Huge problem for me (How much) should my teenagers have a say in my relationship?

[hesta]

will try to keep this short, I have a fecking huge problem with my dh and my kids. me and dh have nearly split up over this and other things, but we want to make another go at it, we have a child together and have lived together for over 2 years. I have 5 chldren from marriage the older ones (aged 16, 17 20) have said that they will leave home if we stay together, the younger ones ages 11 and 9 are fine and really like him. and obviously we have a young child together aged 20 mths. he can be a bit negative sometimes but he works v hard at trying to do the right thing and fitting in. I feel totally fucked now, if he stays they thteaten to go, if he goes I am left alone, with massive consequences, financial, support, love etc. how much of a say should they have. I cant bear the thought that they might feel that I have 'chosen' him over them. Help before I take to the drink in an effort to drown my sorrows (will have to wait till after the school run!)

What problems do they have with him Hesta? Why don't they like him? Do you think they are justified?
What a horrible position to be in.

I'm sorryn but unless he is abusing them physically or emotionally they should have feck all say. Remind them that they are all old enough to support themselves and show them the door. I guarentee you they will be ashamed of their behaviour when they get older.

I don't think anyone can give you the advice that you are looking for unless you divulge more details about why your children despise this man so much.

Ask them if they are going to pay half the mortgage, take you out for dinner and go to the cinema with you, look after you when you are feeling down, etc. etc.

Agree we need more info.

Have you considered family counselling?

he is a good man, he has never had children until ours, he is kind etc etc, however.....he can be negative, ie making comments about people on tv its small things but it does get you down. He is also sometimes insecure, so behaves differently around other people, sort of ott 'funny' outrageous smart arse. I think he isnt a very nice person when he is away from us, but he is great when with us, he says that he is the real him when he is with us because he loves us all and feels comfortable with us. There have been times wehn we have been out that i want to die with embarr3essment at his carry on. We have talked about this between ourselves and these are the very problems that have nearly led to us not being together, but he is aware of these things, willing to work at it and has arranged to see a therapist to try and 'work it through'. I believe that he will 'grow up' and that there is enough good in him to be worth waiting for. i think i find it so hard because the kids are echoing the misgivings that I have. but I htink I have let them have too much power since me and their dad split up. tried to over compensate for being a slpit family. I really hate this situation and do not wnat to referee any more between them anymore but it will be crap without his support cos there are so many of them (kids) to deal with. am happy to give any info just didn't want to bore everyone into a coma!

have to do school run, will be back!

Has his behaviour towards your children ever been negative, aggressive, bullying, sarcastic, disrespectful etc?

Do his good points really outweigh his awkward ones?

I'm not sure what the answer to your question is but in any relationship the statement "I believe that he will 'grow up'" would ring HUGE alarm bells for me.

Hugs.

mum to 3. mmmm i'd say in the early days it may have been sarcastic but certainly not bullying or anything like that. more a case of getting it wrong around teenagers. his good points DO out weigh that bad ones but probably not from the kids point of view. he is generous suports all of us totally financially cooks, cleans, takes the load off me, goes out for chocolate at the drop of a hat for the kids, fetches carries school runs etc. spoils me at every opportunity with time and presents. when I say he needs to grow up I mean it in the sense of learning how things work in a family, and how they work in this family. I was very depressed after my marriage break up, and the older kids had to deal with a lot. when I felt better and went out more they saw a different side to me, tbh it was not a good one for me, drinking, clubbing seeing (for that read shagging but they don't know that) unsuitable men. it seemed to them that I was happy but of course it wasnt me and I wasn't happy. since having the baby I haven't been overtly happy being back at home not working coping with babs again after all this time. they see that as me not being happy with dh and want their vibrant mother back. I know I have to make changes regarding work etc but this has been a realy good 2 years in terms of having time out from the pressure of work and thinking about what I really want to do, which dh is v supportive of. Phew I could go on

Well, I would say that you need to sit your children down and tell them why this guy make syou happy and the reasons that you are choosing to be with him.

If they want to leave home over trivial matters then good luck to them - lets hope they know the cost of living!! Eventually they will leav ehome and have their own lives and relationships and therefore you need to endure that you protect your life and relationship too.

Perhaps your older children are just finding it hard 'sharing' you again with a younger sibling and a man they find hard to like.

they do find it hard sharing me and always have done. Have to lock myself away or go out to even have a conersation with friends> I thought teenagers were supposed to hate their parents and leave them alone. mine are like a second skin to thte point where I occsionally want to scream at them to eff off. is it too early for a drink?

Perhaps they are just protective over you affter your marriage breakup?

Please don't tell them to F off..they obvioulsy love you an awfl lot to be so posessive over you.

I've been in a similar situation (although only one of my older kids had a problem with newish-DH) and remember well how awful it was. It's not about making a choice, though, and you have to make sure your kids are well aware of that - they will be up and away and into their own homes soon and you will be on your own, as you say - you need to spell that out to them. Unless there is more to their bad relationship than you know about (did he once say something awful they can't forgive?), then they are being unbelievably selfish as only teenagers can - and they will one day realise that. It may have a short-term bad effect on your relationship with them, but you'll still be their mum and I think they will come round. It strikes me that your youngest 3 kids are the most vulnerable to any domestic upset, and you have to put them and yourself first.

