16 yr old DD dating 20 yr old???

[pollywolfff]

Is this okay and acceptable? I've met her boyfriend and he seems really genuine and nice but they age gap at this point worries me. I understand if they were older it would be a normal age gap so I'm conflicted. What are your opinions on this?

I don't think anyone is confused about what a 16 year old would see in a 20 year old. More so what a 20 year old would see in a 16 year old. Even at 16 I found it weird when 20 year old was interested in me. And to the contrary, a 16 year old that doesn't see that, I'd consider them to be naive and immature despite them claiming it's fine "it's because I'm so mature"

Have they met through work? I find age difference is much less apparent at work so it wouldn't seem as socially "odd". I work in hospitality with a team of about 95% 16-21 year olds. Most seem on similar ages emotionally and I would be hard pushed to distinguish the oldest and youngest of the group a lot of the time.

When I was 15 my boyfriend was 21, at the time it felt cool...he had a car and job so we went out alot.

I look back now and realise it was a little odd and I wouldnt be too comfortable if my DD had done the same.

No, it's not ok. You always get people come on these threads saying 'oh I did, meh' well so did I. 15 and with a guy in his second year at uni. As an adult I can look back and realise that it isn't acceptable and I wouldn't condone it for my DD.

I have a 16yo DD and I wouldn't want this. A 20 yo man should be dating women his own age. He wouldn't be welcome in my home.

It would be an imbalanced relationship, because he has experience on his side.

My first relationship I was 16 and he was 21 and it lasted nearly 5 years. As long as he is nice and treats her well.

I would not be happy
I have a 16 and a 20 year old and gulf emotionally is enormous. Let alone interests and experience and freedoms and their peers.
Is she still at school? Is he not at all uncomfortable as a working man to have a school girl as a partner?
So I would very much judge him here and be upset by it

Not sure you can do much to stop it though?

Has she had many previous boyfriends? Serious ones?

A 17 year old boy and a 20 year old boy aren’t really so different in my opinion. Just support her and keep communication open, as you otherwise would.
My first boyfriend was 18/19 when I was 15, and I adored him. He had his flaws but I was, and still am, happy my ‘firsts’ were with him. We were together for 3.5 years and I broke up with him in the end... I outgrew the relationship.

If I was the parent of the dd, i would be wary of this, as you say, seemingly small age gap at this point can be a big deal especially at this day and age which i believe is different to when we were young.

It is potentially imbalanced and all the implications that could go with that.

It's what id of done & been allowed to do at 16, but 100% not what my daughters would "be allowed" to do. But I have parented 2 16 year olds & in my experience 16 is a bloody challenging age!! I think all you can do is teach your kids about safe sex, healthy relationships & be involved in what they are doing & who they are doing it with. If you tell her no she will probably do it anyway & just lie. So maybe you should just be supportive of her & make it very clear you'll always be there.

My dd is very tall, she is sensible and thoughtful and is often taken as significantly older. I've generally thought of that as being problematic really. She might have looked and perhaps even superficially behaved as if she was 18 (or older) at 14/15 but she wasn't an adult at all and now she is 18 she is still pretty vulnerable as are most young people simply because they don't have much life experience and often are not yet comfortable in themselves. I guess I'd probably be OK with a four years older boy/girl friend now but I think I'd be keeping a very careful eye on him/her.

I was 16 when I met my husband who was 21 at the time, we've now been together 19 years! Happily married with children etc etc I was always very mature for my age and he's a little immature! For us it worked! I'd left school and was in an adult world....if your daughter is comfortable let it play out.

My Ds is 21, I've just asked him if he would date a 16 yr old, he said no, absolutely not. A 16 yr old is still a child and he said it wouldn't feel right. He's also said any of his friends that have dated under 18 are judged badly.

I can understand you being a little uncomfortable to say the least. But the age gap is not huge and trying to intervene on this could cause bigger problems. I suggest you justcstand by in case you need to help pick up the pieces. Hard I know but ....

I always remember when an admittedly older friend of mine took “boyfriend” to meet her mum. Yes, hecwas older than the mum!

