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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend of 6 years loves me but doesn’t fancy me

29 replies

SkiGal92 · 03/02/2019 13:13

My boyfriend of 6 years told me about a month ago that he still really loves me and wants to stay with me, but he doesn’t fancy me anymore, and to be honest, it has completely broken my heart. I am usually quite resilient, but I can’t stop crying every time I think about it. I have put on weight since we first started going out, I’m a size 14/16 now compared to a size 10 then. I used to be fairly confident and could see the good in myself, however since this happened my self esteem is rock bottom. He still wants to have sex, which confuses me, why would you want to have sex with someone you don’t fancy? I want to have sex too, but since he has said those things to me I feel too embarrassed to be vulnerable and naked with him, so I don’t want to have sex anymore. He knows how much what he said hurt me and says he regrets saying it and that he is sorry, and I can see he is being sincerely sorry but I know he was just being honest. I am going to the gym and eating healthy now to lose weight, and I know this will also be beneficial to me, but I can’t help but think it will take months and months to lose weight and for all those months I will keep feeling this way. Although, I know he watches prn and even with me losing weight don’t know how it will ever be possible for me to compete with the variety and volume of prn stars. I am so low and really just need to talk to someone, but don’t want to talk to friends and family and them to hate my boyfriend. He genuinely is the nicest guy, just seems to have got caught in that trap that so many men do, and compare their real-life girlfriend to these photoshopped instagram models and p*rnstars. Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

OP posts:
Tattybear16 · 03/02/2019 13:31

He’s not nice though is he, nice people don’t say things like that or behave in that way. I believe he’s just using you until something he likes or fancies more comes a long. He’s done a real number on you and your self confidence and esteem. You deserve to be loved and wanted by someone who really cares for you, not compete with other women or images to be the perfect woman for him. Get rid, and start living your life he’s not the one for you. So sorry at how he’s treated you when all you’ve done is love him. What a twat he is.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/02/2019 14:25

Those pictures are filtered to within an inch on their life so anyone who falls into that "trap" must be a complete moron.

I say get back to being a size 10....Then end it!

How you like me now arsehole??

SevenStones · 03/02/2019 14:33

He's horrible!

He doesn't fancy you but still wants sex. Yuk.

Get rid of him, cry some more, lose weight and stick two fingers up at him whilst you're doing it.

LemonTT · 03/02/2019 14:39

Without knowing him or the context in which he made the remarks it is hard to know what he meant by them. His intentions could be sinister, to make you lose confidence and vulnerable. Or, he could be well intentioned and thinks he is motivating you to lose weight. Either way the consequence is that you have lost your confidence and you are half heartedly trying to lose weight. Honestly you need to find your own confidence and your own motivation.

As to his feelings for you, he loves you, is able to have sex with you but doesn't fancy you. Not a contradiction, sex isn't necessarily dependent on attraction. But is it what you want from your partner ? The answer should be that it isn't. Tell him that, then act on it. What he is describing is attachment not real love. The fact he continues to use you for sex is despicable.

WasFatNowThin · 03/02/2019 14:48

My ex said the same to me, I lost the weight then left him.

CeeCee58 · 03/02/2019 15:07

Yeah, I wouldn’t be having sex with him unless I felt like it.

You aren’t just a hole for him to ejaculate. You have feelings and he needs to experience the full consequences of his actions and that includes the fact that you are turned off him.

Variousartists · 03/02/2019 15:58

Tell him, off you go then.

SwordofGryffindor · 03/02/2019 16:04

First of all.

The average size in the UK in the 16.
14/16 isn't as slim as a 10 but you are still slim and have curves in all the right places ;) :)

I am sure you are stunning.

Don't stay with anyone who doesn't think you're a goddess.

SwordofGryffindor · 03/02/2019 16:05

And hun. Don't you dare lose weight for some guy!!!!!!!!!! Kick him to the curb !

OrcinusOrca · 03/02/2019 16:13

Are you sure he hasn't just phrased it badly?

My DH doesn't give me butterflies and I love him. Do I fancy him? I don't know. I don't feel all lustful but I am attracted to him both his personality and physically. It's definitely different to earlier in the relationship (been together seven years).

Elenajc86 · 03/02/2019 16:31

God if every woman compared herself to pornstar none of us would take our clothes off! No one can compete with that! And unless he looks like Tom Hardy he would never a million years get a pornstar/model.

What a awful thing to hear I really sympathise. If I were you I’d get working on yourself so you can feel good in your skin, get yourself to the gym and get eating healthy, yeah you won’t see results straight away it takes months of hard work but it can be done and it’s so worth it. It will build your confidence. He’ll be grovelling then.

Orange6904 · 03/02/2019 16:39

I agree with the other poster, could he talk to you again. does he mean butterflies or something else? Long term relationships take work and the lust does fizzle down eventually. Some people always want that and will leave for the first person that shows them attention.

What if you lose weight and there is something else though? Love is a bit more than that. Not saying it's not good to communicate and look good for each other but it should be based on more than that. What if you get ill?

Orange6904 · 03/02/2019 16:41

Also bloody instagram. They take hours picking the perfect photo, then the filters, then the cropping. It's a load of trickery. I'm surprised half the people on there have time to do anything else in the day.

MsDogLady · 03/02/2019 17:27

@SkiGal, he is not a nice man. I would not stay with him for another second.

That was a cold, manipulative thing to say, designed to humiliate you into transforming yourself into his fantasy. He feels entitled to sexually objectify you.

Please don’t degrade yourself by doing the Pick Me Dance with porn stars and Instagram models.