Wait until one of them gets a boyfriend and throw a strop about 'it's him or me!' that should provoke an interesting reaction.

or, get them on a mission to find you someone better. See what horrors they come up with and the old 'better the devil you know' thing will kick in. They'll learn!

oops this is what my friend has just mailed me, didn't mean to post it quite like this, although I am liking her train of thought!

oh go on. Have a drink. It may loosen your tongue and make you tell people some home truths - it will make you feel so much better and then you can blame it all on the booze tomorrow. (maybe not constructive advice, but you've got to laugh, or what will you do?)

hassled it is a truly awful situation and not one that I would wish on anyone. Did things work out for you? actaully my eldest d is ok abuot it but she is away at uni most of the time. I don't think he's done/said anything unforgivable more like a slow drip of slightly ill judged comments. what you say about the youngest ones has struck home, they are not so loud or verbal in their wants so it is a case of he who shouts loudest maybe.
mumto 3, I'm Irish, telling my kids to feck off is really no big deal but I don't do it regularly! They are protective but its not a role that I really want them to feel they have to take and possesive isn't a good kind of way to show love I don't think.
ellieollie. I repeat I'm Irish, please tell me to go on have a drink again!

right this is really freaking me out, am sharing desk with college who I have introduced to mn to while away dull time in evening job and she has mn'd back to this thread not knowing its me. hence my last post come us as her cos I didn't look twice at open window things. mostly I am horribly spooked by this, but am going to have to fess up to her that its me. who said mn was anonymous! fuck fuck fuckity fuck. think I have to change name etc and start new thread. suggest she does the same

Hesta, I think the others have made some good comments. Your younger children will be upset if you split, since you say they like him. Your eldest are old enough to be getting on with their own lives soon, so you mustn't sacrifice your happiness for them. But you do need to sit down with them and talk this through, explain that he makes you feel happy, safe and secure, that it's NOT a matter of choosing between you, that you DON'T love him more than them, but you love all of them and dh equally - but them as your children and him as your partner - which is a different sort of love.

Don't they have bhs or gfs yet? They may understand better once they are in love. Or are they afraid that he will let you down as their father did, and leave you hurt again?

It sounds like his main problem with them is that he hasn't quite got into being a father - particularly if he acquired such a large ready made family including three teenagers all at once. I'm not sure I could have coped with that.

My dd had a terrible time adjusting to me and dp getting together, and it took a good three years of love, patience and talking to get to the point where we felt able to live together. She likes him now, though she's not uncritical. Did you and dh move in together very quickly? Do you think they weren't given enough time to adjust to having a new man around the house and felt you'd 'abandoned' them in a way for him - especially with a new half-sibling to take on board? My dd recently admitted that's how she felt, and she came round to liking him when she realised I still loved her to bits and he wasn't a threat to her place in my life.

I think it did happen too quickly for them, they were much happier when he was bf and not partner, I got pregnant, we had to make decisions and living together followed. I have always talked to them about stuff and they were supportive and v fond of him, but I think this was partly novelty, partly the fact that he was so in awe of being in a family and they could take the micky out of him in a good natured way. its when he bacame another adult with decision making power (limited) and stopped jsut being the fun guy that they started complaining. He has taken a lot on and I don't think I could have done it either. None of hte girls have bfs, or at least not that I know, they love the baby hugely and are great with him, but constantly think they know better than his dad (sometimes they do) I am just so exhaused with the whole situation and coping tonight with the first evening of doing it all, as he has gone to move stuff back to his flat and won't be back til later. off back home soon to face it all.
I do appreciate all the advice support

Just want to say thanks for all advice yesterday, couldn't get back on mn as needed to talk to kids. The upshot is that dp is moving out, I think that if I didn't have reservations myself about our relationship then I wouldn't be in such a quandry with the children's take on it, I would have felt comfortable explaining to them that he is staying put. We are going to stay together but not live together. So if anyone has any tips on how you suddenly make up a deficit on £1200 per month, then I would be v grateful for advice. Off jobhunting and looking for childcare for my poor ds. It has really struck me that the comments on this thread cut through the crap of my image of dp and made me face up to reality, maybe just needed to hear it. Cheers

Oh, sorry to hear that things have come to a head so quickly. I hope you can all still make things work and keep everyone happy...it's a tough call.

If you're now a single parent again could Tax Credits be applicable for you?

And tell the kids that seeing as their input had alot to do with things then you ar looking to them for economising suggestions and you will now have to be thrifty wth grocery shopping etc

i think your kids are mean and selfish. at 16, 17 and 20 - they will all be leadig their own lives soon enough and you will be left with the children who did like your partner - only no partner.

i think they a re selish - and even if you decide to split from your dh, i think you should tell your kids that they are mean and thoughtless of any ones happiness but their own.

we're going to try and stay as a couple, but obvioulsy there is a lot of hurt to heal. my younger kids are upset and confused, dp has taken the baby to visit his parents overnight, older dds are a clearly feeling awkward. I'm finding it so v v hard, oh shit now Im gonna start crying. should be off doing something wonderful as have no children home at mo but here I am.

Could you not just let hom move out for a little while to give your older kids time to get used to the fcat thst he will be living there again soon?

If you really love him and he has not done anything to frighten/bully/intimidate or upset your older children then it seems mightily unfair that he has been thrown out afetr trying so hard to 'take you on' as a package family so to speak....?