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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell the mum?

34 replies

Luckybe40 · 10/02/2019 00:21

I’m in a bit of a confused state and not really sure where to go with this, if anywhere...and was hoping for some advice. I’m an extremely long term poster, but only my 2nd personal thread so this is totally ligit. The situation is my DS(7) had his best friend over for a sleepover a few nights ago. ( first sleepover with this boy in over a year) I also have a DD(5) who knows DS’s BF well. As you can imagine there was a lot of shouting, running, games ect...I wasn’t at home as I was at work but apparently about half way through the evening my DD was playing chase with DS’s friend around the house. (DS was taking the opportunity to play a quick game on his iPad. )My DH who was there was watching everyone, heard them go upstairs and then the sound of them going up her loft bed stairs, then silence. DH had an uneasy feeling straight away so headed upstairs immediately into DD’s room to find them in her bed with the boy on top of DD and DD shouting “ get off me, get off me!!!DH said( more shouted I suspect ) “what’s going on here! what is he doing DD? to which she replied that he was trying to kiss her. DH told them to get downstairs and then boy jumped up and ran out whilst looking very sheepish, and guilty. DH had a quick chat with DD to make sure she was okay( the longer talk about what had happened came later) but she’s totally fine. The rest of the evening was fine and everyone had a great time DD included. My question is WTF???? I’m really REALLY upset about it (DH called me and told me straight away as he knew I would want to know) I was unfortunately a victim of SA within the immediate family from the age of 6-11, my “D”B so I am really struggling with being objective about this. It’s totally thrown me and has been a huge trigger which I feel is clouding my objectivity...I don’t know if I should tell the parents about the (in my mind inappropriate) behaviour of their son, if I should just leave it, was it sinister or just kids playing...I have NO idea. If I do mention it to the mum I am worried of insinuating (no matter how matter of fact I am) that there is something “wrong” with her DS which I really don’t want to do. Or maybe I should just leave it. But there’s been a few instances of him displaying inappropriate behaviour at school( pulling his pants down in front of his classmates and exposing himself. ) but even that, is it just him trying to get a laugh or could it be indicative of a deeper issue? The family seems to be great but obviously no one knows. I just DONT want to overreact or underreact based on my history...what do you guys think?

OP posts:
MoorMummy · 10/02/2019 00:26

Based on what you’ve said , I wouldn’t be speaking to the parents, it would be school ( who have probably already noted the behaviours you describe) or SS. It has been known for children being abused to exhibit this kind of behaviour.

NotTheFordType · 10/02/2019 00:29

there’s been a few instances of him displaying inappropriate behaviour at school( pulling his pants down in front of his classmates and exposing himself.

Even before this little nugget I was all ready typing "of course you tell his mum"

It might be that his mum is already aware and has sacked off the older male who has instigated this.

It could be she has not been made aware by school or other parents.

Or maybe she's been made aware but as she's the abuser she is great at pulling the wool over peoples eyes.

Tell her, and tell the school. If you will find this too hard because of your own history, then your DH shoud do so. (actually he schould do so anyway since he was the one who witnessed it.)

Original poster
Luckybe40 · 10/02/2019 00:37

I’m really conflicted about this as it could have been him playing or getting carried away... it’s the secrecy that bothers me, that he waited till he got her alone. Is this normal behaviour? I know that kids are exposed to sexual behaviour (tv, computer games, ect) at a much younger age. I just don’t want to be labelling a child as a molester when it could have been with no ill intent.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/02/2019 00:49

I wouldn't be having him sleep over again.

It's a tricky one though....because he's only 7 and you telling his mum could make her pull him away from your DS...out if embarrassment.

I think I'd let it go.... but watch him like a hawk if he comes for a play date.

Bryjam · 10/02/2019 01:02

It's a tricky one though....because he's only 7 and you telling his mum could make her pull him away from your DS...out if embarrassment

Is that really what your worry would be? That your son lost a friend?

Jesus i would be concerned the poor boy was being abused!

I would talk this one through with the safeguarding lead at school or the NSPCC for advice maybe?

Don't go direct to the mum, she will only take it as a criticism.

