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Original poster

Friends taking sides after marriage breakdown

36 replies

Woofwoofbaa · 03/02/2019 22:26

He left me for a coworker

Mutual couple friends

The guys were probably closer but I was still friends with the wives

One of them doesn’t want to be friends any more
Ouch

OP posts:
Blessthekids · 03/02/2019 22:32

Firstly, I am sorry about what has happened, Flowers And the fallout you mention is not uncommon.
They are fair weather friends I am afraid, its sad that as grown ups we cannot navigate these situations. Are they just going to pretend you never existed so they don't feel awkward? Nothing you can do, but chalk it down to experience. Look after yourself.

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 03/02/2019 22:35

Hurts

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 22:36

For me it depends whether they are mutual friends where everyonr has independent friendships or mutual friends where the DHs are friends and therefore the wives and partners socialised.

If you had a friendship with a woman totally independent of hanging out in a social group, or just the wives etc then I would have said that they were really hurtful and nasty to drop you like that. But of they are someone you socialised with mainly during group meet ups based on husbands being friends then I can see how a friendship might drift (not that it removes the hurt for you though OP)

StarlightSparkle · 03/02/2019 22:37

I experienced this too. It’s hurtful but these people were not true friends if they could drop you like this, so it’s not worth wasting any time or energy on them. Concentrate on your real friends instead.

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 03/02/2019 22:37

We weren’t especially close but when you are feeling crap anyway it salt in the wound

OP posts:
Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 03/02/2019 22:39

In the opposite situation I would have helped her

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2019 22:42

It’s alwaya weird how not matter how long a couple have been together, when they split up the friendships tend to divide along the lines of who knew who first. There’s the odd exception but it’s so often the case.

He’s been a shit and of course you’re hurting, I’m sorry Flowers

Do you have other people you can lean on?

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 03/02/2019 22:47

Yes plenty of other real support

Just blindsided by this a bit

In opposite situation would not have done this to her

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 22:47

I hear where you're coming from. There's no denying it'll hurt.
I was just musing over whether it's sad but unsurprising or something mean on their part.

You're right anne. I generally find that unless spouses of existing friends actively forge a separate friendship away from the group then they seem to by default remain friends with the original partner they were friends with.

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 03/02/2019 22:49

Sad but unsurprising and what Anne said I guess

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2019 22:58

I know a couple who are really struggling at the moment, no one else involved but it’s not looking good. I’ve known him much longer but she and I are very close and that would be an exception for me. I’m fond of him but I love her and I hope they don’t split up because it’ll be awkward as arse.

In my own experience, again no one else involved, but I lost a bunch of “friends” when I left my abusive ex. My god it hurt at the time but there were also some people I realised I’d been tolerating because they were friends with him and I breathed a sigh of relief at not having to go through the motions again. You’re in the horrible post split readjustment period and it will get easier. Anyone you don’t have to see again which will turn out to be a good thing? Wink

giggly · 03/02/2019 23:00

Yup it’s rotten. When I split from stbxh I lost friends of 20 years. Apparently they didn’t want to take sidesConfused. I was incredibly hurt in fact heartbroken but now I think their just fuckersGrin

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 03/02/2019 23:03

Thank you all
Am sitting here in tears
In reverse I would have met her and not dumped. But I am a nice person I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 04/02/2019 00:44

It brings back all the pain of being left, rejected etc by him

Not good enough, not worth keeping in touch with

OP posts:
RomanticFatigue · 04/02/2019 00:47

Yeah, I lost a lot of friends too. Mostly mutual friends, but even people that I thought were my friends that didn't want to get involved. But I also found friends that were there that had just been on the side lines before.

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 04/02/2019 00:51

True
And can understand people who don’t want to get involved
But these have continued to see him
But not me

Need to get a grip

Think it’s also found out something re their relationship reaching new milestone

So the two rejections are mixed up

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGo · 04/02/2019 00:57

Ahh OP, that’s really crap. Take comfort in knowing you’re the better person, and that you’re better off without her- and obviously without him. It’s certainly not a reflection on your value Flowers Cake Brew Things will seems better in the morning, they always do!

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 04/02/2019 01:10

Thanks
Should get some sleep you are right
Hurts so bad
Will be better in AM

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 04/02/2019 01:34

All of the people that I thought were "mutual friends" have nothing to do with me at all, they won't even speak to me. It really hurt at first but I expect he fed them with a whole loads of lies as to why I left him. My guess is an affair? Reality couldn't be further from the truth. I left him because he abused me for a decade.
As I say, it hurt at first. They didn't care he'd left me with nothing when I found the courage to finally go. But one of my oldest friends hit the nail on the head with this...If they don't even bother to ask you your side of the story, if they don't offer any help at a time of need, if they believe lies made up about you-then they don't really know you and aren't worth knowing anyway.

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 04/02/2019 02:02

This is more about the development in their relationship than the friend though that does hurt as well.

It is ALL just heartbreakingly bloody painful so many different bits

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 04/02/2019 02:05

The woman who I'd thought of as my closest friend, did this . She rang and said she was insulted that I hadn't told her of my plan to leave him - as if somehow that was the important thing. She basically dumped me because I hadn't confided in her. I left 15 years ago and although I see her on odd occasions, she doesn't even acknowledge me. She and her husband are close with my ex though. Yes it hurts but you'll move on. There are plenty more pebbles on the beach. Hugs to you.

Scott72 · 04/02/2019 03:16

It doesn't sound like anything personal against you. They just prefer the company of your ex more. In any such split I imagine this is how it goes - you have to pick one side, as splitting your time between both would be impractical.

Original poster
Woofwoofbaa · 04/02/2019 07:20

It’s just another rejection when I am already feeling pretty low.
Done quite bluntly.

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 04/02/2019 07:29

When I told a friend that my XH had cheated and cried all over her, she heard me out then said, 'He's done nothing to me, so I'll still be friends with him'. It really, really hurt. Our friendship has never been the same. In fact, I barely speak to her.

Actually, now that XH is back from abroad, homeless and penniless (oh dear, how sad, never mind), perhaps I should suggest that since he never did her any harm, she could put him up indefinitely...

ShatnersWig · 04/02/2019 08:25

I had this. I had a friend, we were both single when we met. She got married, I got a partner. We socialised in a group of 8 of us but I still saw my friend separately occasionally. Her husband died suddenly at 38 leaving her with two very young children. Dreadful time. Of the group of (now) 7, I was the one she reached out to for help. Even though she had family there she asked if I could go round and I sat on the floor of her conservatory with her as she bawled her eyes out and just held on to me. She later asked if I would speak at the funeral and give the eulogy and to make it funny. Over the next two years I was the person she most sought for help or just to chat. When she wanted to organise an event in his memory, she asked me to help her.

A year later me and my partner split up after 11 years. It was an amicable split. That first Christmas my friend invited my ex to spend Christmas Day with her and her children. Not me. We barely speak now unless we happen to bump into each other.

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