Should I tell the mum?

[Luckybe40]

I’m in a bit of a confused state and not really sure where to go with this, if anywhere...and was hoping for some advice. I’m an extremely long term poster, but only my 2nd personal thread so this is totally ligit. The situation is my DS(7) had his best friend over for a sleepover a few nights ago. ( first sleepover with this boy in over a year) I also have a DD(5) who knows DS’s BF well. As you can imagine there was a lot of shouting, running, games ect...I wasn’t at home as I was at work but apparently about half way through the evening my DD was playing chase with DS’s friend around the house. (DS was taking the opportunity to play a quick game on his iPad. )My DH who was there was watching everyone, heard them go upstairs and then the sound of them going up her loft bed stairs, then silence. DH had an uneasy feeling straight away so headed upstairs immediately into DD’s room to find them in her bed with the boy on top of DD and DD shouting “ get off me, get off me!!!DH said( more shouted I suspect ) “what’s going on here! what is he doing DD? to which she replied that he was trying to kiss her. DH told them to get downstairs and then boy jumped up and ran out whilst looking very sheepish, and guilty. DH had a quick chat with DD to make sure she was okay( the longer talk about what had happened came later) but she’s totally fine. The rest of the evening was fine and everyone had a great time DD included. My question is WTF???? I’m really REALLY upset about it (DH called me and told me straight away as he knew I would want to know) I was unfortunately a victim of SA within the immediate family from the age of 6-11, my “D”B so I am really struggling with being objective about this. It’s totally thrown me and has been a huge trigger which I feel is clouding my objectivity...I don’t know if I should tell the parents about the (in my mind inappropriate) behaviour of their son, if I should just leave it, was it sinister or just kids playing...I have NO idea. If I do mention it to the mum I am worried of insinuating (no matter how matter of fact I am) that there is something “wrong” with her DS which I really don’t want to do. Or maybe I should just leave it. But there’s been a few instances of him displaying inappropriate behaviour at school( pulling his pants down in front of his classmates and exposing himself. ) but even that, is it just him trying to get a laugh or could it be indicative of a deeper issue? The family seems to be great but obviously no one knows. I just DONT want to overreact or underreact based on my history...what do you guys think?

Let's get perspective here. What went on wasn't appropriate but at 7 years old he isn't necessarily able to understand rights and wrongs and form intent to harm someone so he isn't a monster. He could be a victim of SA himself or could have been exposed to inappropriate material. Your life experiences is obviously going to affect how you feel about this, rightly so, but your dd seems to have come out of it without too much upset so that's good. It sounds to me like this boy is potentially at risk himself so perhaps you should raise it with Social services.

Please inform the school. This could be the peice of information that makes the difference.
A friend had to inform the school in similar ish circumstances ( not SA - neglect) and it was enough along with other evidence to trigger SS investigation, thank God.

I think at 7 he does know when someone says get off you get off.

It was sly leading her away from safety.

Kids do explore these things but yes, I'd tell the other parent. I'd have probably said it last night and not let him stay after, but that's just me.

Given this is part of a wider picture, it is a bit worrying at the very least and school should know.

I'd let the school know and then take it from there. Tbh if I was concerned for my child I wouldn't give a shit about how the parents would react

If i was my son i would want to know, you should give her the opportunity to deal with it. She prob won't be happy but who would or mortified. If you go to the school etc first that's not fair . If she defends him then let her know you will speak to the school. There may be other circumstances other than SA going on behind the scenes.

I'd send her a text: "kids had fun on playdate. You may want to have a chat with X about boundaries as DH had to tell him off about pinning down DD when she wanted him to get off. See you soon". And then tell the school too.

Thanks everyone, for all your input. I kept DS & DD in my bed that night and slept with them, I really didn’t want them out of my sight...so....I am definitely 100% going to call NSPCC to get some advice. They will tell me what they think I should do. DH has read this thread and seeing it written down in black and white makes it a bit “real” and he’ll likely have a word with the DF of the boy. Just to let him know what happened. I would want to know if my DS did this...The DF is a lovely, very level headed man. But only if NSPCC say it’s okay. Thanks everyone so so so much, I was really all over the shop!

Hi OP I'd get your DH to hold off on telling the family until you've spoken to the NSPCC. I had a similar thing with my DS and an inappropriate friend. It can be a sign of a child being exposed to inappropriate behaviour or exposure to porn. If it is a possible safe guarding issue I would leave it to the NSPCC. In our case they passed it on to social services, and there were some problems in the home. These were very presentable parents but turned out the dad was into some hardcore stuff and his DS was browsing the websites!

Don't tell the parents!! My DB abused DSis and me when we were children, because he was copying the SA he was witnessing from our abusive F and others. Nobody had any idea, and really admired my F! You could potentially be putting the boy in danger by telling his parents.

Yes to calling NSPCC and to involving the school. It is very likely that he's acting out behaviour that he's witnessed. If that's the case, reporting the behaviour will get him the help he needs. My DB is very messed up as an adult.