FWB confusion

[OdeToDiazepam]

I don't know what to do and would appreciate some opinions

I ended my last relationship because it just wasn't working. But since then my ex has been messaging me saying that he cares about me and the kids.. thinks we're best as good friends and things, I've not asked him back by any means just kept it civil small talk.

Last night it was clear he wanted something and he said he'd like to see me again. I saw it from a mile off and yes he wants to be friends with benefits.

I'm not necessarily against the idea. I don't have the time or emotional energy for a relationship atm but I do miss the physical intimacy, cuddles etc. I tried looking on pof and realised I have virtually no interest in other men. I don't want a relationship with my ex but he's attractive and the sex is pretty good.

Here's the issue
He quickly got carried away, wants to meet next week etc, talking dirty.. then I said 'as long as I get cuddles after' at which he said maybe a quick one don't want to cross a line?

But imo I don't want to be treated like a piece of meat. I'm fine with a casual thing, but id want to be able to chat and yes, have a decent cuddle because tbh I enjoy cuddling more than sex and it's what I mainly miss, but I also want to feel cared about and respected even if it's just sex?

Is this unreasonable? Maybe it's not how fwb should work.. it's probably a bad idea.

I said to him I want to be able to have a decent cuddle like half hour at least otherwise I'm not interested and he's not replied yet.

I have cuddles with my FWB so i don't think it's unusual.

So it's not beyond a boundary to ask that?

Is it a good idea to do it with an ex? I'm just so confused on what his viewpoint is.. wanting sex but not a relationship but also saying he cares about me.

I'm confused about my own mindset, I want that but don't trust my own motives and if I can do it without getting hurt.

You obviously both want different things. I’d let it go.

Why would he not want to cuddle me though

Sounds like a terrible idea. If you genuinely want a FWB set up look for one with someone you haven’t got history with.

Because he just wants sex. He has made that clear.

Our whole relationship was quite casual though which was part of the problem. Never really made it past that first stage and because it was long distance, it was only really just weekly/fortnightly evenings of cuddling watching a film, sex.. that's it really.

I'm not changing my mind, and if he doesn't reply or says no then I'm not interested like I said because I'm sensitive about feeling used

Sorry maybe I'm being thick but why would you want sex with someone but not be able to cuddle them?

Does that mean that he doesn't care about me at all? He keeps saying he'd do anything for me and the kids and always be there if I need him and stuff..

You don't want a FWB though, from the sound of it. You want someone to care for you. Your ex may care for you, but tbh it sounds like he's just more interested the sex. Ergo, he's using you.

Run a mile from this 'offer'.

God what a horrendous idea. What on earth are you thinking?!

Are they his children?

For fwb's to work you both have to be on the same page.
We are friends. We chat and care about each other in a friendly way. We occasionally meet for a quickie. We chat often. But most of the time we spend the night and will chat, watch crap on tv, fuck, sleep etc. But we haven't got any history

They're not his children no

That's the kind of set up I would want

Not turn up, sex, go home

@OdeToDiazepam

Turning up, having a shag, then going home is exactly what he wants.

I don't think this arrangement is for you. Albeit your relationship was casual you still have history there

We do genuinely get on well with each other when we're together

that's a shame because I thought he meant it when he said he cared

I don't want a relationship I can't handle then atm and I'm fed up of them, but I do really miss physical intimacy and cuddling

But I don't want to have to try someone new like that because if trust reasons and I don't want to be used and feel disrespected because that's not good for mh

So it's a right pickle really

Really unwise. You will end up feeling used because you are being used.

Surely it would be mutual using?

Like in my mind the best scenario is we both get sex which we want, we also get to maintain a friendship and the best parts of a relationship without the strings and emotional difficulties

But I can see where it could go wrong

It wouldn't be a mutual use because you both want different things.

I don't get why the idea of cuddling me would be so detestable to him?!

So would it definitely be a bad idea if I did decide to agree to just sex..

I am not dating anyone for a long time unless by some miracle a decent man appears at my door so I'd be sad to go without sex for all that time

Yes, it would be a bad idea because it's not what you want. You will feel used and resentful.

Mine work because we want the same thing. I'm not interested in a relationship so the setups I have work for us.
It also sounds like when you meet would also be on his terms.

I've never used POF but have used Tinder. It's where I met one of my fwbs. My profile states I am looking for no strings and from there we sorted out the rest. Some didn't work because although they said they wanted the same, the reality was they wanted it on their terms.

It would be a bad idea for you to agree to a just sex arrangement, because it would not meet your needs, only his. I can't see it doing you any good at all: likely to make you really unhappy. If he just wants to fuck and go, he needs to find someone else. Fwb should be mutual benefits.