“ I Don’t Want An Argument”

[Christmasfairy07]

This really annoys me! Sometimes if DH is unreasonable & I protest, he will say “ I don’t want an argument”. Well neither do I! Usually I’m just registering my disapproval of how he’s behaved or spoken to me. I find it quite patronising & dismissive. We did have a chat the other day & he’s aware of his bluntness & said that sometimes he just needs a bit of time then he apologises. However I didn’t bring up about him saying that he doesn’t want an argument & that it’s not helpful. Can anyone identify with this?

Hmm, I dunno. I think it depends on the tone in which it's said. There have been times when I've said it - and I am absolutely sincere that whilst I want to discuss something, I really do not want it to become heated. I don't mean it to shut down a discussion at all, just to say I'm not coming at the situation with aggression.

Unless I use it on the DC, obviously. Then it's my way of saying 'if you don't do as I've asked you, the wifi's going off.'

If you have a normal dp etc then it's easy to think that both people must be at fault. And it's ok in a healthy relationship to say it occasionally and come back to things later on.

But some people do use this to shut down any discussion that they don't want to hear.

Usually it will be said in such a way that they are blaming other person 100% for causing the problem. Often with disappointed or condescending body language.

And over time you start to doubt yourself and feel that you must be a horrible nag.

That's how abusive and controlling people use it.

Thanks everyone - very interesting to read all the replies & the different takes on the situation. Unlike in the past, DH & I can now discuss stuff in an adult manner so I think I will let him know that when he says “ I don’t want an argument “ it isn’t always helpful. I wonder if there is something from his childhood as he hates confrontation. I also still have to work on getting him to tell the difference between me criticising his behaviour & criticising him as a person. We can both tend to be quite defensive actually. I also need to take a step back when he is being ( as I see it) unreasonable & try to look at the bigger picture. When it happened the other day, he was really up against it timewise so pretty stressed as a result & then had a dig at me & DD for supposedly doing something deliberately to stop him getting where he wanted to go. Clearly we weren’t but perhaps the best thing to do was ignore it & then later he’d realise how silly it was to have said what he did. He does tend to say afterwards that he was joking or that I have misinterpreted how he said it but I do call him on that as it’s too easy then to get away with speaking to me rudely. I say that most people would interpret it exactly as I do.
I am very happy to say that “ arguments” happen way less than they used to & over the last couple of years, we have communicated much more maturely & DH apologises sincerely which he rarely did before.

Do either of you practice active listening?

I have heard of that but not sure how it works

Well, I say this sometimes to my DH when I say something perfectly measured and calm and he overreacts - so possibly it's you starting the argument, not him?

chinesechicken I think sometimes that may be true as I can be a bit reactive. DH will say that as far as he was concerned he was just making a comment. However, he does tend to hear things completely differently to me ( or he’s just trying to get away with speaking to me how he likes!) I said before that he says I misinterpret but I reply that loads of people would interpret exactly as I do. I admit that I’m extremely sensitive but then he knows that so needs to try not to be so blunt.

You're sensitive, he's flippant in his words...how long have you been together and have.you both always had these character traits because there's an obvious question coming if you've always been this way both of you. However if he's suddenly become less sensitive and you more, you need to look at why. It's your problem.to fix together. That's where active listening comes in.

Tbh, This sounds like both of you need to work on communication. If someone is stressed or just flapping because they are running late the might make a bitting comment. But is it the best time to call them out on it? It’s tempting and yes, we can all get sucked into someone else’s mood and retaliate. However imo it is bad timing to make your point.

If you were constantly pointing out my misjudged and bad behaviour when I was stressed or running late, I would tell you were to go a lot less politely. I would be wrong to do it but I would. I am also not sure I would want to be critiqued like this in my home. I would be seriously thinking of walking away.

Remember unreasonable people think they and their opinions are right and reasonable. This is why the argue a lot. Some people don’t want to argue with them.

I don't think he's necessarily shutting down communication - maybe he just wants some time to think? DH and I rarely row but when we do I often need some time to just think over what happened in my head before talking about it again.

Some people will just go on and on when they think they're right, which personally I think is worse - almost abusive in a way, as they won't let things drop and won't let the other person walk away and cool off for a bit.

Some things don't need going over - you can tell someone they upset you or hurt you without needing a big long discussion over it afterwards.