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Original poster

Met someone new and don’t know if I want ivf to have decided husbands baby

30 replies

Welshgirl1523 · 08/02/2019 19:20

I’m just looking for a bit of advice.

My husband (27) passed away while we started the ivf process, now months later I’m still allowed to have the ivf but not sure if I wanna go ahead.

I’ve met someone else who means the world to me and treats me like a princess but he doesn’t want to have anymore children ( has a 11 year old daughter) one of the reason is he want us to go travelling in 8 years time and doesn’t want children to hold us back( I’m 30 not so I’ll be 38 when we do this)

This has made me think if I actually want to have a child myself after 10 years of wanting one. Just want people opinions

I know I have to decide what I want and make my mind up but didn’t think I could fall for someone again so soon after my husband dying

OP posts:
Variousartists · 08/02/2019 19:28

Definitely don’t at the moment. Is there a time limit? Give yourself time to grieve and adjust.

Re the new guy, why wait for 8 years to travel?!

NotANotMan · 08/02/2019 19:29

Months later?!
You're still grieving and hardly making rational decisions. Definitely don't do anything permanent!

greendale17 · 08/02/2019 19:30

This reply has been deleted

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JustHereForThePooStories · 08/02/2019 19:33

You’re young, plenty of time to meet someone else and have a family with him. You’ll get over the current boyfriend.

GemmeFatale · 08/02/2019 19:35

I think he might be the rebound guy. He’s not treating you like a princess if he’s putting his desire to travel once his children are 18 above your desire to have a child in the near future.

Why can’t you travel with the kids? Why do you have to fit in with his plans? What if you become ill in his travel time frame? What if you excel in your career and don’t want to leave it in eight years time? What if you can’t afford the travel he wants, or want to use the money elsewhere?

You fit into his plans so neatly. Perfect, pliable girlfriend - tick. Of course he treats you nicely right now.

NoCupcakesOrCocktails · 08/02/2019 19:36

@Welshgirl1523 I'm very sorry to hear about your DH. I've not got any experience of losing a partner but I've got a lot of experience of doing IVF. I would say you need to leave it a good while longer before you make any decisions. It's a really big deal just undergoing IVF let alone everything else you would need to consider how you would manage if successful in terms of your new partner and potentially being a single parent. Do you have frozen embryos? If so I would extend the freezing period if needed and give yourself time to grieve and think about what you want from life. All the best Thanks

TomHardysBackpack · 08/02/2019 19:38

Sorry to be blunt but this guy sounds like a complete muppet!
He's got together with someone who has just lost their husband, and is now dictating whether or not you go through with IVF because he wants to go travelling in EIGHT years! He's very confident you'll still be together then....

I am so sorry for your loss x

Lozzerbmc · 08/02/2019 19:38

I dont think its the time yet for big decisions - you will still be grieving for your husband - its such early days. Meeting someone new and thinking 8 years ahead for travelling seems strange and i wonder why so specific - is it because of his daughter then being an adult? Understandable that you should question your future but you must have felt strongly about wanting children to do ivf so dont give up on that dream lightly. Whats deadline for ivf?

MarthasGinYard · 08/02/2019 19:38

'Months later'

I'd give be yourself some time personally

Lozzerbmc · 08/02/2019 19:39

And so sorry for the loss of your DH x

Ullupullu · 08/02/2019 19:39

"treats me like a princess"? And is already making plans to spend a year or more away from his teenage daughter at a crucial time in her life/education "to go travelling"?! Don't make any rash decisions now OP!

MarthasGinYard · 08/02/2019 19:40

'one of the reason is he want us to go travelling in 8 years'

Are you serious??

I know there's planning but surely what you've been through doesn't dictate pie in the sky ' maybe in eight years' type plans.

Sounds odd

DPotter · 08/02/2019 19:40

The general advice for people having lost a spouse, is to make no major decisions for at least a year following their death. I think deciding whether to go ahead with IVF counts as a major decision.

That’s the first thing. Second thing -after just a few months with the new man, it’s very early days to think about either having a child or not with him. Took DP and me nearly 20 years to make that decision.

