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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another fine mess that I need to end

31 replies

flamingnoravera · 05/02/2019 12:25

I've been seeing a guy I met OLD since Dec 30th. At first he seemed fab- a writer, just returned to UK from Spain to be nearer his children. We spent a whirlwind mad new year together and he ended up staying over at mine for nearly a week. Yes, stupid I know- but it happened.
Since then I have learned more about him through conversations, turns out he has no money, none, no work, no hope of work becayse he wont work for anyone but himself, smokes 20 fags a day. Is staying at his daughters on the sofa (when not at mine). Has stayed more days at mine than his daughters since new year. I have fed him and all the rest. Sex has been incredible. BUT and here is the really big but... I feel that he has been love bombing me so that he can move in as a cocklodger- in fact he pretty much has.

I even said to him that I did not need a cocklodger and he was mightily insulted but the more I think about it the more I realise it is exactly what has happened.

On Sunday I told him I needed space and could he please go to his daughter's place. He was stroppy but calmed down and went.

I know I need to end it. I want to call him and end it over the phone so that it is done as I cannot see how calling him to say "we need to meet" is going to be a good idea, for one, there is nowhere to meet as pretty much all our relationship has been at my home. I don't want him back here. So I need to call him.

When he left on Sunday he made a point of leaving some shoes and some clothes here. I am 100% sure it was so that he had an excuse to return. I want to call him, say its over and put his stuff in a bag and then say he can come and pick them up but I will hand them over at the door.
I just want to say "its not working for me" as he is a master smooth talker and he will try to interrogate me for reasons and try to suggest that I am wrong. I just know that he is not good for me and I want to end it.
So, a phone call soon (today) to say "its just not working for me, I am ending the relationship" and when he asks about his stuff I shall say "I will have it ready for you if you want to call by" but I am worried that he will then try to come in and then he will try to manipulate me into letting him have "one last kiss" etc.

How to handle this? I am bloody well old enough to know better but sometimes so foolish I could give myself a slap.

And for those who know my username- yes, it is not the first time I have got myself into a stupid mess like this. But this one seems more sinister- manipulative and controlling- hence needing to do the break up on the phone and then run for the hills.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamingnoravera · 05/02/2019 12:27

BTW I am heading out for a swim right now- I need to get my head clear so I wont be back to answer any responses for an hour or so.

OP posts:
14allall41 · 05/02/2019 12:30

Could you meet him somewhere else so he doesn't get a foot in the door when he picks his stuff up? Just anywhere other than at your front door!

Desmondo2016 · 05/02/2019 12:36

So glad you realise you need to end this. Bag up his stuff, message him and arrange to meet somewhere, give him his stuff, and it and walk away. Then block!

Desmondo2016 · 05/02/2019 12:37

*end it

Variousartists · 05/02/2019 12:39

Put his stuff on the doorstep and go out? Put it on his doorstep? Get a friend to drop it off?

user1486915549 · 05/02/2019 12:40

Tell him you will meet him in a cafe with his stuff
Take a friend if it helps and say you must dash as you are going on somewhere
Don’t let him anywhere near your place.
And in future don’t put yourself at risk inviting strangers to stay with you at your house. He could have been anyone !
Take care x

Unbelievable18 · 05/02/2019 12:42

Yes, arrange to meet him with his things in a coffee shop and just say what you need to say and hand them over. Don't get swayed otherwise.

ImNotKitten · 05/02/2019 12:45

YY to meeting him elsewhere. He’s less likely to cause a scene in a coffee shop. All the better if you can have a friend with you.

Variousartists · 05/02/2019 12:59

I had two scenarios like this.

Arranged for ex1 to pick up things from doorstep, I opened the front door wide, put my coat on, turned around and he was there. He had arrived early, obviously to catch me. He actually sat in my front garden texting me for two hours after I wouldn’t let him in.

Ex2 said, throw my stuff away, I don’t want it. I left it for a few weeks and threw it away not feeling entirely comfortable about it but thought that was what he wanted. A week later, he called asking for it saying he’d changed his mind.

In both cases, I should have put it on their doorstep straight away.

