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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t know what to do about my relationship?

28 replies

wellybobs88 · 04/02/2019 12:54

I’ve been with my OH for 6 years and we have a 2 year old son. He’s a lovely little boy but is a typical boisterous 2 year old and can be hard work.
I work part time (2 afternoons a week) do the majority of the housework and obviously look after DS the majority of the time.
I try my best to keep the house nice and tidy but he’s never grateful for it.. he just comments on the negative. He always comments that I don’t cook from scratch like his mother does (I usually use jars for quickness as it’s hard chopping onions while a 2 year old is stealing them from the chopping board!) he says the jobs that I do are unimportant, several times asks what do I do all day, says that I’m lazy.
Yesterday he wound me up so much I said well if you were brought up by being breastfed and on such good food why are you overweight and I’m not? A low blow I know but I’m so fed up of being put down when I’m trying my best. He then called me a vile bitch, shouting and swearing at my in front of DS. This isn’t the first time.
Part of me wants to just leave to make him realise what I do and that he can’t talk to me like that. But the only place I have to go is my parents and I don’t want to put on them. We’re meant to be getting married next year the venue is booked, but I just have this sinking feeling it’s not the right thing. I feel as I have no other option but to stay. Any advice?

OP posts:
rainflowerstar · 04/02/2019 12:57

Yes leave!

Sallygoroundthemoon · 04/02/2019 13:00

Leave. He sounds awful.

peeblet · 04/02/2019 13:01

why on earth would you marry someone like that? leave!

Peppapig254 · 04/02/2019 13:02

Another vote for Leave here Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2019 13:06

You do have options.

It’s a horrible environment for your son to grow up in and you deserve so much more.

Original poster
wellybobs88 · 04/02/2019 13:07

I just wish I had the money to be able to have somewhere for me and DS to go. Literally the only place I have is my parents and they have their own health issues and I feel guilty putting on them as living with my lovely DS isn’t easy at times! I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
nc555666666 · 04/02/2019 13:10

@wellybobs88 I'm sure your parents would much prefer to have you there than for you to be putting up with that for any longer!

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/02/2019 13:12

Go to your parents and save hard fir a place.

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 13:16

Marry him? Are you kidding?!

People who are negative all the time suck all the happiness out of their partners. It's very unlikely he'll change. You don't have to make a decision right now, but if I were you I wouldn't have more children with him and I'd start saving up for a running-away fund.

Topseyt · 04/02/2019 13:19

You are already having doubts and your gut instinct must be screaming at you not to marry this arsewipe.

You know already that the marriage would be a disaster so leave him now, while you do not have that legal tie.

You need to plan for your exit. Do you work? Are you on maternity leave? Have you some savings?

I understand that you don't wish to impose upon your parents, but don't make a disastrous marriage the only other alternative. Either you have to leave somehow, or you might have to try and get him to go and live elsewhere.

Topseyt · 04/02/2019 13:21

I still think going to your parents would probably be best.

TheMoonOwl · 04/02/2019 13:29

How would you feel if, when you are older, you find out that your son stayed in an abusive relationship rather than come home to you?

MarcMyWords · 04/02/2019 13:31

Think of how much money (including your parents' money?) organising a marriage with this pr*ck would cost.

I'd be having more than a sinking feeling if this was how someone treated me.

MeganJPerry · 04/02/2019 13:31

Leaving should be a last resort when all other options have been exhausted. Your out of the house working 1 day in 7. So you have 6 days at home with your 2 year old. So i'm guessing from his point of view, you have plenty of time on your hands. You say he just comments on the negative, in what way? Does he have a point? As for onions, it's not hard to chop them up with a 2 year old around, you just make sure he cant reach them or find something to occupy his mind while your doing it.

Original poster
wellybobs88 · 04/02/2019 13:56

Thank you everyone, all opinions and thoughts are greatly appreciated. Unfortunatly I don’t have any saving, his parents kindly gave us the deposit for our house and as I haven’t worked full time since DS was born he basically says I can’t stay here if we split up as I couldn’t afford to run it on my own and he could. I just work 2 afternoons at the moment so only take home about £200 a month.
For example he can come home and the bedrooms are tidy, house is hoovered, his clothes folded away as he leaves them on the floor etc and he won’t comment on any of that but would comment on the fact it’s maybe frozen fish and chips for tea “it’s not cooking it’s just turning on the oven”, or I can do a nice tea and he will say it’s lovely but would say the house is a shit hole!
Sometimes he does have a point as I suppose everyone does in every argument. It’s how he speaks to me in front of DS the shouting and name calling, i’m worried I would let him grow up thinking that’s how it’s acceptable to speak to others.
He’ll tell me to leave and when I’ve said I’ll be gone when you get home from work if that’s what you want, he then tells me he loves me and we’ll be ok for a few weeks and then something happens and it starts again.
I just feel like a failure as I would bein my 30s, living with my parents with no savings. I did have a career I could go back to, childcare depending.

OP posts:
WH1SPERS · 04/02/2019 14:00

Is your name on the deeds of the house ? Did you buy it in both names or just his?

Did you work full time before your son was born and contribute to the mortgage?

Original poster
wellybobs88 · 04/02/2019 14:02

Yes my name is on half of everything on the house, and I contributed 50% of the mortgage each month for 3 years until my maternity ended just over a year ago.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 04/02/2019 14:59

“Sometimes he does have a point as I suppose everyone does in every argument. It’s how he speaks to me in front of DS the shouting and name calling”

It doesn’t mater what the argument is about it’s how he is speaking to you. He’s being abusive! You have to protect your son. You cannot let him grow up thinking this is how people commminicate with each other. You won’t be a failure if you move in with your parents, you’ll be a fantastic mother.

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 16:37

The thing is, you can do this at 30 or you can do it at 40 or 50, when the situation will be exactly the same. If you leave now, by 40 you'll be in a much better situation. If you stay, you'll be in the same.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 04/02/2019 16:45

My ex husband was like this - I would spend hours cleaning the house, and then he would run his finger over the top of a cupboard and find dust. Basically whatever I did, there would always be something else I hadn't done.

The purpose is to undermine your confidence, to undermine you, to make you feel worthless and not good enough.

it's called abuse and it took me leaving the relationship to see it clearly.

Leaving is scary, but not as scary as the thought of 40 years of it getting worse and worse and worse, and you becoming a shell of who you are now.

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2019 16:49

How did this twat feed himself and keep his house clean before becoming a father two years ago? Bin him now, don't marry him.

MeganJPerry · 04/02/2019 18:20

@OP. Thanks for the explanation. Beenandgonethere has the situation spot on. He is in the wrong for doing what he is doing & it's a form of emotional abuse, there is no other way to put it. It's all about undermining you & your confidence and I would be inclined to face him off on his behaviour and tell him it stops now. The law would be on your side when it comes to being in a home and him contributing towards your upkeep and that of your 2 year old. It wont be you living with your parents, it will be him with his.

showmeshoyu · 04/02/2019 18:40

I'm sure your parents love you very much and it would be no burden to them to take you in when you explain that your DP is being abusive to you. Do not marry this miserable excuse for a man. Please take your life and dignity back.

AgentJohnson · 04/02/2019 18:58

He’s a vile pig of a man and he and your relationship are a terrible example to set for your son.

You have a choice but you’re choosing to make a poor one, by staying.

AnnieCat84 · 04/02/2019 19:04

Leave him, leave him, leave him! There's never a perfect time to leave anyone but you need to bite the bullet and go. Don't waste your life with this ridiculous man. You'll regret it forever. Do you also want your son growing up in a household thinking it's acceptable for a man to speak to a woman in that way?

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