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Original poster

Feeling really down RE romantic failures, just looking for support?

29 replies

Lizzie523 · 03/02/2019 19:02

I'm suddenly just keeled over with this overwhelming sense of heaviness/sadness today.

To explain, my ex and I broke up about this time last year after Valentine's day. It came our of the blue for me, he cheated and went off with another woman. We'd been together 2 years.

Last year I dated a guy for 3 months who restored my confidence and we had some lovely times ( I fell for him), but ultimately I broke it off as his depression meant he was unable to commit and he said he's leaving the country soon (but wants to visit each other). BUT since breaking it off 2 months ago he's in touch all the time and we see each other often.

I thought I was doing well at the friends thing until today, when we went to the theatre together and we bumped into a girl he's been getting to know through a mutual friend. She clearly fancies him and he was a bit touchy feely with her like he was with me at the beginning. Finally she asked if he wanted to go for a drink and he declined, saying he was leaving with me.

Anyway...I just feel SO bloody miserable. That my last relationship didn't work out and that I met someone that I really care for but who is leaving soon and who I'm in some weird pseudo relationship with. I just turned 27 and I'm not getting any younger...I'm.just looking for advice/hopeful stories really.

OP posts:
bananaramaspyjamas · 03/02/2019 19:28

It's probably valentines day looming making you feel crap, I reckon you'll feel a bit better after that. I'd let the friend go, you broke up for a sensible reason. Maybe have a fresh start and go and join a new gym/club/hobby and get socialising. You're young and you'll meet someone else.

Loopytiles · 03/02/2019 19:31

Would stop spending time with the more recent ex - he wasn’t your friend to start off with and it won’t help you move on.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/02/2019 21:02

I think Valentine's day doesn't help. Last year my ex left me right after it. 2 of my main colleagues are in serious relationships and I often find overheating their conversations of perfect domesticity quite difficult...

Anyway I broke up wit my ex/friend but only because he wasn't pulling his weight. He is now.putting more effort into the friendship which doesn't make sense! It isn't very healthy but I would miss him terribly if I cut if off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/02/2019 21:05

The problem is I'm.also now at that age where lots of people are marrying/having babies and it's all over Instagram. I don't spend much time on social media but when I do it's a frequent reminder.

OP posts:
bananaramaspyjamas · 03/02/2019 21:57

But you said the ex/friend was depressed and leaving the country. I think you're only interested in him now as a distraction or out of a feeling you 'should' be with someone?
It's really hard with social media. Being older we didn't used to have this and so didn't have peoples weddings etc in our faces. But also being older, you realise a lot of them will end in divorce sadly. And as you say social media isnt like real life. In fact people put all sorts of shit and leave out all the bad bits. So you're wise to stay off it.
The anniversary of valentines is bound to be hard. It will get easier. Make some new friends or do something new, something you have always wanted to do for yourself
Flowers

KatDubs261 · 03/02/2019 22:03

Yes he is depressed AND leaving the country in a month. But he didn't tell me about his depression/hid it for 2 1/2 months, by which time I'd already fallen for him. It felt like the beginning of every serious relationship I've had, except it was cut short. I think we've both found that hard, hence not letting go. You may be right that he's at least partially a distraction.

I have been making an effort to do new things and see friends. I might book a trip to a new place, as I like to travel and the challenge might pull me out of a rut.

bananaramaspyjamas · 03/02/2019 22:09

That's a good idea OP. Make a plan to go somewhere you've always wanted to go. The ex/friend is not the guy for you imo. Don't waste energy thinking back over it or think every relationship is doomed, he might of just been your rebound.

Loopytiles · 03/02/2019 22:24

Comparison is the thief of joy! 27 is young.

If you want a relationship, spending even more time with your ex is a waste of your time.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/02/2019 22:45

Bananarama - I realise you're probably right that he's not the guy for me. Now I just need to convince my heart! He said it was the 'wrong time' when we broke it off and we had such fantastic chemistry. But his issues are serious and aren't going away anytime soon.

