Huge problem for me (How much) should my teenagers have a say in my relationship?

[hesta]

will try to keep this short, I have a fecking huge problem with my dh and my kids. me and dh have nearly split up over this and other things, but we want to make another go at it, we have a child together and have lived together for over 2 years. I have 5 chldren from marriage the older ones (aged 16, 17 20) have said that they will leave home if we stay together, the younger ones ages 11 and 9 are fine and really like him. and obviously we have a young child together aged 20 mths. he can be a bit negative sometimes but he works v hard at trying to do the right thing and fitting in. I feel totally fucked now, if he stays they thteaten to go, if he goes I am left alone, with massive consequences, financial, support, love etc. how much of a say should they have. I cant bear the thought that they might feel that I have 'chosen' him over them. Help before I take to the drink in an effort to drown my sorrows (will have to wait till after the school run!)

Mo3, I just want to say thanks for sticking with this, it does help. The general idea is that we will stay together, and at the risk of sounding like a callous old bag, the older dds will prob be left home/independent within 2 years and maybe that will be a good time to live tog again. I really don't think Icould stand being piggy in the middle, and hearing them point out all his failing so regualrly makes it so hard for me to be positive abt him. We nearly split 8 wks ago due to a problem between us (not dds generated) and I have spent the last 8 wks trying to work out if we have something worth working at. I think we do and eventaully came to this conclusion only to be pole axed by their reponse. I think I'm so tired and almost bored of thinking abt it that any resolution is better than indecision. I do worry about the younger children tho. sorry I no I;m going round in circles.

I really don't envy your position - it's lovely being a mum most of the time but sometimes it really sucks doesn't it?

Also - don't forget that alot of teenagers regularly point out all the failings of their boilogical parenst not just their stepparents - they don't always have the choice of kicking them out though!

Good luck!

thanks. sometimes I think I really really (whispers) dislike my children. I know they were quite eloquent about the things they didn't like abt thier dad, but the difference is I think, that if you are 2 biological parents if your kids say 'dads really annoying me, he's such a git' or whatever, you can nod sagely and maybe even sympathise but not feel so bloody defensive. and vice versa I think, if dp ever says anthing abt the state of hte house the behaviour of the kids ect, my hackles immediatly rise to defend them. I think you lose that easy 'mmmm never mind' position when you introduce new dps. and I haven't handled it very well maybe. you sound like you had to really work at it, but it came right in the end?

custardo, sometimes I wish i could see it as clearly as you do. it would make life much easeir for me!

Oh Dear. It's so, so horrible, but I hope you're feeling better today. I think, although it's tough and the older children are by no means blameless, you have done the right thing to make the best of your relationship. While you have the space to look at it objectively with the children out of the picture, you will be far more able to see things clearly. Although they are selfish to do this to you, you are naturally still concerned about their feelings as any good mother would be. By taking dp out of the house, you are saving him and yourself from the extra pressure they can put on you and it isn't forever - you never know, they could find the prospect of losing you to work, tight budgeting...etc and seeing less of the baby too hard in reality.

I think you have to do your best to make it work now that the decision is made and prove to the children that your relationship is strong and that you can work through differences. I get the feeling that the extra financial burden on the household will make them realise that actions have consequences and will think twice next time.

Good luck. Have a good day. Look at the benefits (because there are some if you look at it closely enough)

Hugs

SM
x

Sorry that the pressure from your kids has led to your dp moving out.

If money is now going to be a real issue, I suggest that you tell them that all have to get jobs of some kind so that they can contribute to the household budget.

Don't know if they're at school/college, but think giving them some kind of financial responsibility will be important as well as helping to make them realise the full implications of what has happened.

Sorry - I meant the older three of course - not suggesting you send the little ones up the chimney or anything!

hi am feeling better today, nothing like a rare lie in to improve mood. Still feel v sad that its come to this, and it is so difficult to keep positive, but you're right I hope that by taking the pressure off, we really can make this work. the kids rather sheepishly sloped off to their dads last night, little ones always go on wed, big ones rarely, so I think there is a bit of avoidance going on! gave me some peace to do useful things like...drink wine and go on mn for as long as I like! I am going to have the money talk with them and am loving the idea of sending kids up chimneys!

serioulsy tho, I would like to ask you wise women, how do you work out fair financial 'contribution' from dp? without giving loads of boring details, in brief, we have re-mortgaged house together (in hindsight not a great thing to do) to help my eldest dd at uni, but also to pay off substantial debts of dp this was to improve our life and to allow me to stay at home (apart from a bit of work). Dp is willing to help obvioulsy but he's not responsible for the other kids, only in so far as us having a baby together has meant that i have stopped my career for now and can't support them alone even with money from ex (another story, its not enough to make a huge difference) should he pay more than the standard contribution for one child. we are still going to be a couple, but he will have expenses now in his own place. We have wrestled iwth this, and talking abt money seems to bring out the worst in both of us, resentment, ideas of fairness etc etc. He does want to do the right thing, but morally waht is the right thing, how do people work it out in this sort of situation.

sorry another long winded one. comments gratefully recieved and more info supplied in needed! x

there are two seperate issues hesta - he should pay normal maintenance towards his child, but he should also pay a proportion of the mortgage as he has benefitted from your loan.

thanks, that makes sense and cuts through all the emotional clap trap that we get caught up in. having vague fantasies of running away and leaving them all to sort it out for themselves. Sigh.

it must be tempting!!!

Just calculate how much your monthly payments increased by in total. Then work out the percentage that he took and ask him to pay the same percentage of the repayments...

I think thats a good idea, he's been away overnight visiting parents with dd, back soon. its probably been good to have a little while away to reflect. older dds being surprisingly helpful and sensitive.

am going to have a 'big talk' wiht them soon. will go something like this: can't afford to give you your allowances, pay your mobile phones, fund all dance classes, keep your car on the road, feed you, clothe you, house you,

ok ok maybe not the last 3 but they need to know there will be changes. I think they will rise to it, we've been here sort of before when their dad left and they were good about it then.

Well, they're old enough to understand and I guess they must have taken some of this into consideration when they asked for him to leave. I still think it was quite a severe reaction from them, but it's hard to comment more without knowing them and him.

I'm glad you ahve reached a compromise at the moment though.

it is a severe reaction, and with hindsight, and things that people have said here, its becoming clearer that some of it is a hangover from experiences in the past, they want me to be strong, independent, happy etc and feel like I can be the one to support and look after them financially.

it is a compromise, but I'm feeling more like now we can make it work, and it won't be forever they will be more independent in a very short time, in 18moths eldest dd finishes uni, dd2 goes to uni, dd3 plans to go off dancing for a living and prob will, and the little ones don't have a prob. am trying v v hard to see the positive adn make the bst of it.

also, dp has just put a lump sum of money in my account which should keep me going for a couple of months. he seems to be really doing his best to make this work too.