Ten years ago something happened *trigger warning*

[casperthefriendlyghoster]

And I've never been able to process it properly...

I've been a lurker on here for a long time now but not really ventured into posting until today.

I'm 27, and there's something that ten years on I cannot shake and cannot close. I even attempted counselling but was too ashamed and embarrassed to explain what happened, so although we made progress in other areas we never got close to working on this.

I was 17, in sixth form and had snuck out with a friend for a night out in our local town. I was a typical teenager, far too short dress on, fake tan and high heels and my parents thought I was at a sleepover.

Whilst out, we met some male friends of my friends who were much older (think about 25). We had a couple of drinks with them and one of them hit it off with me and we kissed in a nightclub.

I then lost my friend, and my phone battery died. The man I was with told me that my friend had gone back to his friend's with a guy and he could walk me there to find her, which naively I did.

We arrived at the house and it became quickly very clear that the friend had never been there and was not arriving. I had been lied to.

I was now alone with this older man, and absolutely petrified of my parents finding out I was out drinking. I had no phone and my friend lived in a village out of town.

Whilst worrying this man kept running his hand up my bare leg, trying to touch my crotch. I remember pushing him away multiple times, I even remember trying to rub my phone battery to desperately try and get some last life out of it.

Man tells me that if I stay the night he can drop me back at friends in the morning before my parents arrive and then I won't get in trouble, I reluctantly consent.

Again, more attempts to touch my knickers, and me pushing his hand away.

I'm ashamed to say I gave in, he then proceeded to have sex with me and I was so scared and confused that in my mixed up 17 year old head I didn't want him to have sex with me in the area that was in my head for lovemaking, and baby making, I felt like that would be too much of an invasion so I asked him to instead do it anally, which was extremely painful.

Afterwards I told myself that this must be what being grown up is like, this is how one night stands must work and desperately tried to normalise the situation.

The next morning, we had sex before I left (again I think in an attempt for me to make it a 'normal' situation and 'just' a one night stand').

He dropped me off at the friends, my dad picked me up and I sat at Sunday lunch with my parents that day like nothing happened at all.

I haven't told any friends or family about this, the shame I carry is so heavy I struggle to articulate it. I made the mistake of telling a partner about it and they said I should have 'tried harder' to stop it and implied it was my fault.

Does anybody have any advice on shutting this down once and for all? I don't want another ten years of haunting. I don't even know his name.

Just huge hugs for carrying this around with you for so long
I am sure someone will come on the thread with some valuable advice.
I can only say that I really think you need some counselling to be able to process the enormity what happened to you
xx

It wasn’t your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. All I can say is that I think counselling may help you move forwards.

I feel so sad for you, it definitely wasn’t you’re fault and you don’t have to feel shame, he should be the one ashamed. You will most likely find therapist in your area who deal with sexual topics like these and they will be use to people opening up on things like this x

It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed off. I’m really sorry that happened to you, it’s fucking dreadful

So sorry that this happened to you and that you have had to carry the burden of it for so long.

The shame and guilt is difficult to shake off but you must try to remember you didn't do anything wrong. Perhaps you may find some solace in recognising that this happens more often than we all realise to many young impressionable girls. It sounds like it wasn't fully consensual sex and you were duped into returning to this man's flat.

As the pp's have said, I would suggest you build up the strength to discuss it with a qualified counsellor and take it from here. You will find you are far stronger than you think and it will get easier for you.

Don't let this consume anymore of your emotional and mental wellbeing than it already has. Get help, you have all your life ahead of you. Wishing you all the best.

He’s was a disgusting predator who knew exactly what he was doing and took advantage of you. You must have been so scared and confused.

I am so sorry this happened to you it was not your fault xx

From what you’ve said there is no doubt in my mind that this man knew he was taking advantage of you. He was older and knew you were young enough to worry about getting into trouble with your parents, and actually used that against you. You sound like you were very sexually inexperienced and completely intimidated by the whole situation. It sounds like it was a very painful and traumatic experience that you’ve tried to bury. I think that the reason you’ve struggled to move forward is because you haven’t addressed it yet and whilst the first move by writing this is in the right direction I think you would benefit from going to counselling. I would imagine it resurfaces every time you are in a situation where you don’t feel empowered and end up going along with what other people want. I think your partner was likely shocked because he will think the default scenario is kicking, screaming, fighting for your life - but for so many people it’s not like that at all. This doesn’t diminish your experience or how you feel about it. He is wrong, it wasn’t your fault and you need to forgive any part of yourself that you hold responsible. It sounds like you want to bury this but I think you need to resolve it in your head - you were not to blame, what’s happened is in the past and you can’t go back and change any of it but you can change how you feel about yourself now and in the future- and stop punishing yourself. Good luck xx

It was not your fault. I’m so sorry you had to go through this

Totally predatory, coercive and manipulative on his part. He should've stopped when it wax remotely clear it wax painful for you as well (which was probably clear).

I understand why you tried to make it not 'real' sex re. the anal. It was another sign he should've stopped but given his he set you up and pressured you, he wasn't going to care about that.

(I know girls who've had anal in order to stay 'virgins', not the same scenario (since they weren't being coerced and manipulated) but attempt at separation (physically, emotionally, the significance) is along the same lines.

