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Original poster

Is this a midlife crisis my husband is having

29 replies

Barbara13 · 10/02/2019 02:48

We have been married 23 years and I always thought happily 3 years ago his mum passed away then I had cancer he was brilliant my rock we were a very together couple but now I hardly know him
I have been told he has never loved me married me for the tax relief his drinking more and more I have stopped him enjoying music and basically he has never been happy with me tonight our grand daughter was meant to sleep over but he was drunk when I got in from work so I had to go to their house to have her he seems to have lost interest in the family and his mood changes like the weather he has also moved out the bed room I am at my witts end I love him and just want my husband back this has been going on for months now he also mentions his age most days he use to be loving now I get all sorts said mostly not nice

OP posts:
CloudyTuesday · 10/02/2019 06:27

It might be but that's no excuse really is it?

When my xh started behaving like this, it was an affair. You might want to consider the possibility. The rewriting of your history, blaming you for things that are patently not your fault, drinking, sleeping separately - all hallmarks.

Whatever the reason, you shouldn't put up with his mistreatment of you, you cannot spend the rest of your life like this. I imagine you are upset and asking him what's wrong, and walking on eggshells whilst trying to appease him? If so, stop it. Tell him to leave if he's so unhappy, and see where he goes. Muster your dignity and tell him you are unwilling to put up with his awful behaviour, he will respect you more for it. Be prepared to follow through, you deserve better.

supersop60 · 10/02/2019 09:43

It sounds like MLC, triggered by his mum's death, and your illness. He's suddenly become aware of his own mortality, and is now starting to want to turn back the clock and do things he used to do when he was younger (ie be single, carefree, listen to music etc) Sometimes this can lead to an affair.
I agree with cloudy - don't put up with it. You can't solve it or change him. All you can do is look after YOU.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2019 10:11

If my husband told me he never loved me and married me for tax relief, I'd be filing for divorce mid life crisis or not.

If I didn't do that, then I'd be telling him the marriage of over anyway and we can both be free to find someone else.

Quite simply...I'd say as much as I love you, it's clearly not reciporacted... so go and find a woman who you can love and I'll do the same (a man) as life's too short.

I'm sure he'd soon have a response to that.

When you say nothing, you allow someone to speak to you and it becomes acceptable for them.

Orange6904 · 10/02/2019 11:17

Could there someone else, my ex got nasty and started drinking a fair bit when he was seeing someone else at work. Everything was my fault and he hated me and had never loved me etc.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/02/2019 11:41

Yes, it sounds like a midlife crisis, but it's his shit to sort out. You may need to make decisions that are rather more in support of you than of him or your relationship together.

PurpleWithRed · 10/02/2019 11:51

If by mid life crisis you mean "will he just get over it and go back to how he was" the answer is "unlikely". Do you want to spend the rest of your life with the man he has become?

ohamIreally · 10/02/2019 16:07

Midlife crisis + affair + rewriting history to make it your fault.

I would start getting your ducks in a row because if he is planning on leaving you he will be doing that right now.

Sorry this is happening to you Thanks

Livelovebehappy · 10/02/2019 16:53

When this happened to me, I thought MLC too, but it turned out he was seeing someone else. Mine said he no longer loved me, showed total disinterest in doing anything with me, started drinking heavily and slept on the sofa. He had also lost his brother and father in quick succession. It could of course be MLC, but look for other clues whether it could be OW, ie clingy with phone, disappearing for hours at a time etc. IME having OW in these situations is a lot more common than MLC.

Singlenotsingle · 10/02/2019 16:57

Cherchez la femme. I can guarantee there's an OW in the background. Maybe he had the MLC first and then started with her. Or maybe he started with her first and then realised he's getting old. It doesn't reallly matter which way round it happened.

stayathomer · 10/02/2019 16:59

Flowers ( Nothing I can add. Whatever it is, he's said his piece it can't be undone)

IJumpedAboardAPirateShip · 10/02/2019 17:01

Affair and MLC often go hand in hand in any case...

IncrediblySadToo · 10/02/2019 17:08

Tell him it’s over.

Because it is.

I’ll eat my phone if there’s not another woman.

But you might not want to believe that right now, and that’s fine. The way he’s behaving is horrible, irrespective of why, and no he won’t go back to who he was/who you thought he was.

You can do this 🌷

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2019 17:20

Your husband is having an affair. His script is spot on.

ScrumptiousBears · 10/02/2019 17:46

My dad began behaving like an arse like this. It was another woman.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/02/2019 18:07

MLC? Affair? Does it matter? He’s treating you appallingly

Shelbybear · 10/02/2019 20:32

Aw this is so sad for you. Could it be the drink and he's actually hiding how much he's having?

It all sounds very similar to my dad who ended up an alcoholic, he hid it well but eventually he was lying about it and got caught out numerous times.

He lost his mum and dad within year. He started drinking more and more and was depressed. He drank to cope but it made the depression worse, vicious circle. He was in his 50's, I think he just saw life differently. He had stopped socialising, didn't have as many friends etc.

My mum stuck by him but I don't know the half of what she went through. She said he was really mean and hurtful at times and he was a different person.

He's a lot better now but this went on for years probably at least 5/6 years and the last 2 years were hell. I honestly don't know how she put up with him. Think she was too scared to leave coz of her age and they had been married over 30yrs.

I'd definitely try n find out just how much he is drinking. Is he saying these things sober or drunk?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2019 20:33

He's fucking around

Shelbybear · 10/02/2019 20:35

Just read ur msg again and sounds so much like my dad.

Everything's ur fault, u don't make him happy. I bet he says ur a nag! The mood swings too, my mum was always walking in egg shells trying to please him.

Beansandcoffee · 10/02/2019 20:36

I thought my ExH was having a MLC. Arguments over new sporty cars, going out more, etc etc. Actually he wasn’t. He was having an affair. He is now an ex.

Original poster
Barbara13 · 10/02/2019 23:06

I honestly don't think his having an affair my dad had loads and I have been doing detective work lol I don't think she would be happy with how little time he would have for her reading up on the little there is on men's midlife crisis it is pointing to it mood swings drinking age he now won't go back to our marriage counsellor because she said he was 'no spring chicken "Smile that upset him but she was being honest he is saying he will look into treatment but that's today tomorrow might all change again having our house valuation done this week I honestly don't want to walk away but I will if he keeps pushing but am truly hurt that what we had could turn so sour

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/02/2019 23:09

The counsellor shouldn't have said that tbh. It's not helpful when you need to be unbiased and non judgemental.

Original poster
Barbara13 · 08/04/2019 17:56

Yes you were right he has been in lots of contact with another woman his ex wife have kicked him out lost the plot slashing his clothes etc so upset but definitely getting stronger x

OP posts:
BreastSideStory · 08/04/2019 18:03

@Barbara13 oh god... so it is because of an affair with his ex? I’m sorry x

Timeforabiscuit · 08/04/2019 18:10

I'm so sorry, have you got people around you?

Original poster
Barbara13 · 08/04/2019 19:00

Yes have best family and friends in the world x

OP posts:
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