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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guy at work

40 replies

Adviceneeded37 · 05/02/2019 17:34

Hello, I am here for advice on how to deal with a situation at work (NC for this thread, long time poster/lurker)

I have worked with a guy for about 4 years, we have always got on well and I feel like there’s always been a spark there, we gravitate towards each other at work drinks and there’s a lot of flirting and close talking, close body language but then he acts cool towards me again, im left not knowing where I stand, am I being really naive? Im 37 fgs, not a kid. I’ve started avoiding him completely and not going to work drinks to avoid him, but this doesnt work as he just sees it as a challenge to get me talking to him again, he’s extremely charming and charismatic and like I said we get on so well so its hard to blank him. Today for example Ive avoided him all week (for my own sanity!) but he makes eye contact gives me a compliment and starts asking me if im ok and we get chatting again and he asks if im out this evening which I was looking forward to, now im not going as he said he’d go. It just makes me feel a bit upset as this has been happening a lot recently and seems to be getting worse, I dont know how he can act in that way as if he wants to know me then cold shouldering me... its just confusing Sad please give me advice on what to do, I dont want to be thinking about him but just want to move on, its hard though as its quite a tightly knit office and theres no getting away. Fwiw i love my job and wouldnt leave it. Thanks.

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 05/02/2019 17:38

Are you both single? That’s surely the starting point. If so, not sure what the problem is.

Original poster
Adviceneeded37 · 05/02/2019 17:39

I am, him - not sure.

OP posts:
Shadow1234 · 05/02/2019 18:00

Tbh, after 4 years, if he hasnt made a move by now, you should know exactly where you stand!

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/02/2019 18:07

He's an attention whore doing the i've still got it dance.

That is all.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 18:12

Sorry but after four years and you don't even know if he's single it would seem you ve a bit of a crush but it's not reciprocated to thr level you'd like.

Possibly you've mistaken his friendliness for something else,,but the fact he's had the opportunity and never taken it tells you something.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 18:17

Want do you mean he cold shoulders you op? Could he simply be busy and focusing elsewhere, because he sees it as work colleagues and loose friends?

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 18:18

Sorry and why aren't you going to the event because he is there? Can you really not handle socialising near him?

Tucobenedicto · 05/02/2019 19:14

When is it you leave primary school to go to high school..FFS get a grip

PositiveVibez · 05/02/2019 19:26

I think you are highly over-invested in this non relationship.

4 years is such a long time to be pondering over this.

You need to get over your unreciprocated crush. Not attending work social events just because he is there, is frankly a bit barmy.

Dirtybadger · 05/02/2019 19:41

Don't flirt with him. Problem solved. Just keep it friendly and professional. He might just loosen up outside of work and not even realise what he's doing?
If he doesn't realise then if you stop reciprocating he will get the message. If he ignores you- oh well, as long as it doesn't effect your work (e.g. he ignores work emails or requests relating to work) Don't worry too much

Dirtybadger · 05/02/2019 19:42

If he does realise then he will get the message I mean...

Original poster
Adviceneeded37 · 05/02/2019 20:04

Thanks all. Its the advice and words i need to hear x

OP posts:
Scott72 · 06/02/2019 00:46

Even if you were both single dating a work colleague, especially one you run into frequently, is a bad idea on principle.

Sethis · 06/02/2019 01:13

Have an adult conversation?

"Hi, I fancy you a bit, you seem to be giving me vibes that you fancy me too. Want to go for a drink together, or not really?"

Write it on a bit of paper and give it to him if that's easier.

Although I have no idea how you've known him for 4 years and still don't know if he's single.

BrassBellsAndElephants · 06/02/2019 06:28

Have an adult conversation?

"Hi, I fancy you a bit, you seem to be giving me vibes that you fancy me too. Want to go for a drink together, or not really?"

