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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

having problems in my marriage and feeling lonely

48 replies

suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 01:45

So my husband and I have been married three years we have a 10 month old baby girl. I am from the States and my husband's from Turkey. The plan was for us to get married and bring him over to Boston where i am from. It is hard to bring my husband as immigration takes a long time. I am on Mat leave from school taking care of my 10 month old baby.

Our marriage is having a problem. I am home all day with the baby. I feel our marriage is drifting apart. I resent him for living a single bachelor life. I live with my parents because we can't afford to live on our own.

I resent my husband because when I met him. I was a single girl going to university.

I think i am also slightly depressed, staying home most of the time, having no money. I don't put effort into talking to my husband. I stopped having skype video conversations because I became too tired to put make up on.
We haven't had video conversations in over 3 months. I am starting to avoid his calls and telling him I am busy with the baby or tired.

I know i am self sabotaging my marriage but I am unhappy. I don't know why. I have tried to think about leaving him but then i don't think leaving him will make me any happier. In fact I resent him whenever I think of leaving him because i have a baby that I will be raising on my own.

I feel very alone in my marriage. I don't know what to stay to my husband. i am not getting the emotional support I need. I have stopped communicating and telling him my feelings. I just keep them to myself and now we have this big distance between us.

OP posts:
UAEMum · 07/02/2019 01:49

Can you go and see him in Turkey. Maybe reconnecting will help?

Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 02:11

He barley has money to support himself. He works as a taxi driver. Plus my sister scared me into telling me he could run away with the baby. I haven't seen him since being pregnant with the baby.

OP posts:
WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 07/02/2019 02:14

So you haven’t even seen him for a year? It doesn’t sound like a marriage at all. I would cut my losses.

Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 02:30

Wereyouharewheniwasfox: it doesn't sound like a marriage. But I am holding on to it and I have no idea why.

OP posts:
Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 03:06

I have friends but I do not tell anyone my marriage problems. I have been keeping my problems a secret. I wanted a safe space, where I can share my pain. I have been reading mumsnet for a while now but never made an account. I made an account and this is my first thread. I need somewhere to talk about my problems.

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 07/02/2019 03:20

You put make up on to Skype?! That’s a sure sign that things are not that solid!

Mscandylamb · 07/02/2019 03:35

Looks like you picked a rotten egg.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 07/02/2019 03:38

Sounds like he's only after a green card to me

Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 04:53

Hello everyone. I also distrust my husband. He is on many social media outlets. He has a 1000 friends on Facebook alone, most are female. I have asked for his password and he told me no and that I should trust him. I only have 90 friends on Facebook and very little guys. Most males are family or previous coworkers. I have to be more precise when I say makeup. I don't let him see me haggard. Taking care of a 10 month old baby, irregular sleep and poor diet. A bit of concealer on my eyes to look alive.

OP posts:
Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 04:57

He wants my Facebook in exchange for his. But last time I shared my Instagram password. he was on my account constantly without permission. I canceled it completely.

OP posts:
Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 05:06

I did think maybe he is using me for a green card. But, I hate to think the worst. We met online on plenty of fish and talked for nine months before I visited him in Turkey. When I got to Turkey to visit him for 3 months, he proposed to me and I accepted. He treated me like a queen. I came back to the Boston and i was pregnant. I am 32 and he is 35. We are both from Turkey, I was born and raised here and he grew up there. My daughter has never seen her father. I feel my dreams of having a family is falling apart.

OP posts:
Variousartists · 07/02/2019 05:12

So when did you get married?

GloomyMonday · 07/02/2019 05:24

I know this doesn't help you now, but surely you were suspicious of such a quick proposal? What made you think having a baby was a good idea when you lived on different continents and had no idea when you would be able to live together? He is barely able to support himself, you were a college student. It seems like a crazy choice to me.

I don't think you need to worry about telling your friends about your marriage problems because it will already be very obvious to them.

But now you're in this position, I think you need to assume that you will be raising your child alone. I don't know whether he was ever genuine or not, but you don't trust him, haven't seen him for a year and don't seem to like him very much. Why not just end the marriage? What do your parents advise, since they are closer to your situation than anyone?

Dunin · 07/02/2019 05:36

This doesn’t sound like a very good marriage. You sound like you need friends. Getting out to baby groups and meeting other people may help you to feel better about yourself

Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 13:40

Hello everyone, I was very tired last night from the baby. So I mixed up my dates. I got married to him in August 2016. I was in Turkey for 3 months and he proposed to me. In my culture marriage customs say bride and groom must not sleep with each other for 6 months. This is to show society that you are not doing a shotgun wedding. So I wanted to obey my parents and held of any physical contact till the second visit. The second visit was in June 2017 and I went for 1 mont and came back pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 13:40

Sorry to confuse everyone. I am just so excited to talk someone about my problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 13:44

I can tell you my husband is a nice guy. He does all the calling and all the talking. However I am emotionally distant from him because I feel we live two separate lives. I know my marriage sounds crazy how it happened. but i got this idea from my cousin who got married to a man back home and she lives happily ever after. I live in Boston and I never come across man from my culture. I was 29 and really wanted to get married. I feared turning 30 and having no man that I jumped on the first man that proposed to me. I realize that was wrong.

OP posts:
Musti · 07/02/2019 13:47

It doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong . You had a lond distance rekationship, decided to get married without having sorted your living situation out and then got pregnant. He cant move to the US and you refuse to talk to him .Why can't you go and live in Turkey?

Variousartists · 07/02/2019 13:51

What were your plans for living together as a family when you decided to get married?

Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 13:51

my reality right now is me home with the baby and ignoring my husband as he calls me. I don't put any effort into talking to him. and I know he feels that I cut him out of my life. He pressures me to bring him to the States (so that we could be a family). He tells me he is struggling in Turkey and the money is not good. He believes all his problems will be solved the moment he comes to the States. I feel that we don't have a marriage so bringing you here is pointless. But i know our marriage can not last with us living in two different countries. My inner circle (family, cousins and friends) say bring him to the States and try to make the marriage work. Some tell me that even if he does leave ( you will never be mad because you have a 10 month old daughter). I don't have a problem bringing him here if I felt we had a marriage to keep.

OP posts:
Variousartists · 07/02/2019 13:53

What is stopping you from giving your marriage a go with him in the States?

Alison100199 · 07/02/2019 13:53

I do sympathise but essentially you married and got pregnant by a stranger. I echo the previous poster- if you are Turkish and want to get to know your husband and be with him, just move to Turkey. Or does he insist it is the US? Green card...

Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 13:54

I sometimes blame myself for my marriage break down. I would be angry if he moved on to another women because I feel he owns me the world. I have self esteem issues as prior to getting married I was overweigh and now with the baby I really am overweight. I am 190 pounds and I am only 5 foot 1. So I think I am not deserving of love.

OP posts:
Original poster
suhaansmom · 07/02/2019 13:58

I don't want to live there as my family and my life is here. I have dreams of going back to school after my mat leave and finishing my masters in international development. I had dreams of becoming a professor and doing my phd but now I don't know what I want. I can't focus on school because I feel my life is falling apart.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2019 13:59

but I do not tell anyone my marriage problems
Sorry OP but you don't have marriage problems.
You don't have a marriage at all.
You may be husband and wife but that is where it ends.
You rushed into this in a blind panic and made a huge mistake.
Now start to rectify that mistake.