Assertive modern female or brazen whore?

[Helpisathand13]

Ok, any views appreciated. In a nut shell....met a guy on a dating site, got along great, gave him my number, messaged and spoke over the phone over a period of three weeks. I asked to meet, thought why not?! I could easily have stumbled over him in a bar. Met this weekend, I booked a room and we stayed over.......together. I have never done anything like this before and probably never will again! But you know when you just think what the hell, life is for living......but now I'm like second guessing myself. He has messaged me today and all seems okay. But.....is it really?! Have I thwarted any chance of a longer term relationship by being such a brazen whore or was I simply the assertive modern female? Ouch I don't know. Help please to sticky tape my dignity back together or give my head a wobble.

Do you like him?
Did you enjoy yourself?
Did you hurt anyone?

If the answer is yes to the first two and no to the last then stop stressing...

You don't sound 'suited' to casual sex (well obviously there's no certainty this will turn out to be casual sex cause you two may meet again and it may become a relationship; though equally it may fizzle out from one of both sides).. but the bottom line is that you don't sound suited to it.

Some people are, some aren't.

I'd honestly advise you to hold off in future (if this doesn't work out obviously) and take your time, avoiding scenarios likely to lead to 'fast' sex eg alcohol, high horniness (get some erotic literature or whatever floats your boat and take the edge off with that big you are in that state), no night time meetings etc.

From your background and reaction to this I just think you're likely to get hurt in these scenarios. Unfortunately some men don't see relationships that start with sex as being potentially serious because they've had sex before their emotions were engaged (among other reasons). Obviously some don't feel or think like that but I wouldn't rely on it.

Many women get an oxytocin attachment (and resulting anxiety & upset if the guy doesn't follow up with a great deal of contact and interest) from sex - even my most 'logical', apparently detached friends have ended up crying about sexual encounters they had - which they actively happily pursued at the time (usually while drunk). I don't believe it's just socialisation, it's partly hormones/nature to attach and to feel weird about sex with no relationship of commitment.

(Obviously for some women, not all).

*or not of

• I should add - they ended up crying about the encounters because it had become clear the guy wasn't interested in meeting again whereas they went from happy go lucky and somewhat indifferent immediately after the sex - to increasingly wanting to have contact with him/see him again in the few days afterwards.

Many women get an oxytocin attachment (and resulting anxiety & upset if the guy doesn't follow up with a great deal of contact and interest) from sex - even my most 'logical', apparently detached friends have ended up crying about sexual encounters they had - which they actively happily pursued at the time (usually while drunk). I don't believe it's just socialisation, it's partly hormones/nature to attach and to feel weird about sex with no relationship of commitment.

That is so very true. I wasn't suited to ONS. I enjoyed the moment but the aftermath was painful. And it certainly wasn't just psychological.

Sounds like you had a fantastic time. If he’s going to get cold feet because of you’re night together then he’d be a big fat hypocrite and you’re better off knowing it now.

Mooncup - I have a theory that it's because (until recent history) the woman could be pregnant from the encounter and the child has more chance of survival if she 'secures' the support and resources of the father, not securing them leads to v fearful, negative feelings.

A man may not feel that way because it's not him who potentially suffers if there is a pregnancy/child.

Interesting concept merville

And OP I echo the others-nothing wrong at all with having asserted yourself sexually in this situation but heed others warnings of reading too much in to the situation - it may develop into something more,it may not. I am one who gets easily attached so these sorts of things always end with a dent to my self pride!

It makes absolute sense Merville

There is a high cost for females having sex. Contraception may physically change that reality but our bodies haven't caught up with that yet!

Sorry op I kind of went off on one and didn't include the most relevant part to your immediate circumstances; who knows whether what happened will have s negative impact on the likelihood of this working out as a potential relationship, who knows of it will affect his attitude.

It could be that he's in contact thinking this will be a nice fwb situation for as long a it lasts,bid if could be that's he's not thinking that way at all and is open to a relationship. Time will tell. (And if course you could ask him but he may not be honest,nor even know himself).

You can certainly communicate to him that you are out of a very long relationship and did something v spontaneous and outbid character for you, but if you come across as too invested, needy, insecure, self conscious etc it could be off-putting.

Ateotd, no matter what, it's still very early days and you have a lot of getting to know each other to do before establishing if you are right for each other (and he's a genuinely good guy) for a relationship.

How did you leave things? Did he go after you did the deed or did he hang around for breakfast? Im considering a similar scenario but also think I'd end up overthinking etc

Whore = misogynistic term for a woman who exchanges money for sex.

This wasn't transactional. You didn't feel you owed him sex or do it in exchange for anything.

You did it because you wanted to. No one got hurt.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. Your shame is solely due to your own internalised misogyny due to decades of sexist indoctrination.