Loving the idea that "I fancy you" is an 'adult conversation'! Grin Wink

Original poster
Adviceneeded37 · 06/02/2019 07:24

I emailed him saying if he ever fancied going for a drink let me know, this was about 2 years ago.. he was single then. He turned really weird and literally cold shouldered me in the office for 6 months! It was horrible, he just blanked me stopped even saying hello and everything. But then he started being friendly towards me again and he came out for my birthday, says all nice things but nothing ever comes of it (such as wanting to come and visit my town etc) I think from the answers on this thread I have my answers though, just needed a wake up call and cold hard replies to sort it out. Just got to be firm now and avoid at all times as its just a headwrecker as feel like we’ve got close but it doesnt mean anything. I dont have any family and guess im just a bit lonely so been giving it too much thought 😔. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/02/2019 07:30

Ah, I'm sorry op. But he sees you as a friend and doesn't wish anything more.

You can't avoid work dos and social events, and I understand how difficult it is if you work with him, but you need to learn to be civil and accept it's nothing more than this.

Have you had any other partners during this time? Have you tried on line dating? What about your social life, do you have things to keep you occupied?

user1493413286 · 06/02/2019 07:37

It sounds like either he has a girlfriend or (sorry to sound harsh) but likes to flirt but doesn’t want it to go any further.
Either way you need to protect yourself; give him the total cold shoulder and be brief when you talk to him. He’s not going to change what he does but you can change how you respond.

SuperSuperSuper · 06/02/2019 11:07

His response to your request for a drink was the cold shoulder. He's uninterested. He probably thought that having made himself clear, it was fine to be friendly again after six months of distance.

You could try asking him out again if a "no thanks" would help give you closure but it could be awkward all round.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2019 12:51

Please don't ask him out again op. For your sake and his. You've asked him out once and he's been very clear he is not interested, and I suspect there is more to it as you say for example nothing comes of it and he won't come to your town

I'd suspect he is trying to maintain a friendly relationship with you, as he likely does to everyone, and when you make it clear you still fancy him,,he pulls back until he thinks enough time has past and you're over it. And then he finds out you're not. He probably would like to be friends and on good terms with everyone due to thr small size of the office.

As it's been four years, maybe you need to get some help to move past this, because it's not healthy to be so focused on this man like this. You need to be a ot to interact with him and not hope he might fancy you if he is being nice, and simply accept there is nothing there. 💐

notacooldad · 06/02/2019 13:06

What a joke.
He's attention seeking and when he gets it turns on you ( cold shouldering you for 6 months)
What a cock.
Get a crush on someone else and stop feeding his ego.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2019 17:34

Yeah, I'm not sure it's attention seeking. If someone at work asked me out, and I rejected them, and it was a small office, I would probably try to be nice to them and not simply kick them to the curb, but I guess I'd also with draw if it felt like there were going there again, and yeah. If I though they were over it, try to make peace and be there friend, hoping they had got over it.

I suspect he's in a tough corner, he pretty much has to avoid the op, because anything else she is going to read as he might fancy her, and that's difficult in a small work environment.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 06/02/2019 19:47

Sounds like he is married. I would just tell him to fuck off next time he starts complimenting you. You are not some play thing

Original poster
Adviceneeded37 · 07/02/2019 05:22

Thanks so much for the thoughtful comments... it’s actually made me feel loads stronger and clearer i really do appreciate it. Honestly since i asked him if he wanted a drink and he turned on me i have not once put myself forward anymore - its all been him. At our Christmas party i was 100% keeping my distance but he hounded me all eve told me he ‘nearly lived me’ - urgh. and even before then id say for the last year hes been making all the attention on me. He comes over to me in the office and initiates chat. But thanks again for all of your thoughts, i dont want to be stuck here anymore, im def going to be colder now (in a polite way!) as it has to stop, just think its unkind that he does seem to just use me to boost his ego! Its hard to understand as im not like this myself, I am a genuine person, hes not, or hes very messed up. He is 100% not married but im sure he encourages female attention wherever he goes!! Ive looked at his social media, no sign of pics of any partner/gf. He was with someone years ago but he told me they split up. Anyway thanks again all you have made me feel better. Just needed to hear some support/ real truthful thoughts!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceneeded37 · 07/02/2019 05:25

Whoops .. ‘loved’ not lived.

OP posts: