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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I relax and have patience?

27 replies

Twiztid · 06/02/2019 09:28

ExH and I divorced a few years ago. It was my fault. It wasn't an affair or anything but I questioned it all.

I made such a mistake.

Since then we have stayed close. He moved out. We both saw a few people but kept coming back to each other.

Over the last 6 months he's been here a lot. Stayed over a lot. Been intimate a lot. Its felt just like old times and I've been so happy when he's here.

But when he goes home I miss him so much.

He knows how I feel and he says there's no rush. There's no time frame. He said he's not looking for anyone else. He enjoys spending time with me. Staying over.

I made the mistake of telling him I loved him. He said I know. It hurt. He says he's always loved me but he won't say the words directly.

I'm being pushy and I don't want to scare him away but I'm also desperate to have my family back together.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twiztid · 06/02/2019 09:57

Or has anyone experienced the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twiztid · 06/02/2019 16:19

.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 06/02/2019 16:28

He's taking the piss. You are a convenient, comfortable back up plan for when he wants a shag.

If he wanted to come back, he would already be there.

Tell him you're done with the casual booty calls. He either comes back properly, exclusively (assuming that's what you want) or you part ways for good.

Flamingosnbears · 06/02/2019 16:29

You need to know where you stand, don't be used.

Habadabadoo · 06/02/2019 16:38

Have you got kids together?
Is he weary of you blowing hot and cold?

Original poster
Twiztid · 06/02/2019 16:46

We have kids yes.

I don't think it's like that.

OP posts:
ImMeantToBeWorking · 06/02/2019 17:21

Remember that you hurt him greatly, from his point of view I imagine that he is trying to make sure that you aren't going to change your mind again. He is protecting himself from being hurt again.

Give him time, giving him an ultimatum is going to make you look pushy. Maybe give him a time scale at worst, but don't expect that if you tell him to jump he will ask how high.

Original poster
Twiztid · 06/02/2019 20:00

I'm. You're right and that's very true. Thankyou

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 06/02/2019 20:06

You can put up with whatever crumbs you want, but I don’t think it’s fair on your kids.

He’s ‘looking around’ and using you while he does that. You have been apart several YEARS - he’s not coming back. If he wanted to be back, he would have been back before now.

Original poster
Twiztid · 06/02/2019 20:08

He said he's Not looking around. He doesn't want anyone else. He just isn't ready to move back

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 06/02/2019 20:10

NotTheFordType has it spot on.

Original poster
Twiztid · 06/02/2019 20:19

But they aren't booty calls Confused

He can stay many nights and us not have sex.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 06/02/2019 20:26

I agree with ImMeant and can’t believe some of the reports you’ve had.

You ended it with him, I expect he was deeply hurt, so he’s bound to want to take things very slowly. He’d be an idiot not too!

Ignore posters saying give him an ultimatum. You’re just going to have to be patient. Enjoy what you have together now and don’t put pressure on him.

LizzieSiddal · 06/02/2019 20:26

*replies

Original poster
Twiztid · 06/02/2019 22:05

I agree Lizzie

I did him wrong. I don't think him being cautious is him using me Confused

OP posts:
WH1SPERS · 06/02/2019 22:51

Can I just check - how many nights a month do the children stay over at his house ?

Does he pay all the child support he should and pay for everything for the children when they are staying at his - clothes, toys, out of school activities?

And on these nights that he stays over at yours , are these on the nights when you have the kids or when he has the kids ?

PolkaDoting · 06/02/2019 22:54

Why did you end it the first time round?

What’s changed?

Original poster
Twiztid · 06/02/2019 23:02

I thought the grass was greener. We were childhood sweet eat hearts and I'd never been single my whole adult life. Never kissed anyone else. It was a midlife crisis thing. Turns out I hated every second of my life once we were apart. I just wanted him back.

Failing to see the relevance whisper. He's a fantastic father.

OP posts:
another20 · 07/02/2019 00:01

What about your children - why is he happy to leave them for days? Does he enjoy the rest and leaving family life behind?

Original poster
Twiztid · 07/02/2019 09:21

He doesn't leave them for days. Where did I say that? Like I said we always stayed close. He's sees them almost everyday after school, picks them up most days and all weekend.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 07/02/2019 12:44

Twiz I would ognore the posters who are determined to paint your H as some bad father.

Just give him time to build up the trust again and I hope things work out well for you both.

WH1SPERS · 07/02/2019 13:14

Well I think how he parents his children is relevant. And it’s would influence the advice that I and some other posters would give you.

So you might say

“yes , he has the kids more than that. 50% of the time and organises everything for them. He has bedrooms kitted out for them at his house, set of clothes and toys. When they are at his his takes them to all their activities and pays for them . Hes a great dad “.

“Or you might say - no , they don’t stay at his at all, he’s too busy with his work/ he doesn’t have a spare room / he plays football at the weekend. But he sees them at mine. He comes here, eats the dinner that I’ve prepared, watches my TV, plays x box with the kids and spends the night in my bed. Usually I pop his washing into the machine too, it only takes 5 minutes. In the morning I make his sandwiches for work.”

“He doesn’t pay child support because he can’t afford it. And I don’t see him at the weekend because he has football training on Saturday and matches on Sunday . But he’s a great dad, he’s always posting the kids photos on FB and buying them games for the X box. “

But I can see that you have decided that whatever happens, you need him back. Because you hate every moment of your life without him.

So I wish you and your children well and hope it works out for you all.

another20 · 07/02/2019 21:06

But a great Dad wouldn’t leave his children confused as to their family status - wondering if the family is back together for good or temporaryily or just part time or about to break up again. They must be on tenterhooks.

Does he “present” as a family to the outside world - do you all go to social and extended family events as a family unit.

Musti · 07/02/2019 21:39

Divorcing isn't just a spur of the moment thing. It takes a long time and a lot of admin. I don't blame him for not rushing back into things and questioning your commitment. What changed?

LaughingCow99 · 07/02/2019 21:57

If my childhood sweetheart ended things I'd be deeply hurt.

There may be a part of him that is enjoying seeing you feel the hurt he experienced.

I do think it's time he told you where he see things going. He likely doesn't want to seem like a lapdog that jumps when you decide you want him back.

Lay your cards on the table. If he isn't going to commit to you, you are better off knowing now. It won't scare him off if he wants the sane thing. I think he knows you want him back, but he can't lead you on forever