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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How the fuck is this my fault.

43 replies

HelenaDove · 05/02/2019 20:42

Someone i know from school who has always been a bit of a man pleaser but also has minor learning difficulties who has just come out of an abusive relationship she kept insisting she was happy in while she was in it has been on a dating site called Badoo (never heard of it till yesterday) and has arranged a first date with a man to come to her house tomorrow I have tried to tell her it was a bad idea and made some suggestions like meeting for a coffee etc which she has suggested to him All of a sudden he says he now has to wait till his next pay day to do it and he has cancelled tomorrow which she is blaming me for.

he also said he had booked the day off specially to meet her (why would he need to do that if he works evenings) and yet its MY fault hes now not talking to her.

She keeps coming back with things like how a friend told her this dating site was safe Hmm

He wanted to meet at her house at 9.30 am but have to leave at 1pm to get ready for an evening shift. Hmm

After trying my best to keep her safe i got "Thnaks now hes not talking to me"

why the hell did i bother.

OP posts:
cowfacemonkey · 05/02/2019 20:46

Just text back “you’re welcome glad to keep you safe, sorry you can’t see that he probably wasn’t a decent guy in the first place but I only care about your safety I don’t care about him pulling out on meeting you”

Villamoura2012 · 05/02/2019 20:46

He has to wait til payday to buy a coffee?

How is that someone anyone would want to get involved with, totally aside from anything else?

category12 · 05/02/2019 20:48

You did the right thing - mad to meet a stranger at her own home.

Villamoura2012 · 05/02/2019 20:48

People on dating sites at as fickle and flaky as fuck. Tell her to read the dating threads on here.

Meeting for a coffee instead of going to someones house also wouldn't put off a genuine person.

Sounds like he thought he was going to get a free morning/early afternoon fuck with free accommodation and has now reaalised he's not.

Original poster
HelenaDove · 05/02/2019 20:50

shes still messaging coming up with shitloads of excuses why she should go ahead with this. and saying that the last boyf took her out on proper dates but was still abusive. Totally missing the point. the whole point of meeting in a public place is to be safe.

OP posts:
Villamoura2012 · 05/02/2019 20:50

He may not even be single, hence the weird time for the meeting.

She's way too naive and easy to be internet dating, or dating at all

Villamoura2012 · 05/02/2019 20:52

No site is safe.

It's up to each person to keep themselves safe.

But do you know what the actual problem is? That you're trying to be friends with her. Just from this alone, all you're going to do is cause yourself stress.

Justwantednicethings · 05/02/2019 20:56

He was 100% arranging a no strings shag. She just didn’t realise it.

NotANotMan · 05/02/2019 20:56

I know she sounds vulnerable but honestly you've done your best, just bow out of the conversation now

Original poster
HelenaDove · 05/02/2019 20:59

Yep She worships the Mighty Penis too much She was moaning about the fact shes got hardly any female friends left when she split with the last one.

Thing is she will probably do this anyway and if its not with the chancer she was chatting to today it would be another one. One minute shes telling me she had 2 video chats with him the next they talked every day on the phone After what happened with her date yesterday surely that should make her wary.

This bloke arranged to meet her but didnt show but her ex and his mate were sat sniggering at an adjacent table.

And yet she thinks men are always right.

Even when we were at school and a boy she liked liked another girl she would ALWAYS blame the other girl even when it wasnt reciprocated and the other girl wasnt interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelenaDove · 05/02/2019 21:02

Agree Think its time for me to bow out

OP posts:
Betty777 · 05/02/2019 21:10

You still did the right thing, so just know that and try let it go? must be frustrating but even so.......

and do it again if she tries to make the same mistake, you may be the only one she's discussing this with

Magenta46 · 05/02/2019 21:13

Yes bow out and ask her to speak to her support worker if she has one.

qazxc · 05/02/2019 21:13

It's not your fault.
At best that bloke wanted a quick and easy leg over and at worst she'd be a newspaper headline.
She's had a lucky escape even if she doesn't see it.
But from now on I'd be detaching myself from her because she does sound like a bit of a nightmare.

userschmoozer · 05/02/2019 21:16

I used to know someone like that and it turned out she used to relay every comment made, to her man, with a twist to make it about him. I found that out when she came back to me with ''he's really pissed off about what you said''.
I'd been talking to her about her behaviour. I gave up at that point.

Andtheskyisgrey · 05/02/2019 21:18

At best that bloke wanted a quick and easy leg over and at worst she'd be a newspaper headline.
She's had a lucky escape even if she doesn't see it.

I would be sending her this message. Blunt. To the point. Then ignore any further vitriol (or block).

YourFly · 05/02/2019 21:21

Hes moved on as he thinks a shag is now out of the question basically.

halfwitpicker · 05/02/2019 21:22

Why do you still hang around with these people?!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/02/2019 21:25

You have tried to make sensible suggestions but you cannot do her thinking for her.

BlankTimes · 05/02/2019 21:26

Totally missing the point. the whole point of meeting in a public place is to be safe

Spell it out in the simplest terms you can, repeatedly, explain in detail about how she is making choices that hugely put her safety at risk.

This advice upthread is bang on. You may have to expand on the ways she could be a newspaper headline
At best that bloke wanted a quick and easy leg over and at worst she'd be a newspaper headline.

PotteryGirl · 05/02/2019 21:26

Sleep soundly in the knowledge that you did the right thing. She'll thank in the long term when she's had time to think about it.

speakout · 05/02/2019 21:32

Whay are you so invested in this woman?

SlatternIsTrying · 05/02/2019 21:45

You have my sympathies.

I had (yep, I said had) a friend who used a dating site. I suggested fairly basic safety precautions like letting someone else know where she was meeting them, meet in a public place etc.

I was told I was boring, that risk was part of the fun and I didn’t know how things worked ‘these days’. I was mocked and she even phoned me on one of the dates and pretended to be in danger, then her and the date laughed down the phone at me.

You can’t help some people.

GabsAlot · 05/02/2019 22:09

wow slattern thats really nasty

20 years ago i met my now dh online we did meet in public but i neded up staying with him-it was a really stupid move on my part as noone knew where i was

Op if youve tried youve tried theres not much more u can do

Meowstro · 05/02/2019 22:16

In terms of adult social care the question is, does this person have the mental capacity to make decisions for themself Vs someone who has learning disabilities making unwise decisions. As long as it's just the latter which it seems to be, you've done all you can.