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Original poster

Assertive modern female or brazen whore?

38 replies

Helpisathand13 · 10/02/2019 05:48

Ok, any views appreciated. In a nut shell....met a guy on a dating site, got along great, gave him my number, messaged and spoke over the phone over a period of three weeks. I asked to meet, thought why not?! I could easily have stumbled over him in a bar. Met this weekend, I booked a room and we stayed over.......together. I have never done anything like this before and probably never will again! But you know when you just think what the hell, life is for living......but now I'm like second guessing myself. He has messaged me today and all seems okay. But.....is it really?! Have I thwarted any chance of a longer term relationship by being such a brazen whore or was I simply the assertive modern female? Ouch I don't know. Help please to sticky tape my dignity back together or give my head a wobble.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2019 05:50

Stop over-thinking. If it's meant to work out, it will. Try to relax, you've done nothing wrong.

Shoxfordian · 10/02/2019 05:55

Wow, you've really internalised some misogyny to be describing yourself as a whore.
You're allowed to like sex, even allowed to have one night stands. Maybe this will lead to something, maybe not but you had fun so don't overthink it

spreadingchestnuttree · 10/02/2019 05:55

"brazen whore"? Seriously?

How about him? Or are there different standards for men? Confused

Original poster
Helpisathand13 · 10/02/2019 05:57

I know I am over thinking it, was soooo out of character but felt great to do (and still does really) Grin. Just a niggle of doubt hit me hence awake at this hour!

OP posts:
Dimsumlosesum · 10/02/2019 05:59

Why on earth would you described yourself as a "whore"?! Men really have done a number on our society.

Original poster
Helpisathand13 · 10/02/2019 06:00

I suggested the meet, booked the room, yes of course he agreed.
It was my assertiveness in this situation that created the doubt.

OP posts:
rvby · 10/02/2019 06:01

Whore?? Really? Are you calling me that as well? Because I've definitely had sex with men I've just met.

rvby · 10/02/2019 06:01

Why would your dignity need to be pieced back together...?

I have so many questions

Original poster
Helpisathand13 · 10/02/2019 06:02

Whore more in jest and turn of phrase than actually complete self loathing-just trying to give the extent of thoughtBlush

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpisathand13 · 10/02/2019 06:04

I am not one to rock up and just sleep with a guy. I did. I've done it. I thoroughly enjoyed it. But you know when you come down from the glow and feel about cheap and doubts creep in at 5am? That's where I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpisathand13 · 10/02/2019 06:05

*abit not about

OP posts:
Cwenthryth · 10/02/2019 06:09

Wowza..... wobble wobble, woman! Unless money exchanged hands for services why on earth are you referring to yourself as a prostitute, and using a derogatory, misogynistic term at that? Posting this early on a Sunday I’m guessing you might be awake with ‘The Fear’ after the night beforeSmile so I’ll be direct: stop judging yourself by a different standard to this man. He has also chatted to you for 3 weeks and then stayed over in a hotel room - but you’re not pondering over his dignity. Stop linking your worth to an appearance of chastity because you are female - that is classic sexism and internalised misogyny in action.

Honestly I’d say 3 weeks chatting before spending a night together isn’t even that remarkable - it’s quite normal for adults to get it on with much less introduction than that, and if a man was judging women based on when they chose to be intimate with him - well he wouldn’t be the kind of man I’d want a long term relationship with anyway.

But also: don’t be thinking in terms of long term relationships when you’ve chatted to someone for 3 weeks and met them once. Don’t overinvest emotionally early on - and this is definitely early on!

StarlightLady · 10/02/2019 06:10

Asseritive, lovely, confident, sex positive woman.

And please do not consider the other word.

So pleased you had a nice time.

Now celebrate!

Cwenthryth · 10/02/2019 06:11

Crossposted with....everyone Grin

Original poster
Helpisathand13 · 10/02/2019 06:13

I appreciated that. Thank you. To give some perspective my last relationship was for 23 years.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 10/02/2019 06:23

"Modern"? Yes if the 1980s were modern. Women enjoying sex wasn't "modern" even before your last LTR started.

AuntieStella · 10/02/2019 07:07

If yountend to fall for people you have had sex with, then this I not be good for you.

But that's something you only learn by doing. . So I hope that you are enjoying the process of finding out.

Do not short out the normal assessment processes of early dating - remember that you don't know him well yet and he's presenting his best side.

Sally2791 · 10/02/2019 07:10

Well done for trusting your instincts and doing what you wanted. If he was to think bad of you that's his problem, he's done the same thing. Relax and enjoy, wherever it goes

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 10/02/2019 07:10

Nothing wrong with what you've done, as long as you both were sensible about contraception

Arealhumanbeing · 10/02/2019 08:17

Coming down from the glow can be odd sometimes. And a bit tough! It’s pure internalised misogyny though. Try to put it to one side. Maybe have a few sessions with a sex therapist. Just to talk things through and get your mind right for your new life.

Also please don’t say Whore, especially about yourself. There is a world of sex and freedom and new experiences waiting for you. You’re entitled to enjoy it. 😊

category12 · 10/02/2019 08:26

If he were the kind of hypocrite who thinks poorly of you for this, then you're better off finding out sooner than later. (Not to mention, some blokes are perfectly capable of hanging on through multiple dates for the sex and then doing the shag and run, so holding off is no protection from that). Have sex when you want to, and enjoy it for what it is.

GuitarStringsIIIIII · 10/02/2019 08:32

You're not a whore. It's perfectly natural to crave sex. Men act on it all the time, and they're not branded whores. I agree with PP, you have some major internalised misogyny going on.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/02/2019 08:39

How weird to use that phrase about yourself...

To give you a bit of context, my sixth formers are currently studying Chaucer, in which a number of female characters are depicted as thoroughly enjoying sex, in the fourteenth century. So you're a bit behind the times there, for a start.

And one of my (male) students commented on the use of the word "harlotrye" to describe one such woman as pretty strong and not really justified.

So congratulations: you're slightly more misogynistic than a sixteen year old boy!

bellinisurge · 10/02/2019 08:40

Awful choice of words.
If you were my daughter (I'm old) I would say you are an adult woman and you felt this was right in the moment. If he doesn't like it or somehow thinks it's an excuse to think poorly of you , that's his lookout.
Stop overthinking. And don't use that word about anyone ever again.

Bookfour · 10/02/2019 09:09

Nothing wrong at all