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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How the fuck is this my fault.

43 replies

HelenaDove · 05/02/2019 20:42

Someone i know from school who has always been a bit of a man pleaser but also has minor learning difficulties who has just come out of an abusive relationship she kept insisting she was happy in while she was in it has been on a dating site called Badoo (never heard of it till yesterday) and has arranged a first date with a man to come to her house tomorrow I have tried to tell her it was a bad idea and made some suggestions like meeting for a coffee etc which she has suggested to him All of a sudden he says he now has to wait till his next pay day to do it and he has cancelled tomorrow which she is blaming me for.

he also said he had booked the day off specially to meet her (why would he need to do that if he works evenings) and yet its MY fault hes now not talking to her.

She keeps coming back with things like how a friend told her this dating site was safe Hmm

He wanted to meet at her house at 9.30 am but have to leave at 1pm to get ready for an evening shift. Hmm

After trying my best to keep her safe i got "Thnaks now hes not talking to me"

why the hell did i bother.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 05/02/2019 22:19

In fairness, most people in abusive relationships insist they're happy to the outside world. It's just what abuse does.

Abuse is normal to her, she's not going to share your perspective. Sounds like she's operating on the basis that anybody who superficially appears nicer than the abusive ex is the best thing ever and could not possibly be any kind of threat. Which is sadly normal for someone who's come out of an abusive relationship and hasn't had professional support to process and understand it.

picklemepopcorn · 05/02/2019 22:22

Another thread about Badoo?

Butterfly84 · 05/02/2019 22:42

This 'date' seems dodgy and you've done the right thing OP.

lonesomeonbauble · 05/02/2019 22:47

He has to wait til payday to buy a coffee?

Oh fuck off. I bet you believe poverty is a myth.

SaturdayNext · 05/02/2019 22:55

speakout, people are entitled to worry about vulnerable women being exploited and potentially abused, assaulted and even killed. It doesn't make them "so invested" that you need to query it.

DoctorDread · 05/02/2019 23:10

Yes to the poster saying she could be the next newspaper headline Confused

Original poster
HelenaDove · 05/02/2019 23:21

pickle this is a genuine thread but you are free not to read it or post on it if you think otherwise i hadnt heard of badoo until yesterday when she massaged me about the bloke who stood her up.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelenaDove · 05/02/2019 23:22

*mEssaged

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 06/02/2019 07:53

The site itself isn't the issue (I met my bf on badoo and he's not turned out to be a serial killer!) but the situation you describe basically says he was only interested in going to her house for sex and so the coffee doesn't interest him.
You didn't force her to suggest it to him, she needs to accept responsibility for her actions. First dates in your own home are a bad idea IMO so I'd say you've done the right thing. She's probably dodged a bullet but unfortunately it sounds like she's not going to recognise that

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2019 07:57

S'ok Helena- Twas just weird I read two in a row when, like you, I'd never heard of it.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/02/2019 08:07

A decent man would understand it’s best to meet in a public place first time. The fact he’s cancelled suggests he’s not a decent man.

It’s a shame your friend can’t see this but you‘ve done the best thing by telling her this.

Original poster
HelenaDove · 06/02/2019 13:46

No worries pickle Apparently its been going for a while . Shes still moaning and blaming me for the fact hes not talking to her.

i too suspect he might be married. Explains the odd time he wanted to come round. He may even have kids and thats why he wanted to leave at 1 pm Cos hes got to pick them up from school or nursery. He works nights apparently She did say what he does so he can afford to meet for lunch or a drink. He just wants a quick shag and is either too tight to meet her in a public place or doesnt want to be seen in case it gets back to his partner. He might not be married but his actions or wannabe actions make me suspicious.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2019 13:47

Totally. Treating her like a sex worker, frankly.

Villamoura2012 · 06/02/2019 16:32

Oh fuck off. I bet you believe poverty is a myth.

@lonesomepnbauble

If you can't shell out 3 quid for a coffee on s special occasion (a first date) when you're working as he said he is; you seriously need to examine your financial management.

And you're very quick to be aggressive to some stranger on the internet, aren't you?

Keyboard warrior. Fuck right off yourself, idiot.

Villamoura2012 · 06/02/2019 16:33

*lonesomeonbauble

Jux · 06/02/2019 18:49

He just wanted sex and a free coffee. You're right though, she'll find another, and another, and another....

Are you actually friends, or is she just someone you know from school?

Original poster
HelenaDove · 06/02/2019 20:47

ive distanced myself from her for a long while now. Because of stuff like this. Shes not good at accepting responsibility for her own actions She is going to a help group once a week for women who have been in abusive relationships.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 06/02/2019 21:20

Definitely doesn't want to get spotted out in public with her/wants a quick shag.

You did what any good friend would do.

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