He says I'm holding all the cards.....

[gonelongago]

'D'H has historically been awful to me, verbal, emotional and small amount of physical abuse. For context, one thing that happened was we were arguing on the way home from a night out, walking through a park and he pushed me and I fell over, landed on hands and knees, grazes to both. I stayed on my hands and knees as I was shocked, he shouted at me to get up and I said "no, I need to get my breath back" he said look you're so pissed you can't stand, not true. Anyway, he walked home and left me. I got up and sat on a bench for a while, a couple came along and they said please come back with us, they gave me stuff to clean my hands and knees, coffee, asked me to stay, but I did go home. It was probably 2 hours after the event. DH had no idea I'd come home, he slept peacefully until 9.30 the next day. He really couldn't care less if I was ok or not. It wasn't the sore hand and knees that hurt, it was his complete lack of interest if I'd even got home, from being left on the floor in a park at midnight.

Anyhow, that event and 100s of others, have led me to want to end the marriage, so he's had a change of heart, realises he's a shit, apologised for the awful dreadful things he's previously said (he has been extremely verbally cruel, about everything about me, weight, anxiety issues, everything imaginable). But, I'm struggling, I'd wanted this for so long, wanted him to be sorry to see the error of his ways and now.......I can't move on, I've tried and tried, but stupid things set me off even a fucking coronation street story. He then says that it's my lack of forgiveness and ability to move on that's going to end the marriage, why I care what he thinks I don't know, but I do.

So, if I want to save this marriage how do I deal with getting so upset, thinking back and dealing with reminders. I also feel pretty stupid for not leaving, I think logically he's said this, said that, done this, done that, he can't possibly love me.

BUT

I am still here.

Sorry to explain the title, he says I hold all the cards to saving the marriage and I have complete control, I actually hat him telling me that because I don't think i do!

He’s right you do hold all the cards. You do not need his permission to end the marriage.

It is not your fault you want the marriage to end. Just the one incident you highlighted would enough for me.

Is his apology genuine or is he just trying to suck you back in again? Do you think that he won’t do this again?

@ThanosSavedMe that's it, who knows, I fear the cruel words again so much. No matter that I think "oh fuck off you nasty bastard" they do hurt, it feels like they haunt me.

You need some space from this situation. Could you stay with someone else for a while to get some clarity?
I think you know he won’t change and you need to think of yourself and where you go from here.

That's a good idea to get some space, but it's difficult logistically for me. Maybe he has changed, but how do I know, after six months, a year, 5 years? I just feel that I could go three years with nothing happening, be in a better place and then one incident will have me back to square one. Or it could never happen again as he's promised.

He is a real pig, isn't he?

Of course these things will happen again. He takes comfort and enjoyment from them happening. He feels superior to you - and he needs you so that he feels superior to someone.

Practically speaking, what's your situation? Do you work? Are there children? Do you own or rent a home? Do you want to live in that area?

Practically I'm fine, adult DC, property owned and I could and would be able to move area. I just feel so scared, I've been married for many years. When he's nice and 98% of the time he's great, but during disagreements he's vile, goes way to far, then won't speak to me for days.

The thing is that you are the only person who's affected by this: you are the one who has to live with this disgusting man. You have one life - surely you want to be happy and safe?

He's only sorry now because he is going to lose you. Get rid.

Married or not?
Nothing will change, he is just scared his whipping boy is leaving...

It would only take ONE incident of nastiness and I would want to get out of the relationship. (Luckily my dp's a gentleman and loves me dearly). In that one incident that you described, that's what he really thinks, that's what he's really like. That's how much he cares - he doesn't! What are you scared about, OP? His reaction? Being on your own? Isn't it better to be on your own rather than subject to another person's whim and will?

if you are constantly waiting for the one incident that will take you back to being destroyed again, then I fear it is broken beyond repair.

The rule of thumb op is, if he has been like this for years, then a minutes worth of apology isn't a lifetimes worth of change.

