He says I'm holding all the cards.....

[gonelongago]

'D'H has historically been awful to me, verbal, emotional and small amount of physical abuse. For context, one thing that happened was we were arguing on the way home from a night out, walking through a park and he pushed me and I fell over, landed on hands and knees, grazes to both. I stayed on my hands and knees as I was shocked, he shouted at me to get up and I said "no, I need to get my breath back" he said look you're so pissed you can't stand, not true. Anyway, he walked home and left me. I got up and sat on a bench for a while, a couple came along and they said please come back with us, they gave me stuff to clean my hands and knees, coffee, asked me to stay, but I did go home. It was probably 2 hours after the event. DH had no idea I'd come home, he slept peacefully until 9.30 the next day. He really couldn't care less if I was ok or not. It wasn't the sore hand and knees that hurt, it was his complete lack of interest if I'd even got home, from being left on the floor in a park at midnight.

Anyhow, that event and 100s of others, have led me to want to end the marriage, so he's had a change of heart, realises he's a shit, apologised for the awful dreadful things he's previously said (he has been extremely verbally cruel, about everything about me, weight, anxiety issues, everything imaginable). But, I'm struggling, I'd wanted this for so long, wanted him to be sorry to see the error of his ways and now.......I can't move on, I've tried and tried, but stupid things set me off even a fucking coronation street story. He then says that it's my lack of forgiveness and ability to move on that's going to end the marriage, why I care what he thinks I don't know, but I do.

So, if I want to save this marriage how do I deal with getting so upset, thinking back and dealing with reminders. I also feel pretty stupid for not leaving, I think logically he's said this, said that, done this, done that, he can't possibly love me.

BUT

I am still here.

He then says that it's my lack of forgiveness and ability to move on that's going to end the marriage

He is plain wrong. Him treating you like crap is to blame.

People like that never, ever change. They don’t want to change because they think it’s everyone else that’s the problem. Hence him trying to blame the marriage problems on you when it’s perfectly clear that it’s his fault.

Please get away OP and start a new life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells.

Why are you even considering his words ?

He is abusive

You could have been dead in a ditch for all he cared that night he assaulted you and left you to fuck knows what in the park

What the fuck happened in your life that you could look past that ?

What would you say to a friend in this situation ?

No, YOU are not ending the marriage. HE is, as a result of years of awfulness. Of course he's not nasty all the time, otherwise you'd leave. He's nice just enough so that he can be nasty too. He enjoys it. He likes hurting you. And now you're going to take that away from him so he's promising to be nice again. I wonder how long he'll last. 3 weeks? A month? Believe me, he's not going to suddenly change.

Get out now. Don't listen to his guilt trips. Think back on all his shit, get angry, and get out.

When he's nice and 98% of the time he's great, but during disagreements he's vile, goes way to far, then won't speak to me for days

No - he is not great. I've been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and left that pig. DP is great because although we occasionally argue we don't go to sleep on it - & NEVER has or would he speak to me the way my ex did, the way your H talks to you, in the years we've been together.

The leaving you in park incident is unforgivable, thats before all else you've said.

An abusive prick isn't "great" just because he chooses to be nice sometimes. How about not being nasty? That's 'Great'

1 life, OP. You don't get a rewind. Be very honest with yourself and think how your future then old age years will be with him.

I get that you are scared to leave. But you will eventually be scared that you stayed.

Ok, so he does come across as THE NICEST person in the world, no one dislikes him. His children think he's great and is truly lovely to me.... because I've always made them believe that (don't know why!). He can easily convince them in mid menopause and gone mad......one of his "attacks" was when I said i didn't think I could have sex with him again, I was finding his behaviour all to awful ......he said that's ok, I'll just tell everyone "she's a woman of a certain age" of course no one would be interested and in reality never know about our sec life.... but that hurt.

@AnyFucker, why do I allow this? I think a lot has got to do with so much childhood abuse..... I believe by four different people by the time I was 14. I think I attracted and still attract abusers...... is that something in me? I don't know.

I am sorry.

But you can break this cycle of abuse.

And love, I do not believe that not one person has his measure. Often times, people play along with he is a Nice Guy because they know you stay no matter what and don't want to alienate you

I bet if you ended it you would get a chorus of "he wasn't good enough for you"

@AnyFucker god you've made me cry! Just in a realise you understand way!

No,not one person would think he's wrong. I went away with a couple of lovely friends, who are much younger tHan me, they were like, oh he's so lovely and special, so nice.... I was so close to saying,,,,,,,,, no he's not!

But again being me ..... I didn't!!!

Why have I built him up to be perfect?

I sometimes think if I just disappeared away from everyone it would be great, no explanation, no questions.

But I'd miss my SC so much.

Aww. You need to realise your worth. It is not with him.

*dc not sc!

Please go, don't waste your life with someone who doesn't deserve you, he won't change in the long run, it's who he is.

