FWB confusion

[OdeToDiazepam]

I don't know what to do and would appreciate some opinions

I ended my last relationship because it just wasn't working. But since then my ex has been messaging me saying that he cares about me and the kids.. thinks we're best as good friends and things, I've not asked him back by any means just kept it civil small talk.

Last night it was clear he wanted something and he said he'd like to see me again. I saw it from a mile off and yes he wants to be friends with benefits.

I'm not necessarily against the idea. I don't have the time or emotional energy for a relationship atm but I do miss the physical intimacy, cuddles etc. I tried looking on pof and realised I have virtually no interest in other men. I don't want a relationship with my ex but he's attractive and the sex is pretty good.

Here's the issue
He quickly got carried away, wants to meet next week etc, talking dirty.. then I said 'as long as I get cuddles after' at which he said maybe a quick one don't want to cross a line?

But imo I don't want to be treated like a piece of meat. I'm fine with a casual thing, but id want to be able to chat and yes, have a decent cuddle because tbh I enjoy cuddling more than sex and it's what I mainly miss, but I also want to feel cared about and respected even if it's just sex?

Is this unreasonable? Maybe it's not how fwb should work.. it's probably a bad idea.

I said to him I want to be able to have a decent cuddle like half hour at least otherwise I'm not interested and he's not replied yet.

I agree with PPs. You can have a FWB with cuddles on the side, but just not with your ex. He isn't your friend, he is your ex for a very good reason. There will be plenty of men out there who want a casual thing with no commitment for a variety of reasons who will be more than happy to cuddle you afterwards. That part of sex is lovely, you are right to feel hurt that he doesn't see it as important. Please don't whatever you do act on this impulse and have sex with him as he will just do what he has said, get up and leave afterwards, and you will feel like shit.

Get on Bumble, Tinder etc and be honest when you are chatting with men about what you after. If they don't sign up for it you can move on without feeling rejected as you don't have that history with them.

He's said now that he's happy to chat and cuddle etc but I'm going to give it some more thought and consider what you've all said so thank you

He just wants a fuck buddy

You’ll feel used if you let him have that arrangement

Find someone who you can be friends with that you would also like the extra benefits too

It has to be a mutual thing or it won’t work

I couldn't get cuddles off my husband of 20 plus years (separated now,) so I know how it feels to want them.. ...but you have said yourself it's a FWB so you can't expect signs of affection if the FWB doesn't feel like it.

You’re lying to yourself when you say you just want sex from him. It is quite clear you couldn’t handle that with him

If you want a FWB situation then find somebody else who you haven’t been emotionally attached to. He wants sex. You want intimacy. You will end up hurt.

He wants sex. You want intimacy
This.

In reality a FWB would be completely separated from your family life and children. The fact he it's bringing up how much he cares for your children is a red flag, he is saying what you 'want to hear' to get you into bed then he's going to go sod off and leave you feeling like crap.
Til the next time, when he'll dangle another carrot, how he likes you sooooo much, missed you all, you're the one that got away, didn't realise til he shagged a 'nutter ' off tinder....and you'll do it again. EAT, drink, rave, repeat.

I have done the FWB thing and it's worked coz we wanted the same thing. If we were ever alone and bored on a weekend we'd arrange to go for drinks, get a bit merry, go home, play a board game, shag then go our separate ways the next morning. Literally what I do with my actual friends, but with the benefit of some half decent sex.

For me any FWB relationship has to work for both of you and for both of you to be completely open and honest. I’m just not getting that from the posts here.

Remember the F in FWB is for friends. That should include chats, the occasional dinner, cuddles, sex and support. But not lfe long commitment.

2 or more friendships can be of greater benefit. But never should the twain meet.

Friends before lovers. So that would include dinner, movies, coffees, walk, conversations. cuddles and intimacy.
You don't always have to have sex every time you meet.
Another term for it would be LAT. (living/loving apart together)

So that would include dinner, movies, coffees, walk, conversations. cuddles and intimacy

Why would anyone want any of this from a fuck buddy?

I don’t think fwb is friends before lovers. I’ve got proper friends for that.

He wants to use you. You want a relationship with him, he wants sex. How will you feel when he meets someone he wants a relationship with and he drops you?
Sometimes it's hard to let someone go, and at the the time, some form of contact is better than none at all, but it's kinder to yourself in the long run to avoid this.

The friendship part of it, namechangenugget. Some of those things listed might blur boundaries a bit for me, but I'd certainly expect a fwb arrangement to involve time together and for it to be a few laughs and companionship, not just shag-n-go. You'd see a movie with a friend, why not a friend with benefits? If you can't, it's not really being friends, is it?

All depends where you want to draw the line, I suppose.

He sees fuck buddy and friends with benefits as the same thing

For me, they’re very different

A FB is just sex and nothing else

A FWB is a friendship first and the sex is a bonus

Why would he not want to cuddle me though

Because he is only looking for an orifice into which he can ejaculate. He's not interested in cuddling or the tenderness that might accompany a normal sexual relationship.

You are looking for that.

You should look elsewhere. This will make you feel like shit. This will be a shoots and leaves job and you will feel used as he walks out the door and you are craving a cuddle.

Trading sex for a cuddle is not a good bargain in any circumstance anyway.

You can probably find a FWB sex based relationship without strings attached that includes cuddling - ie. a true "friends" with benefits arrangements but I think it will be very, very hard to arrange this from a cold start (ie. you aren't "friends" to start with).

Fwb arrangements can and do work for many.

But NEVER ime when there's been a previous relationship - the emotional "strings" are already there and people can't just switch those off.

You're saying you don't want "turn up, sex, go home" but that's pretty much EXACTLY what Fwb IS - if you can't deal with that, that's fine it's not for everyone but you need to recognise and acknowledge that and have relationships/date in a way that IS right FOR YOU.

But you have to be honest with your partners.

If you crack on you're fine with a Fwb when you're not you'll get hurt and you'll cause confusion & possibly distress for others.

I've had several over the years, it suits me, there might be a little cuddle after just while we get our breath back but that's all and then they're off (or I am). The second either one "catches feelings" it either needs to end or (very rarely) becomes a proper relationship.

"He wants sex. You want intimacy"

This is it perfectly.

Ohhh LAT so that's what it's called..

Iove it @noego
All the fun with none of the bull...nice

Fuck buddys not for me..... I'm not an FOC hooker matey boy...jog on

I have a FWB with an ex. We were together for a year, and have been FWB for about 18 months ever since.

Works for us - we genuinely like each other as people and the sex is good, we just weren't in love and never would have been.

Once again society seems it necessary to determine what a FWB/F&L/FB relationship should look like.

It is what both parties want in the relationship not what is dictated.

OP you are not getting out of this what you want, so best let it go. You have your needs and a friend will fulfil them for you.

*what is dictated by society or other peoples opinion.

Read up on Relationship Anarchy. It will help.

There must be a hierarchy of some kind though noego surely....everyone has their favourites??

I'm all for romantically not making one person the centre of my universe (that's my DC spot), and behaving in the same way with a partner as you do a friend (being authentic).

The multiple partner bit would turn me off though.

Whyyyyyy to many STDs in this day and age. You can vouch for your own behaviour bit nit for the behaviour of others.

*but not