Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you rather love or be loved?

38 replies

HorsesForCourses1984 · 07/02/2019 22:00

Obviously the ideal scenario is that you and your partner love each other equally. But, if one partner loved the other slightly more, say 51% vs 49%, would you rather love or be loved? Is that your current situation?

I would rather be the one who loves my partner slightly more.

OP posts:
Opheliablox · 07/02/2019 22:02

Same here OP. I wouldn’t like the pressure of the reverse situation

14allall41 · 07/02/2019 22:04

I think I'd prefer to be the one loved slightly more.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 07/02/2019 22:07

m.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/more-loving-one

LizzieSiddal · 07/02/2019 22:15

I’d prefer to be loved slightly more. I’d hate it if I thought I loved Dh more than he lived me, even if it were only 1% because that could be the start of a slippery slope!

lifegoes · 07/02/2019 22:17

I prefer to be loved.

Original poster
HorsesForCourses1984 · 07/02/2019 22:21

Ah, thank you ElizabethinherGermanGarden. So apt!

OP posts:
maloofhoof · 07/02/2019 22:25

I've been both situations. I don't feel one is better than the other. Both have drawbacks

wishywashy6 · 07/02/2019 22:37

Can you even measure this?

Original poster
HorsesForCourses1984 · 07/02/2019 22:58

I have always been able to tell wishywashy6

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 07/02/2019 23:07

Really? That's interesting, I don't think it's ever crossed my mind
I mean, I suppose with my exH he loved me more than I loved him but that's probably because I'd fallen out of love with him somewhere along the lineConfused
I honestly couldn't say with my current partner though, I don't know how to quantify it

Ribbonsonabox · 07/02/2019 23:07

I'd rather love! That's where all the feeling is. Being in love is wonderful... even unrequited love is wonderful.
I was in love with my husband for years before we got together. I didnt think my love was returned and never intended to tell him. But I enjoyed loving him! I was just glad that he existed and he seemed to make the world better for me.

Luckily it turned out he was in love with me and he ended up telling me!

Isth · 07/02/2019 23:10

Honestly I think I’d rather be loved.

velourvoyageur · 07/02/2019 23:11

Vv interesting!

Thing is you don't know if someone is expressing their feelings fully, and even if they're full on you can't really assume that it's because they're the more invested one. They just be naturally very easily affectionate & have no qualms about spontaneously expressing bursts of affection because they know that these don't express love in themselves, & they're not so loved up that if things ended it would be a massive investment lost or a humiliation. Equally they might be keeping their distance, and appear the more detached partner, because they would see openness as too much of a dangerous investment as they feel they'd have too much to lose if they happened to scare their partner off through a mismatch of feelings. I think it's measurable in theory but we never have the transparency we need to really draw dependable conclusions.

Original poster
HorsesForCourses1984 · 07/02/2019 23:16

Oh Ribbonsonabox please can you tell me more about how you got together. That's my dream...!

OP posts:
RoseOfSharyn · 07/02/2019 23:17

I think I love my dp more than he loves me. He thinks he loves me more.
It's a fantastic feeling and everyone wins.

GuitarStringsIIIIII · 07/02/2019 23:18

How can this be measured? I'm infatuated with a man. I'm waiting in hope for him to confess his feelings to me. Does that mean I'd rather be loved more?

Ribbonsonabox · 07/02/2019 23:42

@HorsesForCoursed1984 it was very lucky indeed that he felt the same way... and that he actually had the courage to say something about it in the end! We were friends for ten years... I dont think idve eve said anything, because I'd convinced myself it was all in my head.

Even if he hadn't though idve still loved him and I think that was a positive thing. It is better to love because you get so much out of that! Of course if the person you love is abusive or a bad person then that does not apply. But if it's a decent person, a friend, then I think love is it's own reward.

Ribbonsonabox · 07/02/2019 23:42

@RoseOfSharyn that's very sweet!

itsbritneybiatches · 07/02/2019 23:55

Love my partner and I'd rather he felt more loved than I did.

