having problems in my marriage and feeling lonely

[suhaansmom]

So my husband and I have been married three years we have a 10 month old baby girl. I am from the States and my husband's from Turkey. The plan was for us to get married and bring him over to Boston where i am from. It is hard to bring my husband as immigration takes a long time. I am on Mat leave from school taking care of my 10 month old baby.

Our marriage is having a problem. I am home all day with the baby. I feel our marriage is drifting apart. I resent him for living a single bachelor life. I live with my parents because we can't afford to live on our own.

I resent my husband because when I met him. I was a single girl going to university.

I think i am also slightly depressed, staying home most of the time, having no money. I don't put effort into talking to my husband. I stopped having skype video conversations because I became too tired to put make up on.
We haven't had video conversations in over 3 months. I am starting to avoid his calls and telling him I am busy with the baby or tired.

I know i am self sabotaging my marriage but I am unhappy. I don't know why. I have tried to think about leaving him but then i don't think leaving him will make me any happier. In fact I resent him whenever I think of leaving him because i have a baby that I will be raising on my own.

I feel very alone in my marriage. I don't know what to stay to my husband. i am not getting the emotional support I need. I have stopped communicating and telling him my feelings. I just keep them to myself and now we have this big distance between us.

I do want to give my marriage a go in the States. I think that was the original plan. Immigration rules in the States is I have to be working before bringing my spouse.

How do I rectify my mistakes. do i leave him. do i try to make things work. I thought about leaving him before and I got so depressed and very bitter. I felt my dreams of having a nuclear family was gone.

In my culture being divorced is very taboo. It is a lot of shame. I am Turkish-American. So one doesn't do it lightly.

my parents told me to make a choice either work on my marriage or leave completely. however my parents think my marriage problems are not a big deal. I don't think they think I have a marriage problem. But my parents had an arranged marriage. My mothers father told her to marry this nice man and so she did.

It sounds like you got married very quickly and without really having spent much time with your husband. Honestly I don’t think this is a marriage that will work. You don’t want to give up your family and move over to turkey and you don’t want him to move to America either.

I think you do need to cut your losses. He hasn’t even met his own daughter and if I’m honest and you trusted this man you wouldn’t be concerned that he could run off with your daughter if you took her to see her dad.

There’s no trust, no real foundation of a relationship- how well do you actually know this man?

You’ve spent 4 months together realistically.

I love you for the honesty and openness here. As a British Indian I understand where you are coming from culturally. I totally agree with everyone else's advice also but how about going back a few steps and fixing some of the issues within yourself. A new mom living with her husband can still find motherhood lonely. You mentioned that you feel overweight and have low self esteem. I think someone needs to ask what about you and who is taking care of you. By the sound of it you have the family around but women are really good at putting on a brave face and saying we are fine. If your baby is ten months and you are not going out that much, that's enough to make anyone crazy. Start with even ten minutes outside walking and getting some fresh air. Make a list of the things that you want to change and correct. Just because we get a man and a new family doesn't mean that all of our problems are solved. We still have to look after ourselves. Love and best wishes.

I want to be honest OL because in real life. It has always been my personality to bottle things up. I have spent 4 months realistically but I think of all the phone calls we made, and the baby we have. It is hard to give up.

It is hard to go outside because no one will watch my baby for me. My sister is selfish (she says: its not my baby). My mother is exhausted taking care of her elderly mom and my autistic brother [who is a real handful]. I don't want to burden her. So I just sucked it up and took care of my daughter. All my friends who are single don't relate to me [being a mom with a husband who lives in another country] and the married friends have their husbands with them [ i am to ashamed to tell them my problems]. I feel utterly alone and depressed.

yes my overweight and low self esteem has led me to jump on the first man that wanted me. I think I keep him [because I am scared to be alone]

I know a little of how u feel I'm a single mum of 3 and never had much luck with my kids dads so now I am doing on my own as I was virtually doing that anyway even when I was with their dads, and I don't have no one to look after my children even tho my oldest is 19 but she has her own life and goes out herself, but u know what I couldn't be more happier for once in my life I have no one to answer to and it's out of this world spending every min with the kids I feel free and happy, I think maybe u should for get about your husband as he not there for u anyway and except the fact I have to do this on your own the sooner u do that the better u will feel, hope your ok tho x

Hi Kma80 I am raising my daughter on my own. My parents help with cost of living [till i get on my feet and get a job]. My husband does not provide for my 10 month old daughter. I am raising her on my own. All he does is call me. He tries to provide emotional support. but he is too busy complaining about his life and resenting me. see above [for why he resents me].

