Dear Mumsnetters,
I’ve lurked for a while but would appreciate some advice. I’m after some different perspectives on what my wife of 10 years means by something she said.
Firstly, some context. She had an abusive upbringing, which has affected our relationship in lots of ways. We’ve had a fair amount of heartache to deal with, and we’ve supported each other as best we can.
She’s admitted that she was emotionally abusive towards me in the beginning, and I was too young really to recognise and push back. So many of our day to day patterns now are negative. She doesn’t trust me, and I’m scared of her. She’s very defensive, and I tend to retreat. We never really communicated properly.
I have made some mistakes. Last year I became good friends with a female colleague at work, and which, because I was scared, I didn’t tell my wife everything about. This friendship helped me realise why I was unhappy - and that I had been for a few years - and my wife and I started talking about it. It came out of the blue for her.
I didn’t lie exactly, but I withheld some details, and deleted some texts, for self preservation. We knew each others’ phone codes, and whilst I’ve never checked my wife’s, it turns out she was checking mine.
I understood my wife’s issue to be the secrecy of the friendship, not the friendship itself, so I tried to bring it out into the open. One weekend my wife and son were away (separately, she was on a uni reunion), so, in a misguided effort to put the friendship on a more normal footing, I asked my wife before she left whether she would mind if I asked my friend if she wanted to go out for a few beers that evening. My wife said yes, I think you should do it.
Big mistake. It turns out that it was actually a test - and I failed. I shouldn’t have gone at all. My wife now sees it as a betrayal, and this friendship as an emotional affair.
I don’t think it is, but have never dismissed her point of view. I was secret after all. But rather than turning away from the marriage, and seeking solace in another, I turned towards it - we’re now communicating like we never have before, and in some ways are closer than we ever have been.
It was my idea to try Relate, and it was helpful. We didn’t resolve all the issues, but we did create a bit of space and trust to be able to talk more rationally.
Fast forward to now. My wife cannot get past the drinks that summer evening. She sees it as the point at which I ‘changed her life forever and stopped caring about [her] and our family.’
We’re still talking about our marriage, what we want out of life and how we want to live it. Neither of us has made any firm decisions about the future - well I certainly haven’t, I want to make sure we’ve tried everything before calling it a day. I love her and want the best for her.
But today she said two things that troubled me. First, that she can’t show me love if she doesn’t know where she stands. And when I said she does know where she stands - ie we’re married, we love each other, but are trying to resolve our differences - she said that actions speak louder than words.
To my mind, she’s putting conditions on her love for me, and those conditions are related to how I act. So essentially, she’s saying she’ll only love me if I behave how she wants.
Is that right? All thoughts are welcome.
Thank you.