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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend will take her husband back

35 replies

Asiam · 09/02/2019 17:34

I need some advice.

Friend married 5 years, her husband cheated on her twice recently in 2 years. 1st time was over 8 months whilst she was pregnant. He begged her to forgive him and she did.

2nd just been found out, started a few months after the last one ended. He denied everything but then I contacted the girl and she didn’t know he was married. Showed my friend the proof and he said it was just sex. The proof shows it wasn’t.

3 weeks later she’s taking him back, he’s said the OW was a fruit loop and it started as sex. Then he got scared she would tell his wife so had to keep it going. My friend believes him.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk to her and make her see. He’s a liar and if this lady was a fruit loop then the proof doesn’t show that.

I’ve also heard from reliable friends that he’s been seen with other women.

I’m so frustrated

OP posts:
Apple103 · 09/02/2019 18:03

Unfortunately there isnt much you can do. As horrible a man he is, shes just as stupid but it's her life to mess up. Shes fully aware of what hes about- so i would rather pity her than feel frustrated.

Lozzerbmc · 09/02/2019 18:05

All you can do is what for her to see the light and then support her

Original poster
Asiam · 09/02/2019 18:08

It’s so hard to sit back and again. I’m trying to understand why she’s believing him but I can’t.

He’s twisting everything to it just being nothing. She keeps saying it’s her fault as he’s a sex addict. ?????

OP posts:
ConfCall · 09/02/2019 18:09

If she wants to be a doormat it's up to her. I'm in a similar situation (friend with deadbeat husband) and you can't really do anything. Just be a good friend.

dinkydolphin · 09/02/2019 18:11

It's one of those situations where you have to remind yourself that it's absolutely none of your business.

Make sure your there for support if she needs it but, don't get wound up in it.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2019 18:14

Stay out of it

Some women will put up with the most appalling shit to not be alone. Can't see it myself but there you go.

Original poster
Asiam · 09/02/2019 18:19

always be there for her, she’s a good friend

I can’t get involved as he’ll push me out her life and make sure she doesn’t see me. So I have to act all nice to him 🤢

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2019 18:26

You don't have to be "nice"

Be coolly distant. He is a knob...but she wants him and that is that.

Apple103 · 09/02/2019 18:29

You don't have to be nice to him. Maybe she will wake up If she sees her friends dont want to he around him as well. By playing her game it's just encouraging her. The lows some women stoop to.

CatinMyLap · 09/02/2019 18:31

You don’t have to be nice
Honestly the latter would probably show him he can’t fuck her around like this. The ripple effect.

Original poster
Asiam · 09/02/2019 18:33

The last time I hardly spoke to him, wouldn’t go around when he was there. Told her I was there for her but I couldn’t speak to him.

He started to tell her I was causing trouble and making it hard for them to move on. My friend was so upset with me. I made an effort with him.

He’ll do the same again and I know she’s going to need me. We’ve been friends for over 30 years.

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 09/02/2019 18:34

Well if he is a sex addict then he will be going to the GP for help then won’t he. Expect he won’t because he is just a cheat.

Pomello · 09/02/2019 18:35

Not everybody is brave enough to be single. Sad but true.

GemmeFatale · 09/02/2019 19:09

Go the other way. Be hugely supportive. Find details of sex addict support groups to help him. Take the kids so he can take her out and romance her. Gift them some couples counselling.

Kill him with kindness and well meaning concern

Original poster
Asiam · 09/02/2019 19:19

@gemmefatale will that help? I often have them, I’ve had the youngest a lot during the nightmare So I don’t mind doing that.

It’s going to a situation where I just have to bite my tongue and be happy for them

OP posts:
GemmeFatale · 09/02/2019 21:13

It will keep you close and in a position where he can’t slate you.

I’d be clear to her that you love her and will support whatever choice she makes as long as she and the kids are safe.

Making sure she has a support network is the priority

Original poster
Asiam · 10/02/2019 10:08

It’s started, I tried to call her this morning. He answered her phone and said “I’m
Back now, can you leave us alone to work through HER problems. You are causing issues for us”

I knew he had tried to blame her and the other women for his affairs. Why can’t she see????

I kept calm and said would you like me to have the kids, so you can both have some quality time together. He said no thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/02/2019 18:20

Bow out gracefully, love

You cannot help her

ShatnersWig · 10/02/2019 18:41

What AnyFucker says.

You've tried, she knows the truth but chooses to ignore it and stay with him.

Travisandthemonkey · 10/02/2019 18:47

There’s really not a lot you can do other than be there for her. But I would think about stepping away. For your own sake.
You’ll always be the scapegoat.

Lottapianos · 10/02/2019 18:47

'Bow out gracefully, love

You cannot help her'

Excellent advice. I know how utterly sickening this is OP. You are obviously a good friend and you want to help her see the light because it's so blindingly obvious to you. She's an adult though, and she can't be saved. She knows where you are if she needs you. I do know how totally shit it feels though

Travisandthemonkey · 10/02/2019 18:48

That if go and kneecap the fucker. But sadly even that won’t work. You’ll always get the blame. You’re in a no win situation

Travisandthemonkey · 10/02/2019 18:48

That or

Yogagirl123 · 10/02/2019 18:49

It’s nothing to do with you. It’s her marriage. I appreciate how frustrating it must be for you, but it’s entirely your friends concern.

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/02/2019 18:52

You really can't help her.