Original poster
Luckybe40 · 10/02/2019 01:05

Defo no more sleepovers!!!!

OP posts:
justilou1 · 10/02/2019 01:12

School. Definitely. AND watch him like a hawk. I would also consider contacting SS in case he is being SA. Displays and behaviours like this unfortunately are signs.

user14869556378 · 10/02/2019 01:19

I agree with another poster - speak to the teacher who is already aware of him exposing himself and make him / her away and leave it in their capable hands. Personally I wouldn't speak to the mum direct about it.

Original poster
Luckybe40 · 10/02/2019 01:21

What if the teacher/school/SS approach the mum? What on earth would I say?

OP posts:
Bryjam · 10/02/2019 01:22

What if the teacher/school/SS approach the mum?

Well if they feel they have reason to it will be in order to protect both her child and other people's, so that could only be a good thing.

What on earth would I say?

Not sure what you mean. You don't have to say anything.

Original poster
Luckybe40 · 10/02/2019 01:42

I mean if the teacher approached the mum about the incident and then the mum came to me...she’d freak out!

OP posts:
Bryjam · 10/02/2019 01:43

mean if the teacher approached the mum about the incident and then the mum came to me...she’d freak out!

Why?

Weezol · 10/02/2019 02:18

Your name won't be disclosed.

Sally2791 · 10/02/2019 07:21

Definitely mention it at school. It sounds part of a bigger picture and the authorities need to be aware

Georgepigthedragon · 10/02/2019 07:32

You can normally make an anonymous referral online. I wouldn't worry about his mother's reaction. We all have a duty to protect children.
This might be completely innocent but with the concerns raised at school I would be a bit concerned. SS normally ring round other services before they contact parents anyway to gather information. They only contact parents if it is deemed concerning enough.

ree348 · 10/02/2019 07:33

It sounds like the boy needs professional help, I would definitely be speaking to the school first thing and let them handle it.

You could be saving him from sexual abuse - morally it's the right thing to report his behaviour.

FlagFish · 10/02/2019 07:39

Personally I wouldn't tell the mum or social services but I would tell the school. I would ask for a meeting with the head teacher and tell her what happened. Ask to stay anonymous if you like. They will record it, and add it to their knowledge of the boy. Safeguarding in schools these days emphasises the necessity of a "joined up" approach, so the school should have a system that makes note of any incidents involving him. If they feel that it is building up a worrying picture, they will make the decision to contact SS.

Mmmmbrekkie · 10/02/2019 07:42

I would have rung the parent last night

Not big drama or hysterics

But that boy would have stayed over last night and nor would he ever do in the future

Needsomebottle · 10/02/2019 07:54

If you're still uncertain ring the NSPCC for advice, they keep it completely anonymous as to who the informant is, they are experts in this and will talk it through with you and offer advice, signpost services that could also help you given what this has triggered. Then take it from there.

Personally I too would approach the school for advice. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to the nun myself and if something is amiss at home it could cause consequences for the child, and make them close ranks and put more strain on the boy to not disclose anything if he's spoken to etc. Best of luck.

Needsomebottle · 10/02/2019 07:54

Mum!!!! Not nun!!! I'm not sure a nun would do much to help!!

choccybiscuit · 10/02/2019 08:00

If this was my son I would definitely want to know. I wouldn't go to the teachers, after all it didn't happen in school time, I'd talk to the parents.

Bryjam · 10/02/2019 08:02

This isn't about what 'time' it happens at. It's about protecting vulnerable children. School will be invaluable.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/02/2019 08:06

I would tell the mum and then distance my children from the boy if I was you. Just let her know there was a “little incident at the sleepover not sure if your son mentioned it but....explain”....where you go from there depends on her reaction

Hairyfairy01 · 10/02/2019 08:07

Don’t speak to the family, if something is going on in this boys life you could be putting him at further risk. Give the nspcc a ring, they have a great phone line available for adults who are concerned over a child. I would probably speak to the head teacher as well so they aware, they could well be building up a ‘picture’ of incidents. Well done to your dd as well for shouting out (and to your dh for being so alert). Let her know she did the right thing.

choccybiscuit · 10/02/2019 08:11

Very true bryjam, talk to the parents and the school.