He then says that it's my lack of forgiveness and ability to move on that's going to end the marriage

And with that 1 statement he has frozen you and manipulated you into believing that you taking back control of your life, realising you don't need to be abused by this narcissistic bastard and leaving him is a bad thing. That you would be doing something wrong when actually it would be the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

Narcissistic abusers do come across as a wonderful person to the outside world, they are masters at putting on the mask and showing the outside world what they want it to see. I guarantee you though that most people know that there is something off about him and your children will absolutely know what he is like and how he treats you. You may think you hid his treatment of you from your DC's but kids see and hear so much more than you realise. I expect they don't think he's great and treats you wonderfully, they will have learnt from the cradle the walk on eggshells around him and avoid his behaviour being turned on them and to keep their mouths shut about his treatment of you in case it made it worse.
Do yourself a favour, use the power you hold, leave his vile excuse for a man and take back your life. I think you'll be surprised by how many people aren't surprised when you leave and find out the kind of monster man he is behind closed doors.

If any of you met me in real life, you wouldn't believe I'd got myself into this situation.

You are still in thrall to him

He is not worth your time.

Total strangers were far kinder to you than your “d”h. You don’t have a choice you must end this farce of a marriage.

Look at doing the freedom program that is run by Women's Aid, it will help you realise your self worth and regain your self esteem so you can escape this prison of a relationship. You can go to sessions (if they're run in your area) or you can do it online.

@LargeGlassofWhiteWine, thank you I wil.

You have one life. Don't waste it on someone who's been abusive towards you as we all know - happens once will happen again

This is just so sad XX

Saying it's your inability to forgive does not sound like a remorseful person to me.

What he should be saying...is "I messed up " " I treated you badly and I have no right to expect your forgiveness... but if you can find it in your heart... I would be eternally grateful" and you know what? You still don't owe him forgiveness even if he got on his knees and kissed your feet.

OP, I don't believe everyone thinks he's nice.

I left my ex 2 years ago (that long already?)

After I left, so many people told me they didn't like him, that they found him unpleasant and arrogant. They had just been biting their tongues for my sake.

I doubt everyone thinks your DP is really that nice.

Op I split from my ex "just" because he cheated. Not only were his own family & friends shocked and critical of him...

But - quite a few of my friends and family and friends we'd made since getting together quite soon after the split said to me "never liked him, he was always up his own arse and disrespectful to you"

It's only in the last few years since reading mn I've noticed/realised that some of his behaviour could be emotionally abusive.

I split from him 16 years ago so it's partly that kind of thing wasn't known/talked about too.

He was a sulker and quite controlling in certain ways, on the possessive side (though I never gave in to that, I have a brother and lots of male friends which he struggled with at the beginning but I made it clear early on I wasn't tolerating that nonsense), he'd also shut me down or try to during arguments.

I can totally relate to the "frog in slowly boiling water" analogy as I put up with worse crap off him as time went on - I just couldn't be arsed arguing about certain stuff.

However - if he'd ever hit me or abandoned me late at night in a park he'd have been gone!

Also - you know what? His public "image" is irrelevant. My dad had a very good public image with certain people until I disabused them of their perception.

To the outside world he was mr magnanimous, life of the party, old school gent.

In reality he is/was a violent, abusive alcoholic.

I have one friend who was our next door neighbour at one point and really struggled as they weren't particularly soundproof houses and she'd never heard anything but he wasn't a particularly loud abuser, they aren't always. But when I reminded her of my mums frequent "accidents" she remembered her wearing body covering clothes even in heatwaves, she "got it".

Their idea of him being incorrect doesn't negate the reality FOR YOU.

There's a reason for the phrase "street Angel house devil"

"If any of you met me in real life, you wouldn't believe I'd got myself into this situation"

A - I wouldn't judge YOU
B - I would absolutely believe you.

I've had SO many girls and women from such different backgrounds and different personalities disclose to me about past abuse I think I'm past surprising. I'm more surprised (and sceptical) when I come across a woman (my age especially) who claims NEVER to have been abused/harassed/assaulted and indeed on here and in real life when you dig deeper it's usually that they're "not counting" the older boyfriend that groomed them, the dodgy teacher that was "touchy feels" all the groping and cat calls on nights out etc. I've even come across women in genuine denial (as in the psychological condition) about quite serious abuse they've endured. But in those cases I don't push as its a coping mechanism and it's not my place to push them into dealing with something they're not yet ready to.

I feel so sad for you OP.

You are worth so much more than this. The park incident reminded me of similar I went through in an abusive relationship, it showed such contempt for you.

Leave. And don't look back - who cares what other people think anyway.

Google Covert npd. I left a very similar "nice" abuser. He could be charming but it was dependant on me conforming. I wasnt allowed to have needs.

For many years we were in the nice/nasty cycle until I learned boundaries and then his nice mask completely disappeared. I would warn you that if he knows you will leave he could be vengeful. Ex became unhinged when he realised he had lost control so plan quietly to leave.