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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Guy at work

40 replies

Adviceneeded37 · 05/02/2019 17:34

Hello, I am here for advice on how to deal with a situation at work (NC for this thread, long time poster/lurker)

I have worked with a guy for about 4 years, we have always got on well and I feel like there’s always been a spark there, we gravitate towards each other at work drinks and there’s a lot of flirting and close talking, close body language but then he acts cool towards me again, im left not knowing where I stand, am I being really naive? Im 37 fgs, not a kid. I’ve started avoiding him completely and not going to work drinks to avoid him, but this doesnt work as he just sees it as a challenge to get me talking to him again, he’s extremely charming and charismatic and like I said we get on so well so its hard to blank him. Today for example Ive avoided him all week (for my own sanity!) but he makes eye contact gives me a compliment and starts asking me if im ok and we get chatting again and he asks if im out this evening which I was looking forward to, now im not going as he said he’d go. It just makes me feel a bit upset as this has been happening a lot recently and seems to be getting worse, I dont know how he can act in that way as if he wants to know me then cold shouldering me... its just confusing please give me advice on what to do, I dont want to be thinking about him but just want to move on, its hard though as its quite a tightly knit office and theres no getting away. Fwiw i love my job and wouldnt leave it. Thanks.

OP posts:

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 05:32

and even before then id say for the last year hes been making all the attention on me
Really? He makes eye contact and friendly conversation? With all due respect you are
Massively over thinking this. Esp as he gave you the cold shoulder when you asked if he fancied a drink. Sounds as if he were mortified by this, he didn't even take you up on it as a friend.
It's a bit much that you label him as a non genuine or seriously messed up person based on this, he sounds pretty normal, whereas you sound a bit deluded about your attractiveness to him. Sorry.

Original poster

Adviceneeded37 · 07/02/2019 05:33

Fwiw he said he wanted things to happen between us but he was scared if something went wrong it would have an impact on his career which is fair enough however he needs to just leave me alone if thats his decision and stop with this half thing, one foot holding the door open crap which is annoying.

OP posts:

Original poster

Adviceneeded37 · 07/02/2019 05:35

Friendly conversation telling me im the most beautiful girl he knows, not just friendly is it.. i am trying to avoid him.

OP posts:

AzraiL · 07/02/2019 05:39

'Nearly' anything is not good enough. You wouldn't accept work that was 'nearly' adequate or put up with a man that was 'nearly' faithful. The man has had four years to make something happen, which is more than enough time in anyones book. He sounds like he's stringing you on, when he should have stopped messing with you so you could focus on finding someone that will actually love you. Best of luck.

Original poster

Adviceneeded37 · 07/02/2019 05:44

Thank you x

OP posts:

Gina2012 · 07/02/2019 05:50

I emailed him saying if he ever fancied going for a drink let me know, this was about 2 years ago.. he was single then. He turned really weird and literally cold shouldered me in the office for 6 months! It was horrible, he just blanked me stopped even saying hello and everything

The man is an absolute arse

And you need your head sorted for even considering dating him

Ignore him completely and if he won't leave you alone when you do this (he sounds as if he likes a challenge) tell him that his pestering you makes you uncomfortable and would he please stop

Move on. It's way overdue

KeepingitNC · 07/02/2019 05:50

he said he wanted things to happen between us but he was scared if something went wrong it would have an impact on his career
conversation telling me im the most beautiful girl he knows

Yeah, didn't mention that before though, did you? And the first is another instance of him letting you know nothing is going to happen, so he hasn't really got 'one foot holding the door open', has he?

How old are you, OP? And have you posted about this guy before? It all seems very familiar.

Gina2012 · 07/02/2019 05:53

Ffs what a drip feed

YOU need to leave him alone, OP

Stop interacting with him

Problem solved

Oh ....and grow up

category12 · 07/02/2019 07:05

Stop letting yourself be suckered by him. He's just playing games with you. Draws you in, pushes you back. He likes it. He gets off on it.

So stop engaging. Stop getting into situations that give him opportunity for saying stuff like that. Group conversations only, civil but distant, professional demeanour and work topics, don't respond to flirting, be dull and stop reacting to him. If you can't stop obsessing over him, change jobs.

Adora10 · 07/02/2019 12:46

4 years OP, and you are still hanging in there, you really need to give it up now; he does it because you are feeding his ego, he knows you fancy him; when he cold shouldered you the first time you should have treated him the same, be civil but no long chats etc; you didn't, you allowed him to keep treating you with disrespect in the hope he was suddenly going to fall for you, it's 4 years so you know that is not going to happen.

As for him having a g/f you have no idea, just because he doesn't post it on FB or whatever.

Be civil, have your office chat but honestly you need to stop allowing him to use you in this way.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2019 15:53

Ok that's slightly different, him saying he loves you wishes to be with you that you're her most beautiful girl in the world. Sorry let me rephrase, it's very different to your op and subsequent posts.

Either way, I don't know if you're now making up crap to justify why you've been mooning over him for four years, or he's the worlds biggest creep, which makes why you're mooning over him even less understandable, but I think op thr message remains the same. If he wanted to get with you he would. The door isn't half open. He's told you no once already.

Let it be enough, don't waste your life mooning after this guy. Go live it and find a man who is interested in you.

NotTheFordType · 07/02/2019 16:23

literally cold shouldered me

He undid the top buttons of his shirt and slipped it off his shoulders, then wandered around the office going "Fuck it's cold"?!

Sorry :)

All this "I nearly love you" and blowing hot and cold would actually make me suspicious he's gay and deeply closeted. OR a nasty piece of work who enjoys leading women on then crushing their hopes.

Forget him! Focus on meeting people (friends and potential romantic partners) outside work. Because the one thing he's told you that I believe is that work romances can negatively impact both of your careers. It's insanely awkward when you split up.

Get yourself on OLD, maybe some Meetup.com, evening classes or volunteering?

LuckyLou7 · 07/02/2019 16:50

Ugh, he sounds creepy. Nearly loves you? What a wanky thing to say. Just be polite and professional from now on, and don't interact with him other than when you have to, for work reasons. Start OLD and find yourself a real boyfriend, amd say goodbye to this ridiculous state of affairs.

Bobbybobbins · 07/02/2019 17:09

I had a similar situation several years ago - a good friend who became a FWB. I wanted a relationship but he wasn't interested. When I met my future DH the FWB was pretty vile about it, despite not wanting any commitment Definitely time to get yourself out there and meet someone else!!

Alondonleerie · 07/02/2019 20:14

I nearly love you doesn't even make sense. What a load of rubbish.

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