I wouldn’t be excusing him by saying ”he just seems to have got caught in the trap that so many men do” in comparing their partners to pornstars and models.

Some men who say “I love you, but don’t fancy you” are creating distance and are cheating/about to cheat.

MsDogLady · 03/02/2019 17:45

Should have said, ‘Some men and women...’

RiversDisguise · 03/02/2019 19:01

Did he come out and say that, or was he answering a series of trick questions from you?

BumbleBeee69 · 03/02/2019 19:07

I'm so so sorry OP, he has really hurt you, I just wanted to say that you don't have to stay with someone who makes you feel so low about yourself my lovely. Flowers

ScreamingValenta · 03/02/2019 19:13

The only weight you should worry about losing is the deadweight that is your boyfriend.

Gardenhappy4 · 03/02/2019 19:28

Oh for goodness sake some of these replies...

Anyway OP if he generally is a great guy all round, I don't think he's putting you up against these Instagram models etc.

You've been together six years, it happens. You love your partner but that butterfly feeling another mentioned isn't the same as it is in the beginning, I'm sure you know that. I don't believe he meant to hurt you but it doesn't feel nice to hear something like that. It does make you feel quite useless.

As for sex, of course he wants it, he's not said you turn him off or repulse him.

Six years in, you're both very familiar with each other.

If you want to lose weight then make sure you're doing for the right reasons. For you.

Josuk · 03/02/2019 19:39

OP - I am sorry you are so down. And it’s not a good place to be...

I don’t think he compares you to the porn stars...
Personally, I think it’s more about the weight gain...Sorry to day.

Average size in the UK may be 16, however - when he met you and got attracted to you - you were a size 10. And attraction is a physical thing and we can’t control it.
It is a significant gain and you look very different to the woman met.

While some variation of weight is understandable, we all have a limit beyond which it starts affecting how we see the other person.
So - he was just being honest. Would you like it that he’d be lying to you about something like this?

Good news is that he loves you and you are working on your gain.
Even if not for him - you’ll feel better if you do it for yourself. And healthier at that.
And weight loss will give you more confidence as well....:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/02/2019 19:40

My DH doesn't give me butterflies and I love him. Do I fancy him? I don't know. I don't feel all lustful but I am attracted to him both his personality and physically.

Same here.

I don't like the fact that you're feeling so low. Has your bf contributed to that (apart from the recent crass comment), or is there something else behind it? Weight gain can be a symptom of depression.

Whatever happens, OP, getting out there and exercising will be positive for you. A visit to the GP to check your thyroid and talk over any reasons why you've gained weight might be an idea as well.

Original poster
SkiGal92 · 03/02/2019 21:37

Thanks for all of your replies. I know weight is such a sensitive subject, but I honestly think it was said with good intentions. Had lots of tears today reading some of your replies. :(

@Gardenhappy4 He honestly is the best boyfriend ever, minus this hiccup. He supports me in everything I do, looks after and respects me. My entire family adore him and so do all of my friends. They say we have the “perfect relationship” (ha i guess not is all that it seems!) @Josuk We have always been open and honest in our relationship, which is what I would prefer, it’s just that this piece of honesty hurt so much.. Perhaps because it was something I was trying to deny to myself for so long. He hasn’t forced sex on me or anything, when I said I wasn’t feeling up to it, because of how i was feeling, he said he understood and just hugged me instead. He has been understanding through this and is trying to make me feel better, unfortunately it just doesn’t go away no matter how nice someone is to you. :( He knows he has hurt me and is sorry for that and is giving me the time I need. @OrcinusOrca yeah that’s kind of the way I feel, but I just don’t think I would have said it the way he did. I don’t think he’s all that good at thinking before he speaks.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 I have had my thyroid checked by GP and they say all is normal. Majority of the weight went on when I got the implant contraception after uni and then started a desk job so it just has stayed since then. I was pretty sporty through school and uni so have always enjoyed exercise, and i actually am really enjoying going back to the gym, and my bf has been coming with me. I do want to get fit for myself, and for my own self confidence. I hate the way I think about myself right now.

Things aren’t great in family life, my brother is an alcoholic and depressed and has tried to kill himself numerous times, and my little sister has bulimia (I guess another reason why I am so sensitive about weight). According to my parents I am the one they “aren’t worrying about” (again ha!). I have been trying to help my siblings get better so much with little success and I know this is taking a toll on my mental health, I just don’t want to put something else on my parents plate. We used to be such a close family.

Anyway sorry for the huge sob story and again thanks for taking the time to reply everyone, it has been of some help one way or another. Biscuit

OP posts:
Variousartists · 03/02/2019 21:40

So why doesn’t he want to end the relationship? Are you both supposed to carry on as if he didn’t say it?

PixiKitKat · 03/02/2019 21:56

It seems a guy can't say anything with being lynched here by some!

My partner said a similar thing to me. I've gained about 3 stone since we met and as I'm quite short, it's noticeable. We were arguing about something and it came out that he thought I was more attractive before or something. I can't remember the words. I cried, he felt like an ass. But he was right. He was being honest, and I appreciated how hard that must have been for him to say something. He could have just met someone else but he was honest.
I'm trying to lose weight but it's tough. I know he loves me as I am and is attracted to me. He was just saying he wouldn't want me to get any bigger. Which I think is fair, I equally wouldn't fancy him so much if he got fat.

MsDogLady · 03/02/2019 22:16

The OP said that her partner seems to be comparing her to porn stars and models. She said that she doesn’t know how she can “compete” with porn stars even if she loses weight. She said that she feels too vulnerable and embarrassed to have sex. A terrible way to feel.