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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“ I Don’t Want An Argument”

35 replies

Christmasfairy07 · 09/02/2019 23:46

This really annoys me! Sometimes if DH is unreasonable & I protest, he will say “ I don’t want an argument”. Well neither do I! Usually I’m just registering my disapproval of how he’s behaved or spoken to me. I find it quite patronising & dismissive. We did have a chat the other day & he’s aware of his bluntness & said that sometimes he just needs a bit of time then he apologises. However I didn’t bring up about him saying that he doesn’t want an argument & that it’s not helpful. Can anyone identify with this?

OP posts:
Hazlenutpie · 09/02/2019 23:53

It’s a way of controlling you. He s

Hazlenutpie · 09/02/2019 23:54

ays, whatever he wants, then uses that phrase to shut you up. Red flag!

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/02/2019 23:55

When he says that reply “you are trying to silence me and that’s not ok. I want a discussion not an argument.”

pissedonatrain · 10/02/2019 00:08

It is dismissive as he just doesn't want to hear it.

Yabbers · 10/02/2019 00:11

What do you do when he says that? What does he do if you argue?

Original poster
Christmasfairy07 · 10/02/2019 00:23

I usually say “ Well neither do I but you upset me just now” or “ Neither do I but you were being unreasonable”. He actually said the other day that if he started being unreasonable that I should walk away. He does regret stuff that he says & apologises but I think he needs that space to process what he says if that makes sense. He said that he doesn’t try to deliberately upset me. Not sure about controlling - he certainly displayed some controlling behaviours in the past but has worked very hard to turn himself around. I do tend to stand & fight whereas maybe it is best to walk away then talk about whatever happened later. I do think I need to tell him that it’s not helpful to say what he does

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmasfairy07 · 10/02/2019 00:41

Any other thoughts?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 10/02/2019 00:46

TBH the only time I use that phrase is to my DS. And he's in his 20s!

Its very Adult>child, don't you think?

lifebegins50 · 10/02/2019 00:49

It could be he needs time to cool down. It's ok to reschedule a discussion but it should be jointly agreed and commited to.
So you can say, let's discuss this tomorrow at xyz time and that allows cool off time.
It's a red flag if he won't hear your issues.

zebakrheum · 10/02/2019 01:03

"I don't want an argument" is a bit like saying "Don't you dare disagree with me" isn't it?

rvby · 10/02/2019 02:32

Its controlling. "I will tell you how I want you to act. Act that way or risk my disapproval."

If he feels the need to dictate the behavior of other adults, then he needs to get himself into counselling tbh.

MashedSpud · 10/02/2019 02:40

Rather than saying “You upset me.” Say “I am upset because....”. Quite often people shut down or get defensive when you use the word “You”.

SpinneyHill · 10/02/2019 02:50

I don't want to argue.

Don't then, learn to discuss issues like an adult.

CheshireChat · 10/02/2019 03:36

DP occasionally does this, it's pretty much a sure fire way to achieve an argument as on top of being annoyed by whatever I feel patronised so not really a way to pacify me.

AdoreTheBeach · 10/02/2019 03:43

Interesting reading this as I used that sentence just the other day with my husband. I asked a simple question about holiday plans (if they were made as I need to relay dates and flight times to a relative meeting us there) and he said he hadn’t made the plans, why don’t I do it as he has so much to do then proceeded to start to rant and going off on a tangent about all the other things he has to do, really working up steam - so I said I hear you and I don’t want to have an argument, not to worry, I’d do the holiday plans and report back what I’ve organised.

I don’t think it’s a blanket unreasonable sentence if it’s used to calm a situation.

Shoxfordian · 10/02/2019 06:05

Its quite dismissive
He sounds like he has been controlling before as well

IntestinalFlorist · 10/02/2019 06:31

I know this is a MN cliche, but is there any chance he could be autistic? My aspie dp used to say 'we are not going to argue about this!' which I found really upsetting and controlling, even though I was fairly certain that's not how he meant it. He also used to say things to 'try out' whether he thought them or not, because he couldn't put words to what he thought or felt a lot of the time, and would then feel really confused and upset if what he said hurt my feelings. He had trouble reading people's facial expressions and tones of voice so thought any sort of tone of frustration or exasperation = aggression or telling off. He couldn't bear anything that felt like 'arguing' to him. It took us years to work that through but we are able to address problems really directly and effectively now that we have worked out what the trouble was. For us it is a matter of 'translating' things from one worldview to another.

MumsyJ · 10/02/2019 08:49

I really don't know what to make of this one, as I use the phrase to calm a heated situation and I genuinely mean it when I say it and God noway am I anywhere near being controlling! Thereafter, I follow the phrase up by adding to discuss the matter in a civilised manner.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2019 09:55

Google the speaker/listener technique. One person is rarely 100% to blame.

Petitprince · 10/02/2019 11:29

It's his way to try to stop you protesting. Point it out every time and call him out on it.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/02/2019 11:39

It's fucking childish - that's what it is.

I'd counter with a very calm, non-sarcastic, "Then what do you want?"

EntirelyAnonymised · 10/02/2019 11:43

‘I don’t want an argument’

‘Then stop being a goady fucker’

LemonTT · 10/02/2019 11:51

I agree with Sandy on this. We don’t really know what prompts him to say this, the situation or how the OP expresses herself. Ideally they would both deal with this situation, it’s a dynamic.

Agree it is an obnoxious thing to say but it’s also obnoxious for people to think they have a right to “stand and fight” with someone else. Or, point out where someone has gone wrong in their opinion. Sounds very like a tendency to be quick to blame and quick to refute or deflect dynamic.

Not for the first time fight is met with flight (albeit a passive aggressive flight).

Onemansoapopera · 10/02/2019 20:20

Is there any chance at all that 'i don't want an argument' means 'I don't want an argument'...

Or are just going with red flag/abuse/LTB MN standard?

muses

middleage3 · 10/02/2019 21:01

Interesting....
My DH says this all the time . I used to think it was being controlling and being an arse but in the past year I’ve realised he has ASD after DS was diagnosed
Thing is in well over 10 years there hasn’t been an argument - there hasn’t been discussion neither ......
It’s not a healthy way to be