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Original poster

To ask for a handhold and a kick up the arse?

37 replies

Strangecreatures · 10/02/2019 19:09

Hi everyone (name changed for this)

I'm sorry to ask but I really need to hear some words of encouragement on how to stay strong for tonight.

I've been seeing a guy for around six months now, we said at the beginning we would see how things went although we are (were) official if you like.
Due to us not spending much time together recently and ive had some doubts about whether we are suited for eachother (which he doenst know, yet) we have decided to call it a day.
We messaged eachother last night, I have felt for a little while things weren't right and I could feel a break up looming. So it didn't take me by surprise when he said he had been having similar doubts. On his side it's mostly due to us not being able to spend much time together (due to his work and me having dd) so we agreed to call it off, it was all very respectful and amicable. We have decided to remain friends as we knew eachother before dating. All good.

My issue is, and reason for needing a reminder to stay stong/handhold, is that hes coming over tonight so we can talk face to face and put it all to rest (although he's spending the night as hes driving and we agreed to have a bottle or two of wine.. eeek...) now I know he's not the right guy for me, for a few different reasons, mainly lifestyle and character differences but I'm soooooooo attracted to him Blush and part of me wants to keep things like they were and not have to face the truth of it being no more.. from a few messages he's sent and the fact he's coming over, to spend the night, with wine.. I've got a feeling they'll be talk of "well can't we just try and do this to make it work" etc etc, we both like eachother, fancy eachother etc sort its hard to call it off when nothing bad has really happened (not really anyway..) We're just not right for eachother and it's not working because we hardly see one another.. which I feel can be fixed if I was prioritized but that's another story.. anyway.
Please remind me to be strong and stick with what my gut is telling me! If we got 'back together' I'd be in this same place in a couple of weeks won't I?? Maybe he won't want to and is genuinely just coming for a chat and to smooth things over so we can be friends in the future and it'll all be fine anyway?? I'm just worried that I'll cave if he does ask to give it another go because I like him so much, but I know its not right too.

I'm sorry this is all pathetic and it's hardly aibu worthy but I am posting for traffic as he's coming round in an hour! Shock

OP posts:
53rdWay · 10/02/2019 19:13

although he's spending the night as hes driving and we agreed to have a bottle or two of wine.. eeek...

This is not how to break up with someone. You are absolutely going to end up in bed together.

When he arrives, tell him: no wine, no sleepover, you’ll have a short and sober conversation about it and then part on good terms. You can build friendship back up gradually over the longer term. Don’t get hammered and have emotional 3am conversations around someone you’re still attracted to!

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 10/02/2019 19:15

I know!!! 😳🙈
What am I doing!?

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 10/02/2019 19:17

Why do you have to have a discussion about splitting up. You have decided to split - End of !!

ReaganSomerset · 10/02/2019 19:20

So, basically, he wants a goodbye shag?

Dua Lipa said it best - If you're under him, you ain't getting over him.

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 10/02/2019 19:20

That's a very good question..
I guess we just felt we owed it to eachother to have the conversation face to face rather than over text?? We have known eachother a long time and planned to continue to be friends so I guess we felt like it was the respectful thing to do??

OP posts:
ReaganSomerset · 10/02/2019 19:20

In fact, listen to that song. On repeat. Then do as advised.

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 10/02/2019 19:22

What if i want a goodbye shag though.. 😳 this is part of the issue Tbh..

OP posts:
Lovingbenidorm · 10/02/2019 19:26

Oh op🙄
You KNOW what’s going to happen and you WANT it to happen.
I think you only posted in the hope that someone would tell you he’s worth another go.
It’s utterly ridiculous to spend an evening drinking and talking with someone you’ve just split up with.
Same old same old ad nauseum

ReaganSomerset · 10/02/2019 19:28
Original poster
Strangecreatures · 10/02/2019 19:29

I wanted someone to come along and enlighten me with wise words on how not to 😭

This is all in my head.. there's still a very good chance he just wants to talk it over tbh.

OP posts:
Hazlenutpie · 10/02/2019 19:31

Get a grip OP. Call him or text him now to call off this stupidity. You know I'm right.

ReaganSomerset · 10/02/2019 19:31

Don't shave your legs? Take all the bedding off your bed and then turn the heating off?

