Control freak or gentleman?

[Makingthechange79]

Hi, background - 39, mum of 2, son passed away 11 years ago, daughter 15 (has her own issues) ex in prison left him 2011 after 12 long volatile and violent years fuelled by drink/drugs etc. Met current OH almost 2 years ago after being on my own for along time (daughter could not cope with me being with anyone else) and he is a dream. Everyone loves him, including daughter (shock)
We all live together now and have a lovey happy home and he spoils us both rotten. Very attentive to me and supports all my crazy ass decisions!!
I have put on 2 stone since we met (contentment?) and I feel a bit frumpy of late and have resorted to wearing not very flattering clothes. However he is constantly telling me I look amazing etc.
Lately and tonight even, he has been a bit over the top with things and please please tell me if this is out of order from me....I can take it I promise!!
Today I was at home and after I cleaned etc I had a shower and heard the door going so threw on a pair of tight sports leggings and a zip top. Nothing major. I had a few errands to run this evening so off I went and came back after a few hours and OH had dinner ready.

After dinner he sidled up for a cuddle and noticed I had no underwear on and took it really bad and is now in bed really annoyed as he feels I was 'running around half naked' and could not bear anyone seeing what was underneath. The bottoms are black and to be honest if I had pants on it would prob be more noticeable!!
So.....am I in the wrong or is he trying to control me?

I can take it.....please don't be shy:)

Hmmm my DH would be horrified if I did this mostly because he is a massive prude who is always telling me off for not closing curtains tightly enough when getting dressed etc. He definitely wouldn’t sulk about it but he might scold me in a light hearted way for being a bit slovenly (in response I wouldn’t give two hoots about his opinion).
I do think your DP is being OTT - could there be another reason for the sulk and this is an excuse?

I hope I don't get flamed for this awaits flaming
I've seen some people in leggings and wonder if they've looked in the mirror before going out! I mean, sometimes you can see everything! Even if they are the thick sort of leggings, they cling to everything, and unless you are a size 8, it's not very attractive I am not a size 8
Could he have been just trying a different angle to let you know it wasn't appropriate? What you wear is your business but I'd like to think that any partner I have would let me know if something wasn't a good look on me. Just giving a different angle on this!

It sounds a bit of an overreaction by him but is it possible that you were revealing more than you knew? You mentioned you are overweight. Sometimes with larger women in leggings it can be more obvious than you think that you are not wearing undies because of the way the material stetches.

To be honest I doubt anyone noticed that you'd thrown on leggings and a top, the world's a busy place you know..He needs to get over himself. Now, as you were..😊👍🏻

How could he tell you weren't wearing underwear with your leggings?

I never wear underwear with my leggings because I don't like panty lines. However, if my top does not cover my butt, I will wear a nude color thong to avoid anything see through if/when I bend over.

His response is a bit ott to me. Unless you were sporting some obvious camel toe, or they were sheer and see through, I really don't understand his sulking behavior. Has he calmed down enough for you to calmly ask why it caused a reaction with him?

I think he had an issue he needs to resolve and get done help with.

I'm always naked under my clothes no matter how much I'm wearing.

It a bit like getting fussy if you're in a swimsuit in a pool.

I doubt if anything can change his mind about it though

Why did you feel the need to tell us about your weight and his response to it? How long have you known this man and did you have any counselling after your earlier traumas?

Taking himself off to bed because of you forgetting to put your unders on under clothing, isn’t weird, it’s manipulative.

You need to be unambiguous in your handling of this. His apology must be heartfelt and unprompted, if not, then I see trouble ahead. Time to communicate and assert strong boundaries and if you can not, then this man and your relationship with him should not be a relationship role model for your DD.

This. And why on earth would you think that not wearing underwear under sports leggings is 'out of order'? It's more alarming to me that you are so unsure of yourself around this man, especially given your past. I personally never wear underwear well, other than a sports bra with my running leggings, which are heavy-duty winter affairs worn to run in, not those flimsy Primark leggings through which you can admire someone's vajazzle at fifty paces.

This sends alarm bells off for me. Maybe because I was with a very obviously abusive and controlling man for many years and then when I finally broke free, I was single for several years. Then I met someone who appeared the polar opposite to my angry, shouting abusive ex, someone who appeared to cherish me and who seemed so kind, gentle and nurturing. But in hindsight, I now realise that I wasn’t really aware that abusive and manipulative men do come in different shapes. The fact you mentioned your weight for example, while he seemingly reassures you but actually it has made you more conscious of it then set you at ease. His reaction is dipropionate and quite frankly weird. He isn’t shouting but he still controlling by sulking and making you feel very uncomfortable. Your inner compass is out of whack and it might be hard for you to see his behaviour as controlling because he has wrapped you in what seems a blanket of nurturing and kindness. In a way that can be far more insidious because you end up doubting yourself and wondering why you are feeling so confused with such a seemingly wonderful man. I’d tell him that his sulking and reaction was inappropriate and what you wear or don’t wear is none of his fecking business. Do listen to that inner niggle. The very fact you posted and the title means that deep down you know he isn’t actually a gentleman but very likely another controlling man.

PS: I'd play him this and take the piss if he ever raises the subject again....

Grumpelstilskin

A lot of us wouldn’t have anything on underneath in that situation; it’s fairly common. I tend to do the same in the evenings after work. But his reaction to it is a concern.

I had an ex way back who used to go funny about me going topless on the beach. He would sit beside me and sulk.

The problem here is that you are far too invested in him being ‘a good guy’ that you’re been willing to overlook the not so good guy behaviour. In short, your ‘gratefulness’ has contributed to a dynamic that isn’t healthy.

This incident is a massive test as to how far you’re willing to be manipulated by him.

I also always go commando unless wearing a dress or skirt - I cannot stand the feeling of underwear under trousers. But my partner wouldn’t dream of commenting as it is nothing to do with him

@Grumpelstilskin 😂

Following on from my earlier comment, in the hot weather, I often don’t wear knix under summer dresses and skirts; no I don’t wear short skirts! If someone starting questioning me about what I chose to have on or not have on, I would so not be amused.