When I was at college there was a few 19 year olds that dated 15-16 year old girls, I always found them a bit desperate and weird sorry.

Pressed enter too soon.

15/16 is a child really and you haven't even formed who you are, I mean bloody hell you haven't even at 19-20. Mid 20's is the usual age when people start to form their identity, I think there is a biological aspect as the brain continues developing until 25.

I never had a problem with it when I was 16. At 17 I was seeing a 26 year old.

However, now that I am 23, I don't think I could date a 16 year old. They've just left school/GCSEs. It just seems wrong because although they might not all look like children, they are. I think the lowest I'd go is 20.

If your daughter is a reasonably mature 16 year old,her boyfriend treats her well and the relationship is open and honest (you've met,so it is) I wouldn't be worried.

But the point is, a lot of young women are quite mature. Ready for a relationship etc.
A lot of 16 year old boys you really couldn’t say the same about

And each person is an individual and if he’s not a shit, and she’s happy then I don’t see a problem. They will probably drift apart naturally. Or they might stay together for the rest of their lives.

Young people in general are vulnerable to getting into abusive relationships. That’s something to look out for. But that aside I can’t see it’s a problem.

Just keep an eye if you think he seems nice. At 16 I was with DH who was 19 and at uni. He did pick me up from school or meet me off the bus and we stayed over at each others houses or I visited him at uni over the weekend.

We now have two children and a house so don't write the relationship off yet.

Any person regardless of age can get into an abusive relationship. I did in my late 20's.

As for people saying 4 years is a lot. Would this still be the case if they were both in their 20's or beyond?

Sausage101 Identity btw is formed a lot earlier than the mid 20's. It starts by the age of 3. During adolescence how we view ourselves is important and Erikson, for example, believes that if ID isn't formed during this period, this can lead to issues in adulthood. A solid Id is preferred well before adulthood and it's one of the first steps to having life goals. Just look at our sexual ID, this is usually developed at an early age. We don't wake up in our 20's one day and say hey I'm heterosexual/bisexual/homosexual.

Yes, the brain still develops until the age of 25 but we all develop differently depending on life experiences etc. So it is possible that a 16-year-old and 21 years are on the same 'wavelength'. It also has to be taken into consideration that girls develop maturity before boys.

I met my husband when I was 17 and he 21. Last year was our 25th wedding anniversary ❤️
It's hard for anyone to judge as every one is different - you know your daughter and you've met him. Try and keep everything amicable and have plenty of communication with them both that as she is still only 16 certain rules apply etc x

I was 16 and he was 22. I had never been in a relationship and was immensely flattered that someone would take an interest in me like that. Family was wary but nothing would put me off. Took me 2 and a half years to work up the courage to leave, because he was an abusive, manipulative asshole who left me mentally and emotionally scarred. Not every age gap situation will end like this, but it did for me. Just be vigilant, and if you have a good relationship with your DD then try and talk about things whenever you can.

I had a relationship with a 20 year old when i was 16. I'd already left home tho, so parents didn't have a say. He however lived with his mum, and she'd always ask if I'd like to sleep in a separate room and not to do anything I didn't want to. Now that was weird.

Judge it on the two individuals, not their ages.

Nonsense. The ages are relevant.

It's not about "maturity". A 16 year old might behave maturely, and might share similar interests to a 20 year old, but there is a massive gulf in terms of life experience, self-understanding, and perspective. Even if they behave in a "mature" fashion a 16-year-old is still developing mentally.

There is a huge imbalance of power in such a relationship, which is why men that age are interested in teenage girls. They are so much easier to control and dominate than a peer, and much less likely to even realise that's what is happening.

Just look at how many teenage girls who are groomed, exploited and trafficked genuinely believe they were in a relationship with their abuser. The same happens with abused children who have been groomed. They believe they have a special relationship and connection with their abuser. They will defend them passionately and deny there was anything wrong.

It's only when they are much older and have more life experience that they begin to understand how wrong it was, even if it's only initially developing a gut sense of "now I'm that age I wouldn't even dream of doing what they did with me".

And as for him seeming nice, so what? Grooming extends to parents. People with vile intentions don't announce it, because they want to be accepted and to get away with it.