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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Control freak or gentleman?

40 replies

Makingthechange79 · 06/02/2019 22:06

Hi, background - 39, mum of 2, son passed away 11 years ago, daughter 15 (has her own issues) ex in prison left him 2011 after 12 long volatile and violent years fuelled by drink/drugs etc. Met current OH almost 2 years ago after being on my own for along time (daughter could not cope with me being with anyone else) and he is a dream. Everyone loves him, including daughter (shock)
We all live together now and have a lovey happy home and he spoils us both rotten. Very attentive to me and supports all my crazy ass decisions!!
I have put on 2 stone since we met (contentment?) and I feel a bit frumpy of late and have resorted to wearing not very flattering clothes. However he is constantly telling me I look amazing etc.
Lately and tonight even, he has been a bit over the top with things and please please tell me if this is out of order from me....I can take it I promise!!
Today I was at home and after I cleaned etc I had a shower and heard the door going so threw on a pair of tight sports leggings and a zip top. Nothing major. I had a few errands to run this evening so off I went and came back after a few hours and OH had dinner ready.

After dinner he sidled up for a cuddle and noticed I had no underwear on and took it really bad and is now in bed really annoyed as he feels I was 'running around half naked' and could not bear anyone seeing what was underneath. The bottoms are black and to be honest if I had pants on it would prob be more noticeable!!
So.....am I in the wrong or is he trying to control me?

I can take it.....please don't be shy:)

OP posts:
Original poster
Makingthechange79 · 06/02/2019 22:14

I guess I am asking as I know how the story goes.....how it starts and I could never ever go back to a life of someone controlling my every move and thought. I know he is a good guy, I guess I just want someone to tell me to catch a grip and put pants on!
It took me along time to become the person I am today after 12 years of physical, emotional, mental and verbal abuse and I am afraid I have let my walls down perhaps....

OP posts:
snackarella · 06/02/2019 22:26

Ummmmm yes it's weird.
What errands were you running??

pog100 · 06/02/2019 22:26

Personally I don't think it bodes well that he feels that he has any say at all in how you dress yourself. You are not his possession nor do you reflect on him. However if he has been ok up till now and you haven't missed anything, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he has fuck all to say about how you dress. His reaction to this will tell you a lot.

coppercolouredtop · 06/02/2019 22:29

You were hardly half naked. You had a zip top and leggings.

He is being odd. I'd be asking questions.

gottachangethename1 · 06/02/2019 22:31

I agree about stamping it out early. ‘I’ll wear what I deam appropriate, not what you tell me I should wear.’ However, on a different note, I can’t understand people who wear gym tights/leggings without underwear- it’s so bloody uncomfortable for me Confused

Iflyaway · 06/02/2019 22:32

took it really bad and is now in bed really annoyed as he feels I was 'running around half naked' and could not bear anyone seeing what was underneath.

I'm sure you wouldn't go out onto the street naked. But this is his take on it.

He sounds horribly controlling. Going to bed in a huff. FFS.

NEXT!

MumsyJ · 06/02/2019 22:40

Well, no one saw what was underneath... OP you saucy minx running around without knickers 🙂!

I think he meant well but slightly overreacting not controlling, some men aren't used to it.

Just talk to him the circumstance that led to your quick dash out. I'm sure he'll come around. It happens, it's nothing and I'm guilty as charged too... sometimes.

Original poster
Makingthechange79 · 06/02/2019 22:44

Thanks to those advising, I know it seems a tad weird, I genuinely just nipped out with what I had on, I would not normally go about without underwear. I was in my sisters and a friends just. No public places or anything.
If I was at home in my pjs I wouldn't be wearing any underneath mind!
This is all very new with him and it is quite surprising as he is the calmest person I know!
Perhaps he is just tired as he is on call but yes I think I will have it out with him and lay the law down now. Guess I just needed confirmation.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Makingthechange79 · 06/02/2019 22:45

MumsyJ lol it happens, especially when you've a million other things going on in your head right?