Your situation is one of those that I consider people would technically judge not to be rape, bug which is (to me and I'm sure others) clearly rape.

I also fully get the havinvvsex again to try to normalise it - I've find similar in situations (though not as harrowing as yours).

Don't know what else to say but I'm so sorry that happened to you.

*was

*but

• I've done similar i.e. I've had sex in a quite coercive situation and then continued seeing the guy to normalise it and make it ok. My very sweet traditional cousin did the same with continuing to see a Turkish man who essentially raped her on holiday (locked the door to room and coerced her into sex through extensive, repetitive hassling, verbally and physically).

I haven't told any friends or family about this, the shame I carry is so heavy I struggle to articulate it. I made the mistake of telling a partner about it and they said I should have 'tried harder' to stop it and implied it was my fault.

The shame is not yours, it's his. Of course if he had a conscience or was a decent human being he'd never have acted that way.

Your partner was a dickhead, an idiot and is wrong.

Not exact same scenario but I can identify with your post so much. I was 18. I had flashbacks and night terrors for years because I was so ashamed I didn't say no harder.

Time is a great healer but the best thing I've had is hypnotherapy. For me the shame was very visual and the hypno dulled the images in my head and reprogrammed my brain to almost see the image in less technicolour, then faded, then black and white, then blurred and eventually I was struggling to picture it. It made me finally stop replaying it constantly. I still have a couple of triggers but they're not visual and I know when they're happening.

Not your fault.
Something similar happened to me .

Sadly I don’t think it’s that rare.

OP I am so sorry this happened, and that you've been carrying the burden of shame and guilt, which belongs to the rapist.

I very much urge you to seek counselling from a therapist who is experienced with sexual trauma. You do not deserve to be suffering flashbacks and intrusive memories.

This man knew exactly what he was doing. He knew you were young and naive - he chose to lie to you to get you on your own, in private, so he could attack you. You ended up "consenting" - but under duress (and you may be interested to know that in law, a contract/agreement made under duress is not legal.) You attempted to take some form of control by asking him to do anal . The following morning you again attempted to reframe the situation with you in control by having "consensual" sex with him.

Can you see how hard your subconscious was working to protect you? You knew deep down that to refuse x and run away would have put you in greater physical danger. Your subconscious reasons "Hey better injured than dead" and reacts accordingly.

"Consensual" sex with an assailant following an attack is very common. It doesn't get talked about because a) it's every defense lawyer's dream and b) you know full well that a lot of people will go "Oh so he didn't really rape you, you obviously enjoyed it as you went back for more." There is a fundamental lack of understanding on this, because it's not talked about. You are not weird or dramatic or lying or a slag. You're a survivor.

Please get some therapy and talk this through. If you are open with close friends about it, you may find a significant number have had similar experiences.

You deserve to heal

What a terrible thing to happen to any 17 year old. Innocent and naive, having a stolen night out, with no clue how awful some men can be. You have been taken totally advantage of. You didn't know what the outcome of going with this disgusting excuse for a man would be ...but he did. Try to get some help/talking therapy with someone you trust. But never, never place any blame on yourself for this ...move on as best you can which will probably take a long time. Best wishes.

Look around at the 17 year old girls you know - they are still just children in women‘s bodies. Be kind to yourself - sadly it’s very common at that age to be taken advantage of - we are taught to trust adults and it’s difficult to realise as a young person that not all adults can be trusted.
None of this is your fault - it helped me to read about how people freeze or comply in these situations - on a basic level you feared for your safety and reacted how someone who feared for your safely did.
But I would urge you to seek counselling for your own sanity. I kept pushing my experiences to the back of my mind but they Never went away. Finally dealt with it near 50...all those years when I could have found peace earlier. Plus it creeps into your relationships with the other males in your life. Please go see someone - it’s not your shame it’s his. Think if you were giving advice to a friend what would you tell her to do. Please sort this for yourself. You deserve to be happy, you need to process it and move on. Good luck.?“

Thank you everyone for your posts, it's the first time I've really shared this as I said (bar the partner, which I immediately regretted) and just reading 'it's not your fault' is providing some soothing in itself.

I think the recommendation to seek counselling with a sexual trauma therapist may be a good route for me, my previous counselling was with an anxiety specialist and I just felt like the words I needed to use were so crass and awful they'd kind of stick out in the room.

I do think the experience has leaked into my daily life in little ways. I can sometimes come across as a little abrasive or defensive to men, including at work, when I'm actually a very warm and friendly person. I don't like being touched by partners without warning, it puts me on edge.

I also find that I deliberately dress in quite a plain way to detract attention, particularly in the workplace where I know the men I'm in the company of the least.

Thank you again, I appreciate some of you posted in the middle of the night so apologies I wasn't able to respond immediately.

Its not rare at all sadly.
Me and all
my friends have had situations like this happen (gone along with it when we really didnt want to) A similar thing happened to me on holiday and I still think about it now.

You could also look into EMDR therapy for trauma? I was dubious at first but I have had this and it really helps. I don't have intrusive thoughts anymore and I also suffered for 10 years.

Thank you- I'll have a look. I just want to move on and not too assume that all men have the potential to make me feel that way. I feel constantly on guard and defensive.

I just want out to the 17 year old you and help you x