Can he list what he has done wrong , and how he's gong to address it? Will he go for counselling? I doubt it, and why should he, he's banking on you forgiving him, and is angry that you are not believing him.

He's put the onus back on to you, so if you split up, it's all your fault.

Honestly why would you forgive him, you could have been attacked in that park or worse, what a hero he is eh.

Let him go, go find your own happiness op you have served your time.

I wish you hadn't gone home that night he left you in the park. I would have liked to have known what he would say to the police, your family and your friends about where you were.

Yes you do all hold all the cards now. And he will hate that! The only reason he’s being like this now is because YOUVE taken control back. Once you are back under his spell, he’ll revert back to type - been there seen it and got the T-shirt

I reckon him saying 'you hold all the cards' is his way of actually saying 'If you end this, the end of this marriage will be ALL YOUR FAULT'.

He hasn't changed at all, he's just scared of losing his punchbag.

If you drop a vase you can glue it back together, but it’s never fixed. It’s together but broken. He needs to understand that some things can’t be fixed.
LTB and don’t look back.

"You hold all the cards" implies he still sees marriage as win/lose rather than genuine love or equality. The park incident is shocking because of his callous behaviour and contempt for you.

Read Patricia Evans, the emotionally abusive relationship, it will help you understand how he views relationships.

I suspect he fears financial upheaval and losing home comforts.

I wouldn't want to grow old with someone like that.

The incident where he pushed you over in the park and just left you and went home to sleep peacefully.

He didn't give a shit if you were hurt and upset. What if you'd been attacked? Yet this is supposed to be your lifepartner that loves you?

Verbal physical, emotional cruelty. Anyone who is ever capable of that is not to be trusted

As pp's have said - you don't need his permission to end your marriage.

& Particularly as it was only the threat of this that has made him change (for now)..

Just, No. There are better people out there. Even being on your own in perfect peace is preferable.

Talk about render oneself totally unfanciable, he's lucky you are still there

Your adult dc would be gutted to know of your life op....

OP, i was you. But with 2 young kids. I believed my exh, he went to counselling did everything he could, admitted what he had done, was sorry blah blah blah.

It was all bollocks, he just changed how he had digs, manipulated me etc He was telling me about one of his sessions and said the counsellor thought some of his behaviour was from when I split with him a few years before. So I asked him if he pointed out that he was displaying all those behaviours before. He Apparantly forgot. He had no problem remembering the bits that made me look bad or where she blamed me. But he wasn't honest with her at all.

It took about 5 months for me to realised he hadn't changed, he had changed tactics.

Leave, walk away. If he wanted to change, he would have.

I'm grateful for all your comments, currently have people over for dinner. I'll be answering properly ASAP.

OP, I left my ex after a very long time, decades. Even my ex didn't go as far as your DH did with that incident in the park.

And I'm glad I did, even though money is tight. I'm never going to worry about being ex's verbal punchbag, or for any of the other shit I put up with. The "nice" bits weren't enough to balance things out.

I would recommend you look at women's aid website.

Also Google "narcissistic personality" and "hoovering"

His abuse/control of you is like a drug to him and you're threatening to cut his supply off cold turkey, so he's panicking and will promise the earth to keep it - but he won't follow through because to get his hit he has to belittle you.

"Your adult dc would be gutted to know of your life op...." I think they're the children of the relationship. What age did they leave? I suspect they know exactly what he's like and would be very supportive of op leaving.

I'm the child of an abusive relationship. At times I have begged mum to leave, I've had to accept she never will. That's her choice. But it is a choice.

Op make a better choice.

Bloody hell OP, you are worth more than this! Why are you wasting your life with this shitbag?

That park incident has made me shudder. 😳

I think he's chipped away at you so much, you think this is all you deserve?! You deserve more and you should demand more.

This is not a normal loving relationship! Don't let him manipulate you.