How do I leave him?

[CarlosCarlos]

I’m in a relationship with a man who I am not happy with. He is an angry person with a short temper. He’s never hurt me but he is snappy and easily upset. I am treading on eggshells all the time. We’ve been together 3 years and don’t have much conversation. Being honest, we have nothing in common. He’s tight with money and isn’t particularly kind. Problem is, we had a baby 3 months ago. It wasn’t planned and I would never have a termination as much as I am pro choice. I moved to his home town so he could be near his child from a previous relationship. It just isn’t working for me anymore.

I am desperate to leave him but deep down don’t think I will. I want to move back to my home town where all my family is but that’s nearly 200 miles away. I’m scared I would feel too guilty and worry that my tiny son would end up not knowing his dad/spending extended time away from me.

I’m deeply unhappy.

I’m scared to be a single mum. I’m scared to leave him and end up living round the corner in his home town with no friends or family nearby.

I’m stuck. I’m sad. I feel trapped. This is the first time I’m admitting this (to myself also).

My son has a sister who adores him (DPs daughter from previous - she's 8). He's not a bad person. Is a good dad.

Please help advise me. I’m terrified that I’ve got myself in to this position and will never get myself out... not sure what to do.

I think I'm secretly scared that I'm going to look like a failure. Being a single mum with a nearly 4 month old...

Posted wrong time of night didn't I :(

If you are unhappy then leave.

You can’t remain in this situation as you are desperately unhappy. It will be easier to move now when the baby is young before they get attached to friends. Stop putting the needs of absolutely everyone else before your own. If you’re happy your child will be happy.

Could you temporarily move back to your hometown and in with family/friends for a few months? Sort out your emotions and work out a plan.
Tell him you need their support and you want to go away for awhile? If you are unsure maybe being apart will give you clarity.

I just don't know if I can do it without feeling so guilty to the point of not being able to cope. He's a good dad and I would fall apart if I was so far away from my son... i am so anxious but know deep down we aren't right together. It's taken having a baby to realise. I would never wish my son away. I wish things were different...

DSs sister is also very attached to him. I don't know how I can manage/fix this. I'm so down.

It's stupid but I'm also worried about how I will be judged by other people.

I'm really sorry but guilt is extremely self indulgent.

There are children involved here. If you choose to have your son grow up in the presence of a loveless, unhappy mother, and an angry father, I'm really sorry but you will set the poor bairn up for a life of pain, confusion and misery. He will learn that love looks like your relationship with his dad.

Would that be fair on the child?

Is it worth sacrificing a child's future ability to love, so that you can avoid indulging your guilt?

Even worse, so you can protect yourself from what you perceive as "judgement" for being a single mum?

What an insult to your son. Never mind single mums!

Big girl pants time. Your DS is more important than your feelings.

@rvby you're right. But it's so hard...

You can’t remain in this situation, I was in a similar place to where you are about a month ago... only difference is my ex wasn’t even a decent father and there had been problems throughout the relationship!

Really it’s like a bandaid, you just need to rip it off, will you be judged? maybe. Will your OH be upset? Potentially, but you can only control your own feelings not everyone else’s and life is far too short. And like another poster said do you really want your DS thinking this is what love looks like. I knew damn well I didn’t want my DD seeing my relationship and god forbid ending up in something similar!

You can't make life decisions because someone, somewhere might judge you. Many people judge other people; some silently and some not so silent. You'll never be happy if you live your life worrying about what other people think.

@Newmummy20181 I really don't want my son to grow up seeing his dad speak to me in the sarcastic tone he does. Sad thing is he really doesn't even realise he's doing it. He thinks it's normal and his brother's are exactly the same.

Is it something you could work out through counselling? And have you told your partner about his tone? Ultimately it is up to you if you stay in this relationship, but if you really feel like it’s over don’t let your fear of judgement stop you.. or anything else.

On another note for me in my situation the alarm bells really started going when the ex started calling DD a little sh*t and been sarcastic with me when I asked him not to. Now I’m not sure if your partner has spoken to your DS in such tone but believe me if and when he does itll make you realise how truly unacceptable it is x

@Newmummy20181 I just don't want to work it out. The separating bit is non negotiable. I don't want to be with him anymore.

I then have a choice. Stick around here and have no money, no support and live in a random town surrounded by him and his family, or move away to be near my family where I would be happy, financially stable and supported...

It's also hard as he has a DD who he has EOW. So that has to be factored in too

It is a tough call, I don’t think there is a right answer or solution to this. I’d say go be with your family in a better financial situation, with your support network and just be happy again. Yes it’ll mean your partner having to travel to see DS or you taking DS to him and at some point obviously doing overnight stays but as much as you’ll miss your son when he isn’t with you it is certainly better than a life of unhappiness.

Move back home. You will need the support of your friends and family. I did this and my ex drives all the way here for 4 hours to see our children. He understood I needed my mum to help as shes hands on and comes over almost every day.

He's going to go absolutely mad...

@HeyArthur do they have a good relationship? I don't know how I would manage with a breast fed baby... could he really take a tiny baby for the weekend? I have no issue with contact. I want my DS to know his dad but I think it would be distressing for him to be away from his mum for days on end...

What on earth do you do at Christmas time?

You have Christmas with your baby and if dad wants to see baby, he asks you to make an arrangement with him and you go from there.

Same for anything else.

Don't think failure, single mum etc, that's bollocks.
Think proud strong brilliant mum making sure her baby is safe and loved and in a loving home. That is something to be proud of.

Yes op they do have a great relationship. Very close but that's because I have put myself out and made it great for them. I have made sure comms are always open and that hes welcome in my home at any time although my ex prefers to stop at a hotel if he stays.
As you are breast feeding he cant take the baby away obviously so he will have to figure out a plan to come and stay at a hotel or b&b so he can see the baby. If hes not interested in doing that then he is the one who misses out.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.