Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ever your fault that your partner cheated on you?

38 replies

Dinky123 · 08/02/2019 17:26

Currently going through a messy break up where I am finding new things that he has done with other women daily.

I met with him last night to talk and ended up having a 3 hour long conversation.

He said that his actions are all done to cause and effect. The cause being that he feels like I should have buried what has happened in the past and that he feels like he can't talk to me.

I went away from the conversation believing this but now today finding out that he was planning on meeting an ex partner I am so angry and feel like surely it's him with the problem, not me?

OP posts:
NewStyleFor2019 · 08/02/2019 17:28

100% him.

Not your fault in the slightest. How dare he say his actions were because of you!

Adora10 · 08/02/2019 17:29

You really are wasting your time OP and showing him that he is actually worth a 3 hour conversation (him trying go convince you that it's your fault when he's a piece of shit).

Don't really know why are giving him any space in your head, I'd use your head to forget about him and move on; it's never the other person's fault no matter how bad a state the relationship is in.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 08/02/2019 17:29

and don't waste 3 hours discussing his need for female attention.

MumsyJ · 08/02/2019 17:30

Do not beat yourself up. Cheats always blame their inexcusable behaviour on their innocent partners.

You should feel like you've lost a stone getting rid of the unwanted weight of an ex now. Onwards and upwards OP Wine. Hello happiness. X

origamiunicorn · 08/02/2019 17:30

Nope never.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2019 17:31

Stop talking to this prick

If he wasn'thappy he could have ended your relationship withput cheating. 100% not your fault

Walk away with your head held high

FissionChip5 · 08/02/2019 17:31

Did you grab his dick and put it in her? No, you didn’t.

Therefore it isn’t your fault.

lifegoes · 08/02/2019 17:38

It's not your fault. Nobody made him to stick his 🍆 in another women. (Sorry but true)

He did it for cause, the cause being he doesn't have any respect for you or any woman or himself.

He's craving sex and attention and will never change.

This. Is. NOT. Your fault. At all.
He is gaslighting you

HollowTalk · 08/02/2019 17:40

OK so think of it this way. If it was your fault for the subsequent infidelities because "you wouldn't let it lie" then whose fault was it for the initial one? Was that you, too?

He's not just a cheat, OP, he's a childish bastard who won't accept any responsibility for his actions.

goldengummybear · 08/02/2019 17:47

It was only your fault if you held a gun to his head.

user1481840227 · 08/02/2019 17:48

This will be an unpopular opinion, but yes I sometimes think that people can drive their partners to seek affection/attention elsewhere. Some things are as bad as cheating and leave people feeling so low that if someone pays them attention they will jump on it.

What does he mean by he thinks you should have buried what happened in the past?

lifegoes · 08/02/2019 17:54

I disagree with the above comment that someone can be pushed. I get that a bit of attention and flirting. But not numerous amounts of affairs.

If you aren't happy in your marriage that it forces you to have affairs. You leave or speak to your partner to try and resolve it

Bumble1830 · 08/02/2019 17:58

No matter what you do, cheating is never anyone else's fault other than the one who cheated. If he isn't happy with the way you do things, treat him etc, then leave. Cheating is never the answer.

ImNotKitten · 08/02/2019 17:59

Of course it is not your fault! How could you let him talk you into thinking it was? If he was unhappy with the relationship he could have ended it. He has chosen to cheat on you because he doesn’t care about or respect you and your feelings.

ravenmum · 08/02/2019 18:00

He's cheated on you, do you believe what he says?

RomanyQueen1 · 08/02/2019 18:01

No, it isn't your fault or anyone else whose been cheated on.
However, I think that we have to take some responsibility because if everything was hunky Dory, people wouldn't cheat.

frazzledasarock · 08/02/2019 18:02

No it’s not your fault at all.

People who have affairs always blame the world but themselves for their actions. It’s nobodies fault but the cheaters fault.

Abusive ex used to blame me for him being abusive for him having affairs.

But nope he was at fault not me.

museumum · 08/02/2019 18:03

Nope. If he didn’t like you or something you were doing he should have left the relationship. Then he could have met up with any woman he wanted as a single man.

frazzledasarock · 08/02/2019 18:05

I don’t agree st all with the ‘if every thing was hunky dory...’ etc.

A lot of people cheat because they have opportunity.

I read something once which showed that a good percentage of men would happily cheat if they felt they not get caught and the opportunity arose. They didn’t say they were unhappy in their relationships. Just happy to take the chance if presented itself.

RomanyQueen1 · 08/02/2019 18:05

Don't speak to him anymore, you have no need to.
If you do need to keep to the subject at hand, you are splitting up, No relationship to discuss when it's over.
Do you have children together, if so, the conversations if any should be concerning the kids.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 08/02/2019 18:07

"This will be an unpopular opinion, but yes I sometimes think that people can drive their partners to seek affection/attention elsewhere. Some things are as bad as cheating and leave people feeling so low that if someone pays them attention they will jump on it."

No, no and no. If you're that unhappy in a relationship you end it. Then you can find affection elsewhere. Finish one, start another. Even if your current partner is a shit and the new one is an angel - what kind of a start is that to a relationship? Finish the shit one, get yourself in a good place and be happy with yourself, then start a better one.

chuffnstuff · 08/02/2019 18:10

That old chestnut! Me ex said similar, twat.

As all other posters said, no one made him do what he did except himself.

But people like him will always be able to justify (to themselves only), that it's someone else's fault.

kennelmaid · 08/02/2019 18:15

Mine said the same to me - that it was my fault because I was "always moaning" Hmm

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/02/2019 23:15

What @Fissionchip5 said...

People love to make all sorts of pitiful, nonsensical or brazen (in this instance) excuses for their inability to keep their genitals to themselves.

Why would you even give this weasel 3 seconds of your day let alone 3 hours??

Block and delete.

SandyY2K · 09/02/2019 00:14

I'm not sure about your backstory.

I wouldn't use the word fault...but there are some really unhealthy relationships...where infidelity happens and it's no suprise.

It's more a bad relationship and not individual blame or fault.

The mature thing to do is obviously to end the relationship, before cheating.

Swipe left for the next trending thread