I've said I'll meet up with him once more before he leaves. The thing is he wants to visit each other long distance and I'm not sure about it right now. I feel I'll only start moving on properly when he actually leaves the country.

I'm sick of seeing happy successful couples when I've been through crab lately. Do you think it's better to date older?? My recent ex was 4 years younger.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 04/02/2019 08:06

IMO the problem is that you didn’t properly break off the relationship when it became clear that he was unsuitable.

You don’t need him to leave the country to move on: you can decide to do so anytime and stop seeing him. Why would you meet up once he’s gone? He isn’t an old friend, and you’re looking for a long term relationship, and for whatever reasons he’s not a good candidate!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 04/02/2019 08:15

BUT since breaking it off 2 months ago he's in touch all the time and we see each other often.

Stop doing this you are just making things much harder for yourself.

Just go cold turkey. He is not a lifelong pal just someone you dated for a few months.

ShatnersWig · 04/02/2019 08:16

"I'm 27 and not getting any younger"

Give your head a wobble OP. 27 is NOTHING. I'm almost 45 and been single approaching 9 years and haven't had a date in 7. I've got a friend who is approaching 42 and been single 11 years aside from three short-lived relationships of around 3 months.

Bubba1234 · 04/02/2019 08:22

The new guys seems to be using you don’t let him.
It’s like if you want to be with someone you have to be genuine and show them your true self on the first date no games just honesty.
I’m married now I met my partner on tinder and I was looking for something genuine but I didn’t think it was guna happen.
But I could have given up and just stayed home for the rest of my life not trying but I god know how I got the strength to try and meet someone but it’s just about being honest and trying trying trying.
Forget about exes what they did etc start off with a clean slate and leave all your fears and insecurities in the past cos if you bring them into every new guy it will ruin things.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 04/02/2019 10:30

Bubba - I think this is why I'm finding it so tough. I was 100% myself and we both opened up about a lot of things. Emotionally, I felt more connected with him than I have some exes after years because he was open with me.

Of course I thought breaking it off romantically but staying friends would make things easier when he finally left - but now that he IS leaving I still fairly devastated.

It took a lot to starting dating him 6 months after my serious relationship. How do people keep at it after each failure? I find it so hard to keep going as you put so much into it each time.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 04/02/2019 12:10

But he wasn’t open with you, he planned to leave the country and didn’t disclose that due to a MH issue he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.

Why do you regard the end of a relationship as a failure? Sure it’s sad to be dumped by someone we like or even love, or to realise that for whatever reason a long term relationship with the person is unlikely to be a sensible choice. But that’s not failure.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 04/02/2019 12:41

Actually he did disclose it - on the first date. But the chemistry/connection was so strong I wanted to see where it lead. The depression/MH issues didn't surface for 2 1/2 months which were like a fairy tale.

It feels like a failure when I see others making relationships work. Maybe I need to find another way to look at it.

OP posts:
bananaramaspyjamas · 04/02/2019 14:52

I would start by getting clear on this:

A persons worth DOES NOT depend on their relationship status.

Do you, enjoying life. Everything else will follow.

Don't try to shoehorn this ex who you have already broke up with into being your partner, just out of desperation. That wont end well. Cut him loose and socialise elsewhere.

