes me feel stupid booking a wedding and my family getting exited if he is not bothered about it. He says “if it’s what you want, book it”.... but I feel like what’s the point if he isn’t bothered !

OP posts:
Romanov · 10/02/2019 20:30

its good you are working,

So - you want the 'day' that's whats important to you?
Have a party - a marriage is not a wedding, and I agree its not nice that he is anti marriage as to you that's saying he doesn't want to stay with you forever?

Parthenope · 10/02/2019 20:30

He’s been honest about his preferences but is prepared to do something for you — assuming your relationship is a strong one, why wouldn’t you go ahead?

Original poster
AdviceNeeded3282 · 10/02/2019 20:31

You are right there is no point in him faking it. It’s all quite the opposite really - I am from a broken home (my parents had a MESSY divorced when I was 13). His parents are still married but don’t really like each other (think they’re in the generation when there is no point in being divorced/you say your vows and you mean it).

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/02/2019 20:32

If you want a big party have one for your 30th Thanks

He loves you enough to marry you even though he's not that into it, that does count for a lot!

Babdoc · 10/02/2019 20:34

So he earns double your salary and has a bigger pension pot. I can see why he prefers not to get married!
OP, you are very financially vulnerable if you and he split up in future. It would be wise to marry to safeguard your interests.
You don’t have to have a big expensive flashy wedding, if you know his heart isn’t in it. Just the two of you, a couple of witnesses and 20 minutes in a registry office will do the job.

Parthenope · 10/02/2019 20:35

I just asked DH and he says he was very touched that I agreed to marry him, because he know how opposed to it I had always been — he says it made him think I must love him a lot to compromise on something important. Which is true.

Parthenope · 10/02/2019 20:35

He KNEW how opposed...

Haffiana · 10/02/2019 20:36

Do you want to get married or do you want a wedding?

They are quite different things...