He'd disagree completely though.

Arealhumanbeing · 08/02/2019 07:25

But if it's a decent person, a friend, then I think love is it's own reward.

Smile

This.

Variousartists · 08/02/2019 07:31

Good question. I think I’d rather be loved but it does cause its own problems.

YellowBlankets · 08/02/2019 08:30

What a good question!

I have been in a situation where I loved him more but he NEEDED me so much more - my support, my friendship, and I was one of the only people in the world he really trusted. I was his safe harbour. But - this didn't translate to what he considered to be romantic love as it wasn't exciting enough, or giddy enough, or his words, had enough "spark".
It made for a very specific dynamic that ended with me walking away as I couldn't take and didn't need the hurt any longer. I loved him, but I had other support networks and better self esteem so didn't need him.

I've done a bit of thinking about it over the years and my main takeaway from the situation was that not everyone has the same capacity for love or calls it the same thing.

Original poster
HorsesForCourses1984 · 08/02/2019 10:23

Ribbonsonabox, during the 10 years that you were just friends, did you both see other people? How did you cope with him being with someone else? How did you cope with being with someone else when you really wanted to be with him?

I hope you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 08/02/2019 11:50

I don't think you can quantify things like this unless there's a really large imbalance. Like, one of you is dedicated to the other, but the other half is just not bothered.

I remember back when I was in my early twenties, my boyfriend was someone that I'd known from school and we'd been together over 2 years. It was a co-dependent mish mash of horribleness. We broke up (he dumped me) and I remember saying to myself at the time "Nothing will ever hurt me this much again." And in relationship terms I was right, nothing did or has.

Because I know that I don't need a partner to give me self worth. I love myself and that's enough for me. I already have a child so no innate driver on that side, thankfully.

Ribbonsonabox · 08/02/2019 11:56

Yes we both saw other people... I lived with someone for two years and he had two two year relationships. One of his girlfriends I got on with really well, she was a lovely person and I was genuinely happy for them and sad when they broke up. I'm still friends with her now.

The other girlfriend hated me from the get go (not just me but pretty much all of his friends) so that was harder.... but that's what pushed us together in the end.
Sadly I dont think if she hadn't been so horrible that we would have gotten together. Because he was very unhappy by the end of that relationship... and I think the comparison between that and how he felt spending time with me led to him actually eventually saying something to me (after they had broken up) She also did not want to engage with me as a friend despite my attempts. Which was fair enough but it meant that my husband was then visiting me on his own... I think she also told him to stop speaking to me (as well as to other friends) Which then of course forced him to confront his feelings.

As for me I just never thought it was going to happen so I tried to get on with my life. I just resigned myself to it and hoped that i could see him happy and still maintain a friendship with him. I did once try and not contact him because i thought perhaps it wasnt fair on my boyfriend (not that there was anything romantic in the contact i had with him but just that i thought it was preventing me from loving my boyfriend as i should) but he seemed confused and hurt by that so i couldn't see it through.
We didnt see each other that often as we lived opposite sides of the country and we only spoke once a week, nothing romantic.... but I loved speaking to him. We went on holiday together with our partners a few times as well and that was a lot of fun. I just wanted to be his friend really. But I knew deep down I was in love with him. I knew the first time I saw him. I thought 'I want to marry this man and have his children' and then I told myself to get a grip! It's honestly the luckiest thing that's ever happened to me that he turned out to be feeling the same way.
He apparently felt that way from the night we met too... and I had proof because he had written something down in one of the journals he keeps on that date. He had just assumed I would not be interested either. A really lucky event.... I think quite magically about it if I'm honest... he had written that when he saw me he felt like he had known me forever... so in my head I think we were together in a past life or something... I mean it's probably nonesense but its sweet to think!!

And I kept myself happy with that thought when I thought we were never going to be together. I thought somewhere in time we are or were together so its okay.

We've been married five years now and have two children!

Swipe left for the next trending thread