Bubba1234 · 04/02/2019 15:21

I totally hear you it is so tough and I can relate totally and sympathize.
The way I could ask you to look at us by asking yourself the question:
Is my need to find a partner greater than my fear of getting hurt and putting myself out there?
If the answer is yes then keep looking keep online dating keep going out and about with your eyes peeled. If you give up now ( which I see a lot doing) then you are definitely not going to have a partner.
But if you don’t stop trying you will eventually get to that end point.
Also never settle.
I have a family member getting married this year to a guy she hasn’t got a good word to say about. In her words sure no one else is guna want me...
So try also to take other peoples relationships with a pinch of salt for some people it’s more of an arrangement than anything.
You focus on yourself 100 percent from now on and trust me you will find someone out there op xxx

velourvoyageur · 04/02/2019 17:39

Sounds like he's great at friendships, no issues with getting close platonically, but will struggle to form a romantic relationship with anyone regardless of how much he likes them. It's a bit irresponsible of him to start something with this new woman who really likes him if (outing myself as a lurker) he won't have sex with them, is working through very heavy childhood issues and is leaving anyway (though if he still has no date set then is he probably even leaving at all?). I'm sure he has many good points OP but this IS him, the good points plus the headfuck, and the ideal him in your head doesn't exist. Potential isn't worth sticking around for. If you knew for certain that he could never be emotionally available to you in a way that meets your (very reasonable) needs and if he could never commit fully, you would back off, I hope - so what if you just assume that you do know for certain? If you're honest, are you friends because you have a good platonic chemistry, or because you're waiting for him?

Also, if you carry on seeing him so much, it will be painful until you meet someone else, but then if you fall for that other person (and it will happen), I don't think he'll be able to adjust easily. If I may, I think he probably has some feelings for you but is so uncomfortable in a romantic context that he is much happier playing as 'just friends' where he can just enjoy spending time with you, feeling close but not too close, and without needing to properly deal with his feelings in a way that suits you too. If you then meet someone else who really is the full package I think he will get hurt. If you're happy to take the risk then obvs continue the friendship, but the underlying anxiety and what-if wouldn't be worth it for me.
Flowers you do sound lovely and I'm sorry you're hurting.

velourvoyageur · 04/02/2019 17:43

Not to be disrespectful or dismissive but you did seem to have a fair few doubts (judging by the number of threads you posted about him) during those couple of months so is it possible you have rose-tinted glasses on?

KatDubs261 · 04/02/2019 19:17

velourvoyageur - I'm glad you're a lurker aware of the situation! I agree I did have rose-tinted glasses on - they do hormones are going crazy in the beginning. I mean, a lot of the time it was like a fairytale but yes he was also cancelling plans due to anxiety attacks and growing distant when we got close.

I 100% agree with your read on things. I think he most likely does have feelings - when he doesn't hear from me for a few days he gets in touch & asks me to do things with him - like dates basically. He keeps giving me books to borrow, I'm sure so we have another excuse to meet up!

Also last time we saw each other he made it clear how much he values having me in his life Sad So I'm not sure what to do. Looking him in the eye and saying I think we should leave it would be very hard. I'd miss him, but I didn't start dating him to be his friend. So is that what I really want? At the same time he may not be capable of a relationship for yours but COULD turn out to be a good friend. I'm not sure what to do.

Loopytiles · 05/02/2019 07:16

Being “friends” with someone you have romantic feelings for rarely ends well.

You say your goal is a serious relationship: angst over an ex isn’t going to help you with that.

Hellywelly10 · 05/02/2019 07:28

You broke it off for a reason op. Spend time with other friends.

Walkacrossthesand · 05/02/2019 08:25

Rather than say 'may not be capable of a r'ship for years', why not reframe it as 'not capable of a r'ship' - so you are just friends (I presume you are no longer physical, so no handholding, kissing, sleeping together). As such, you are free to seek a proper partner and, if you get the balance right, you would not need to break off the friendship with current friend.

It's a tricky path to steer but Ive done it with a man who I thought could be more but didn't want to be - I enjoyed doing common interests with him so I gradually lowered my hopes and now he's just a friend without expectations! We were never physical though, and we're older - 60s.

Adversecamber22 · 05/02/2019 08:31

I wouldn’t be hanging about giving an ex an ego boost as a friend when he clearly knows you want more. I don’t view him as an actual friend to you at all.

He made it clear how much he values me in his life. Don’t look after his ego look after your own and stop letting it be crushed by him.