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 06/02/2019 22:56

Has he seen you in swimwear in public? How did he react to that?
Could it be about wearing clothes that don't suit you and he is masking it with 'half-naked' when really he thinks 'not classy'. Said as someone who went to the local shop this afternoon wearing gym gear, no bra and a big coat over the too (I def need a bra 😄).

twominfromthebeach · 06/02/2019 23:08

Most blokes love the idea of their dp going commando! And whose business is it anyway ffs

The controlling behaviour and lack of trust ring alarm bells big-time.

PolkaDoting · 06/02/2019 23:17

It would have my antenna twitching that’s for sure!

merville · 06/02/2019 23:18

Commando is not naked or half naked, you're still fully dressed and noone would know you weren't wearing UW (even if I noticed you had no vol, which is unlikely- I'd presume you had seamless or g string UW on).

He's being ridiculous, it's not a good sign tbh. I'd keep my eyes wide open re. his behaviour and attitudes.

Smallhorse · 06/02/2019 23:21

Meh, he’s being daft. Not a big deal.

merville · 06/02/2019 23:22

Being v honest I've done it myself, either by pulling on leggings without UW temporarily for some reason and then forgetting I hadn't put UW on, or forgetting to take a change of us to the swimming pool (and being too precious to put used UW back on), or v occasionally by being ridiculousky behind on laundry, no undies dry and nowhere handy to buy a pair (tho I do sometimes just nick partners smallest boxers).

I've partner said anything disapproving about going commando I'll tell him to wise the floor up bug it wouldn't sit well with me.

merville · 06/02/2019 23:24
  • if partner .. wise the fk up but
NotTheFordType · 06/02/2019 23:35

Hmm. If he's been okay up til now, could be a bit of a clash of harmless but opposing viewpoints.

EG - I sleep naked and I judge anyone who sleeps in PJs to be a dirty smelly fucker. But I wouldn't impose that choice on anyone else. (I'd just silently judge, which is much more fun.)

I would find it very strange and I'd feel very vulnerable to leave the house without underwear on. But then I have annoyingly large boobs so going without a bra is just a recipe for thrush of the boobs, and wearing any sort of legging without knickers will result in thrush of the fanjo.

OPTIMUMMY · 06/02/2019 23:39

I think it’s a really OTT reaction and a bit bizarre. My DH would find it funny or saucy definitely not huff worthy. If he went off in a huff I’d think he was trying to be funny! If he is great in every other way then I’d be trying to find out why exactly this is such a big deal for him. Is it that he was embarassed and thought you’re one step away from Tesco in your jammies? Or is it a genuine odd sexual jealousy. Haa he ever been like this about anything else? Any other jealousies?

NameChangeNugget · 06/02/2019 23:41

His reaction is a bit OTT and frankly weird.

cstaff · 06/02/2019 23:53

He is being a bit OTT but give him a chance. Probably just has a different way of looking at things. Unless it carries over to another similar incident let it go.

Drogosnextwife · 07/02/2019 00:01

I go commando all the time OP, I hate underwear, find it so uncomfortable, always have.
My DP found it a bit strange and had a laugh about it by it he would never go I a huff because it has absolutely no impact on him at all. I would be a bit concerned by his reaction. Infact if I was you I would be pissed off by it.

MitziK · 07/02/2019 01:32

Neither. He's being absolutely ridiculous.

Maybe he was brought up with very strange attitudes about covering up at all times, but that's for him to concern himself with - not to get a fit of the vapours about his partner and random men in public.

category12 · 07/02/2019 06:29

I'd be wary. Are there other behaviours that wave red flags?

Don't kowtow to his tantrum - don't apologise, don't smooth things over, tell him you'll wear what you want and if he wants to behave like that, he can do it alone. And make sure you do wear what you want, don't let what he's going to think start weighing with you every time you get dressed.

Fuppy · 07/02/2019 07:28

Sulking is controlling behaviour, also he shouldn't be making you feel bad about what you decide to wear!

AgentJohnson · 07/02/2019 07:34

Why did you feel the need to tell us about your weight and his response to it? How long have you known this man and did you have any counselling after your earlier traumas?

Taking himself off to bed because of you forgetting to put your unders on under clothing, isn’t weird, it’s manipulative.

You need to be unambiguous in your handling of this. His apology must be heartfelt and unprompted, if not, then I see trouble ahead. Time to communicate and assert strong boundaries and if you can not, then this man and your relationship with him, should not be a relationship role model for your DD.,