Crinkle77 · 10/02/2019 19:35

You clearly still fancy him so the chemistry is not the problem. What is it about him that means your not suited. My partner and I are complete opposites but still work.

Posesinavase · 10/02/2019 19:35

So tonight will probably go something like this;
awkward greeting when he arrives,
exchange pleasantries,
start drinking wine with small chat as you will both be waiting for the other to bring up the break up.
Start to feel tipsy the conversation comes up.
Followed by lots of I like and fancy you etc for either or both of you.
More wine.
Drunken goodbye shag as previously mentioned.
Then come tomorrow morning, your feeling slightly/very hungover, mascara is smudged on your face waking up naked with the guy you dumped feeling self conscious and knowing you won't see him like that again.
You might regret the goodbye shag and make you emotional.

Basically think of tomorrow morning before you touch the wine.

Good luck op

Lovingbenidorm · 10/02/2019 19:41

There’s nothing to talk over! And if there is this is NOT the way to do it.
Tomorrow morning you are going to be an emotional mess

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 10/02/2019 20:04

Yeah I am worried that if anything happens it'll make me feel worse tomorrow (I've had a few tears today as it happens to I am upset about the whole thing.. that added together with a hangover.. eesh) so thats a good point.
We also have an up coming trip in a few weeks, all paid for and something we were both looking forward to so we agreed to still go to that with eachother, as friends. I guess tonight was also to smooth out any awkwardness so we'll be good for this trip (before anyone says, I am 100% gonna go, I want to go see this performance and nothing is going get in the way of that)
God this all sounds so messed up doest it Confused why must I make life hard for myself 😩

crinkle we're different in the sense I'm sensitive and he's quite blunt, he's already upset me with some things he's said. I'm not sure if it's down to him deliberately being nasty or me being sensitive and I don't want to spend my life guessing that.
So its my sensitivity vs his bluntness that I know will cause issues in the future. (We obviously have other differences but that's the 'bad' game changing one, for me)
That and we only see eachother a couple of times a week and I can't see it changing, it would mean him doing a lot of leg work that I doubt he'd prepared or able to do.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 10/02/2019 20:06

If you want to stay friends, a drunken emotional goodbye evening and shag isn't going to help. It messes things up for a while. Sensible plan would be to cancel his visit, leave it ended, and arrange to meet up in 6-12 weeks when you are both feeling ok with not being together.

I can't see you doing that now!

You cannot be 'just friends' with someone you have a lot of chemistry with still after a break up, you have to go cold turkey. Or it's a aching way to drag out yours/his heartbreak 😟 (and not really move on for best part of the following year...)

If either of you miss each other too much in that long gap time with clear heads and NC, then you'll rethink decision to break up.

OffToBedhampton · 10/02/2019 20:12

Hold on, you have a DD and see each other 'only' twice a week and you think you barely see each other?? Whilst you are getting to know each other... (Is that two sleep overs or one? Either way, you might find many dating single parents think that's the perfect amount!!)

Sparklesocks · 10/02/2019 20:13

I don’t understand what else there is to discuss? You both agreed amicably it wasn’t working, why sit and drag out reasons why? You have the answer so why do you need to see how it got there?

I would call it off and say it’s not a good idea, because it isn’t. And I think going on the trip is a bad idea too.

Why put yourself through it?

Kittykat93 · 10/02/2019 20:14

Never heard of breaking up with someone by inviting them round to drink wine and stay overnight. I must be getting old

mistermagpie · 10/02/2019 21:06

And then arranging to go away together a couple of weeks later...

Lovingbenidorm · 10/02/2019 21:42

This whole situation is going tits up big time, I despair I really do.
You’re going on a trip?
I’m really not sure why you’ve posted tbh you’re going to do exactly what you want and it’s all going to end in a shit tip.

pepperjack · 10/02/2019 22:27

Oh do whatever you want
So what if it's a goodbye shag
Don't stress just go with if

LonelyAmongUs · 10/02/2019 22:54

Never heard of breaking up with someone by inviting them round to drink wine and stay overnight. I must be getting old

I know how you feel, my eyesight is fucked with age.

I misread the title of this thread as asking for a handheld and a stick up the ass.

DailyBaileys · 11/02/2019 02:07

@Lonely -- I misread it as, a handout and kick up the arse! lol