Last night I put my baby to sleep and I was tired. He calls me and tells me you never have time for me. your always too tired to talk. I

When I called him in the morning he was asleep. It is like we keep missing each other.

I feel since I have the baby and you don't provide me with anything. You should work around my schedule.

Having a baby is hard work and very Time consuming and he should really respect that, it's the same here my children's dad don't support them financially whatsoever and my oldest 2 their dad has had nothing to do with them for 10 years I had to do my best to split up with him after domestic violence when I was pregnant with our son he's loss tho my gain and every day it is hard but all so worth it I look at them I think to myself I done this all on my own and I really couldn't be prouder of myself,if it's not working out with u and your partner and he do t support u and your baby how he should then I say do it on your own it basically doing it on your own now x

Don't ever be scared to be alone and besides your not alone u got your beautiful daughter I can do it and will do it happier with him not dragging you down xx

Let your parents take care of the baby or they can pay for childcare. They wanted you to marry so they should be responsible too.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles.

I do think that regardless of the marriage, you do need to get work in order to get some self esteem back. At present I think you're feeling quite stuck and alone. That will get worse if you stay in the situation you are in. You need to make a change.

What work can you do? You must be educated if you are wanting to eventually complete a masters level program.

You can put your dd in daycare or a day home.

Once you are working- you will start to get more of a life of your own. Your thoughts will clear up. And then you can begin considering your marriage.

Dont make marriage decisions while you're feeling stuck and down. Work on yourself, create some change, and then think of the marriage again. Otherwise you'll be at risk of making further decisions based on fear.

Hi everyone,

Sorry for taking so long to respond. I have big news. I spoke to my husband and told him I feel lonely in this marriage and I don't feel I have a husband. We talked about everything and we agreed on me coming with the baby for a two week vacation. I do miss him and I am so excited to see him.

He got offended that I told him I am scared he will take my baby away. I kind of apologized for making seem like a horrible person.

I felt a wave of emotions as I talked to him on the phone. I thought prior to the phone call that my heart was numb to him.

I am now going to work on my self esteem.

My parents said they would help me financially put my daughter in daycare. I told them I was depressed with the baby. daycare for my daughter.

My parents prior to me getting married. I used to be depressed I was getting no marriage offer. Being 29 and being fat I thought no one wanted me. So when this guy came into my life. My mom was so excited for me. She pushed me to get with him. She was worried about me also not finding anyone. In my culture [turkish- getting married is a big deal].

In hindsight I do realize it was wrong to marry someone so quick. but I was desperate to not be alone.

This sounds so difficult. You are a 30 + year old student with no job and now at home with a baby. He has no money and works as a taxi driver in Turkey. You live with your parents.

Are your parents happy to financially support all of you?

The financial side of your marriage alone sounds very difficult. I think you need to do all you can to progress your career and get financial security at least.

Thank you for responding.

The baby has me so exhausted. sorry for responding late.

Milenniuem- my parents are willing to support me financially [till we both get on our feet].

My parents were high school sweethearts and the begining of their marriage they were quite poor but dad became an engineer and we live a middle class lifestyle. My parents believe if were both committed to working then we can also give our children middle class lifestyle. I was told ahead of time [there will be no inheritance, but university debt was paid off by them].

I do realize our biggest obstacle will be finances. but I was scared to never meet the right one [and end up being a spinster].

My 10 month old daughter makes me so happy. I just hope I can make her proud.

I also want to [have it all] career, man and kids. but i am struggling to have it all. I wonder if it is possible to have it all. My mother was a stay at home mom and dad provided for us 3 kids a very comfortable lifestyle.

I wonder if I can have it all. Should I give up on my dream in becoming a professor. This was the dream I had when I completed undergrad. Should I have a practical dream. Should I finish my masters and work a regular career.

I always thought I was smart and thought my career should reflect my intellect. I struggle with having a regular career and feel I am letting my self down if I never become an academic professor].

but my life is in such turmoil, with hubby in another country as a taxi driver [he completed a 2 year college diploma in Turkey in Hospitality]. He speaks english but can't write in English.

I sometimes think I am being selfish in having big dreams [academic].