PlinkPlink · 05/02/2019 13:04

I would call him and end it. Then bag up his stuff and leave it outside your front door. No need for face to face at all. You don't owe him anything. You've not known him corner and years so you can end it quick.

The alternative is meeting in a coffee shop and bringing the bag of stuff along. Break up there.

Be resolute. Be strong.

Original poster
flamingnoravera · 05/02/2019 13:38

Thanks everyone. Just for clarity when he stayed over at first, my 25 year old son and his gf were around, I wasn't totally alone in my home with a stranger. But he overstayed his welcome way too long.

Right, just summoning up the nerve to do the call. There isn't really anywhere to meet for coffee round here, just pubs. I'll have to find a way round the stuff- I suppose I could take it to his daughters and drop it off, that way there's no coming in to my place. Just not exactly sure where she lives- but I can suggest it. I've builders at mine today so possibly might be ok to pick up from here as he wouldn't want to be seen to be nasty in front of other men.

OP posts:
Asta19 · 05/02/2019 13:51

When I needed to ditch someone in a similar way I just left his stuff in a bag on my doorstep and didn't answer the door. He tried ringing the bell for a while but gave up and went, and then I thankfully never heard from him again. If that's what you need to do then do it.

Original poster
flamingnoravera · 05/02/2019 13:59

His phone is on fecking voicemail GAH!

OP posts:
ToEarlyForDecorations · 05/02/2019 14:02

Have you bagged up all his stuff prior to making the phone call ? Done a search of the house to find anything of his that could be grounds for him calling and wheedling his way back to you ?

Also, brace yourself. When he accepts that it's over, you could get a real tirade from him.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 05/02/2019 14:04

His phone is on fecking voicemail GAH!

Did you leave a message ? Just bag up all his stuff anyway. He might not reply to you for a while just as a delaying tactic because he knows you want rid of him.

BTW, you've got the upper hand, keep it.

keepingbees · 05/02/2019 14:05

I think under the circumstances you're being a bit too nice. He's taken advantage of you and your generosity. Bag his stuff up and leave it outside your house. Text him and tell him it's there and that you're over. Then either go out or just lock the door and don't answer it. Or leave it outside his daughters house if you know where she lives.
Do you have a male friend or relative who could help?
I know ending it via text isn't ideal normally but it's only a very short relationship and if you know he's going to be manipulative when speaking/meeting don't put yourself through it you don't owe him anything.

Nampoo · 05/02/2019 14:08

cocklodger - new saying for me, love it Grin

Original poster
flamingnoravera · 05/02/2019 14:32

I am about to do a full house recce in case there is any more stuff- I think there are some dirty socks (ew). My builders have just gone so I am not going to suggest he picks up his stuff, if he mentions it I will say that I will post it to his daughters if he gives me the address.

Shit! FUCK, I've just remembered he has a set of my fecking keys. One morning I was leaving for work and he was all "oh I am not ready to go yet" and I stupidly gave him a set of keys so he could lock up afterhimself and he never gave them back, buggeration. Now I am up the fecking creek. No friends locally that I can call on to be here to support me if he turns up.

I can get the locks changed pretty sharpish. In fact I think I might do that right now rather than faff around trying to call him first. Then that is taken care of. I'm off to google how to change the cylinder in the lock.

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 05/02/2019 14:34

Forget the keys. He could make a copy. Just get the locks changed.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 05/02/2019 14:38

I think the Mumsnet SWAT team has just been activated....

Original poster
flamingnoravera · 05/02/2019 14:51

Locksmith on way.
Call done. He just accepted it and said "that's fine" then tried to press me for reasons but I was broken record and said "its just not working for me" and he said "its fine, well its not but there's nothing I can do so it has to be fine". Phew

Thanks everyone. And relax.

OP posts:
14allall41 · 05/02/2019 16:06

Well done!

Porridgeprincess · 05/02/2019 16:09

You must feel great relief. Well done, you sound very straight and brave

Original poster
flamingnoravera · 05/02/2019 17:01

I feel a bit flat tbh. Need something to look forward to. A holiday I think.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 05/02/2019 17:20

Holiday would be great OP! Nice movie and pamper sesh does me good too 🤩🤩