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Original poster

Was he playing me?

36 replies

toffeeapple123 · 02/02/2019 19:46

I was seeing a guy last year.

I'll leave out a lot of the detail, just want your thoughts on this particularly:

He's early-mid 30s, never had a girlfriend, but lots of one night stands/flings. He said he's never been able to get the women he's wanted and hadn't been with a women for longer than 2-3 months. He told me he wasn't looking for something serious. And I was initially fine with that. But when I mentioned I was dating others, he wasn't happy and said we should be exclusive and give things a go. We tried to. But he would always act out. Every 6 weeks or so, he would find a reason to break things off. Firstly, it was his career - he wouldn't be able to start a family for me until later in life. Other times we weren't compatible. It was always something. Sometimes it was me. He'd always come running back though. He acted like he didn't want me, yet couldn't let me go. He would even cry. He'd say he was inexperienced, didn't know how to behave, it's him, not me, etc.

In the end, I blocked him (but he did have other channels to contact me if he really wanted to).

Was he genuinely just messed up - he did have mental health issues - or playing me?

OP posts:
AlsoBling2 · 02/02/2019 20:01

It doesn't matter. The relationship wasn't working and you are not obliged to put up with shitty behaviour just because he might have mh issues.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 02/02/2019 21:30

Anyone else?

OP posts:
flumpybear · 02/02/2019 21:34

He's a waste of space in your life - if he wanted you he'd be trying to do positive things not negative

Find a good bloke ... there are some out there, honestly ... don't compromise you'll never find happiness

Boysandbuses · 02/02/2019 21:35

Why are bothered if it was a mentel health issue or not?

Sounds like he didn't really want a serious relationship with you, but didn't want anyone else to have you.

Whatever the reason, he needs you about. End of.

Also, I don't mean to be a dick but it's really rude to ignore someone's comments and just ask if anyone else has a comment.

Renarde1975 · 02/02/2019 21:35

Yeah...a silly fuckwit.

He did play you OP but he'll play everyone else too. A silly silly boi.

Now, do the right thing and block him completely.

Treacletoots · 02/02/2019 21:38

Raise your standards!!! And stop giving head space to someone who treats you like shit.

It's human nature to want what we can't have but you can learn to stop this nonsense and only date people who treat you with respect. If they put a foot out of line it's an immediate "off you fuck" from me

Trevorwhatever · 02/02/2019 21:38

I agree that it really doesn’t matter if he was playing you or not. It sounds like too much drama and you’re better off out of it. If he’s bailed on you several times already and you’ve then taken him back there is no reason for him to change. He knows he can come and go as he pleases as you’ll excuse it as him having mh issues.

JennyHolzersGhost · 02/02/2019 21:39

Waste of time wondering what the fuck was up with him. Move on and don’t look back. He’s a headfuck.

FlyingMonkeys · 02/02/2019 21:40

Waste of time and energy. You've blocked him now don't backtrack thinking you can change his behaviour. You can't

goldengummybear · 02/02/2019 21:41

It doesn't matter so don't waste headspace on him. His behaviour explains why he doesn't have girlfriends.

youaremyrain · 02/02/2019 21:52

Sometimes men who've never "settled down" can hold a certain appeal, there's no ex fiancé or wife to compete with. Also it's exciting to think that you could be "the one" for them! If you love them enough and use your wisdom and experience to guide them then you can show them how to love and have a successful and loving relationship etc

Our egos can get drawn in, we imagine the feeling of success if they choose us to be their significant other. It feels like a challenge.

I've fallen for it before. That was before I realised that men who have only had a series of short "flings" over an unusually long period of time are in that situation for a reason; they either can't commit, don't really want a long term relationship, or haven't got the skills/lifestyle etc to sustain one.

A much better bet is someone who has a track record of commitment and long term relationship(s)

Think of it as a job application, would you choose the candidate with 30+ previous jobs that lasted a few months or 2/3 previous jobs that lasted years? Would you believe that they had never found the right job before but that this time they were sure that this was the perfect one for them?!?!

Previous behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour

LordNibbler · 02/02/2019 21:57

He didn't want you, but neither did he want anyone else to have you.
It's no good sitting down trying to figure why he is like he is. Accept how he is and that more than likely he will never change. Move on, there are a lot of men out there without these complications who will make you much happier.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 02/02/2019 22:07

Boysandbuses Not that i need to justify myself to you for 'educating' me on how to use Mumsnet on my thread, but I was bumping the post for other comments. I wasn't ignoring the previous poster.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 02/02/2019 22:10

Stop trying to find ‘a reason’ for shitty behaviour.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 02/02/2019 22:11

Thanks all for your useful comments. I just wanted some objective thoughts.

I don't mean to drip feed, but he was also emotionally abusive, and borded on physical abuse as well. He would belittle me, would say he didn't understand why men would look at me so much, he'd always be angry about something etc. And yet right now I am missing him. We ended half a year ago, so it's not a fresh break up. I think this is delayed grief or something.

I wonder if he will ever have a girlfriend one day. Maybe it was just me who he didn't want? He's only just got his first job, maybe he'll change and have the confidence to be with someone. Or does someone like him not change?

OP posts:
1Redacted1 · 02/02/2019 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 02/02/2019 22:25

1Redacted1 I'm not seeking a reason. I wanted to know if he was playing me, or as he said was it due to his mental health problems and lack of experience with women.

And now I am wondering whether he will be like this with every woman, or was it just with me. It's a normal thought to have post break up. We all have these thoughts and this is why this forum exists for support.

If you find it ridiculous, please just move on and don't post.

OP posts:
youaremyrain · 02/02/2019 22:36

What does it matter if you brought out the worst or best in him? You weren't a good match, be relieved it's over

You might benefit from looking into codependency or doing the freedom programme as it sounds like you are pining after a very unhealthy dynamic which must have met some emotional need of yours on some level

1Redacted1 · 02/02/2019 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 02/02/2019 22:44

youaremyrain I am relieved and have been. It wasn't pleasant. Just having a bit of a lonely and sad moment this evening, that's all.

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 02/02/2019 22:48

I don’t think he was playing you. I think he has commitment issues and after your last post, he was abusive and you really have dodged a bullet.

CaptainJaneway62 · 02/02/2019 22:52

@toffeeapple123

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That"? If not then it's definitely worth reading.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 02/02/2019 22:58

ImNotKitten As a commitment phobe, I read many books on the issue and identified many of the behaviours in him. It explained the cyclical break up/make up. And I could handle that to a certain degree because I understood it. But the abuse just made it unbearable. I doubted myself and my self esteem was ruined. It was hideous.

OP posts:
Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 02/02/2019 22:58

CaptainJaneway62 Yes it was very good and an eye opener.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 03/02/2019 06:11

I mean this kindly, but I think you should spend your time thinking about why you tolerated his behaviour for any length of time at all, rather than on why he acted the way he did.

It also doesn’t matter what he does to the next person. But it matters a whole lot what you do in your next relationship.

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