Third thing - we went travelling with DD when she was 7: was absolutely brilliant. Children do not stop you travelling.

You need to give yourself time and space to grieve for your husband. Please don’t make any major decision for t least a year. If the new man is worth it, he’ll understand and he’ll wait for you.

Ullupullu · 08/02/2019 19:41

@gemmefatale has it exactly.

GummyGoddess · 08/02/2019 19:41

If it really has only been a few months then take a step back. You're still grieving and this is a massive decision. How long can you delay the IVF?

If you were my friend I would gently suggest you go to counselling to work through this before making a decision.

Kittykat93 · 08/02/2019 19:42

Op why do you have another exact thread on this? Confusing!

Lozzerbmc · 08/02/2019 19:43

Greendale17 i think your post was a bit mean - have you lost a husband or partner before? I cant imagine how awful that must be.

HollowTalk · 08/02/2019 19:51

I'm so sorry you lost your husband.

I don't think the new guy is a muppet at all. He had a child young and has plans for when she's 18. That's fair enough.

The problem is that you are not in a fit position to make a decision like that. I know you must have been lonely when your husband died but making huge decisions like that really isn't wise so soon after his death.

I would put off making any decisions for another year or two - that would mean not living with someone and not getting pregnant. You really don't want to realise later that he was a rebound guy.

Variousartists · 08/02/2019 19:54

If you had the ivf baby where would the new guy fit in?

selfishcrab · 08/02/2019 20:00

So to be with him you give up becoming a Mum, yet all your plans have to be on hold whilst his child grows... unfair doesn't cover it!
If you want your husbands child and are preparedto be a Mum go for it but please don't even have this man in the equation as he really is irrelevant and he's not putting you first or treating you nicely!

Sausagefingers9 · 08/02/2019 20:02

You’ve only just met him, forget about what he wants for now and think about what you would like.

SpanielEars070 · 08/02/2019 20:04

So basically you're prepared to throw away the chance to become a mother to go travelling in 8 years time with someone you've known a short period of time.

Do you normally make rash decisions or is this grief?

KataraJean · 08/02/2019 20:10

I think the not being sure if you want your late husband’s child may be bound up with the fact that you have lost your husband at such a young age and during the IVF process - so considering having his child when he is not there will be a painful and raw process, however ultimately rewarding, because of the grief at his absence.

New man provides a distraction from this and a less painful way forward at first appearances. But the red flag for me is that new man must know of your loss, he must know you wanted a child for a decade and yet, it is all about his needs and wants. It is okay for him - he has a DD. And he does not want children with you because he wants to go travelling in eight years.

So much can happen in eight years that you would not expect, as you know. You cannot put your own life and dreams on hold for this. If you do not know what your life and dreams are right now, then take time yourself to find out, speak with a counsellor - and be wary of someone who treats you like a princess rather than a flesh and blood woman who has her own wishes and dreams in life.

I am so very sorry for all you have been through and I wish you well going forwardFlowers Be gentle on yourself and give yourself time before making any big decisions.

OnTheHop · 08/02/2019 20:13

Take each day at a time for the time being.

You are too young and too grieving to make a decision not to have kids or to decide what to do in 8 years time. Especially in someone else ‘s life plan.

Enjoy time with New Man, make no promises, make no plans, and take care of yourself.

JaesseJexaMaipru · 08/02/2019 20:13

Sorry for your loss.

This man isn't a keeper. Have some fun with him by all means but don't commit to him. Let this "honeymoon" period burn bright, and burn out. Then give yourself a good 9 months or so man-free to just be you. Find out who you are. THEN either (a) find the decent, caring man who you want to build your life with, and who wants to be in a genuine partnership with you and take decisions together rather than him dictating. At that point you can decide (together) on what to do with your deceased DH's sperm.

Or (b) after some man-free you-time, go ahead with the ivf as a single parent. That's also a valid choice.

But going ahead with ivf whilst in a relationship with this immature selfish bloke isn't sensible, and nor us giving up your hopes of parenthood for his sake.

May your DH rest in peace.

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