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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic friendship

39 replies

Frogqueen13 · 02/02/2019 17:38

Background;

So I have a friend... we shall call her emma, me and her met through a mutual friend, she has 4 kids by 3 days, 2 girls and 2 boys. She is with a man who is a complete tool.

So this friendship is becoming a bit overwhelming, we got close when 2 of our children had a joint medical problem, she doesn't appear to have any other close friends. No local family. She doesn't get on well with the ex partners

Problem: she calls/texts every 20 mins or so, if I don't answer she arrives at my house- and lets herself in- or my mums or at my children's activities. If I am late for the school run she rings me, my husband, my mum until someone answers (literally like 2 mins late)

Shes booked her child's appointments the same time as ours, our kids don't get on well at all. This makes it really stressful.

The final straw was Friday I was picking up my child and one of there class friends. Emma knew this... i was at a meeting at the school and had to walk round to a different entrance to get the kids. When I got there the kids had gone. The teacher had sent them with emma. I had no idea where they were. I walked to where she parks and the kids were thankfully there.

Its all just becoming to much and I don't know how to handle it.

OP posts:
fc301 · 02/02/2019 18:29

Well I think we can see why she has no other friends, she sounds nuts.
You can blank her or you can explain calmly that her behaviour is intrusive, overwhelming & inappropriate. There is absolutely no reason why you should continue to tolerate this.
And I would be telling the school that was unacceptable.

loveyoutothemoon · 02/02/2019 18:33

Have you ever said anything to her or hinted about her behaviour?

I would say something, if it doesn't improve, keep away from her.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2019 18:33

Does she have a key? Why?

MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 18:34

You must get shot of her immediately, this is your house, your kids, your life and your right. She’s overbearing as hell and needy as hell, 2 traits in a person that don’t go well. I once had a friend that was pretty similar and I ended up screaming at her in an argument and bluntly told her that she was doing my head in and that I no longer wanted to be mates with her, it worked and we’re not mates.

She may apologise though and say that she didn’t realise she was being this way but accept the apology but just say I think it’s best if you are just civil to each other and leave it there, you have to be cruel to be kind.

I have a strict policy on visitors, I must say that it’s okay for them to come to mines, if I don’t then don’t come, none of this ‘just passing’ crap!

user1493413286 · 02/02/2019 18:40

Have you spoken to her? Said the contact is too much and she shouldn’t let herself into your house?
The taking the children thing was silly but I guess she might have thought she was being helpful and if I thought someone was my friend I’d book appointments at the same time for the company.
Not sure why you mentioned that she had 4 kids by 3 different dads....

poglets · 02/02/2019 19:14

Why does she have a key?

Original poster
Frogqueen13 · 02/02/2019 19:48

I only mentioned the dads thing as she has multiple relationships with friends and partners that have all broken down.

She doesnt have a key but if my eldest child is playing out (he is 11) then the door is unlocked and she just strolls in.

Last night was my first night without any children in a year and at 9 i had 3 missed calls, 2 texts and she was on my door step.

I have tried to just back off a bit... making hints such as ohh cant wait to snuggle up on the sofa tonight... just me and the kids. But she doesnt get it. Or she will turn up with 'snacks' for me and the kids.

Im going to have to talk to her

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogqueen13 · 02/02/2019 19:49

I spoke to school too... they wont let the kids out to her again apparently

OP posts:
MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 19:53

Hints are no good with these types of people, an assertive chat from you is necessary, get rid of her. I wouldn’t bother giving her another chance because she may change her behaviour, but in time she’ll be back to normal.

MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 19:54

She sounds so damn needy and these types of friends are the worst, I can’t stand them.

Original poster
Frogqueen13 · 02/02/2019 19:57

I completely agree. Shes made me feel so insecure. It needs to stop, apparently i dress to old (currently in legging, converse and a long jumper) that i dont give my kids enough sweets (ones diabetic) she has also started messaging my husband... just saying how r u etc. But I feel like I have nothing of my own. Shes taking over everything.

OP posts:
MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 20:01

She puts you down as well? She’s perhaps jealous of you too, Christ I want to get rid of her for you! Do it ASAP and face to face, show her that you mean business.

Original poster
Frogqueen13 · 02/02/2019 20:08

@MinniesMum1606 i wish you were here too.

I am so bad with confrontation

OP posts:
MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 20:12

So am I but when I’m angry then I’m far better at it, why don’t you write a list of all the shitty things that she has done and read them over and over again so that you get angrier and angrier and then you’ll be geared up to do this, take her by surprise and just drop in on her and then say everything, don’t give her a chance to say ‘but it’s because of this/that/and the next thing’, say your piece and say that the friendship is over between you’s and that’s that, you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.

If you have kids that play over at hers at anytime then put a stop to that too, let your kids play at school only, say hello to her when you next see her but don’t say anything else.

LovingLola · 02/02/2019 20:12

So how does your husband respond to her messages ???

Original poster
Frogqueen13 · 02/02/2019 20:14

@LovingLola he is shows me and says like FFS shes messaged me again and then he ignores it

Good idea. @MinniesMum1606

I can do this

OP posts:
MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 20:14

Yes LovingLola because he needs to tell her the same thing as you FrogQueen13, you need to put a united front on.

MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 20:16

Tell your hubby to block her, and you should too.

Of course you can do it and you’ll feel relieved when you do, get it into your head that she’s crossing major boundaries here and interfering in your life, what about the day she made you panic that your kids were gone from the school, how bloody dare she!

MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 20:17

Sorry just reread that your kids don’t get on which makes it even easier.

LovingLola · 02/02/2019 20:22

Why do you put up with this shit ??
There is being non-confrontational and then there is being a complete pushover ..

Original poster
Frogqueen13 · 02/02/2019 20:34

@LovingLola because I am a complete pushover.

Im gonna do this. Its gonna be fine

After a large wine. 😂

But seriously I need to get a grip. I am an adult at the end of the day

OP posts:
MinniesMum1606 · 02/02/2019 20:36

Of course you can do it, she’s an idiot and it’s no wonder she has no friends, I bet your not the first to get rid of her and I doubt you’ll be the last.

Please make that list ASAP, and memorise it.

Qcng · 02/02/2019 20:42

I hope you have other friends you can lean of if she turns nasty.
Confide in someone.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 02/02/2019 20:43

You need to phrase it so she knows it’s how feel. You can%’t argue against people’s feeling. And go in on the attack.Yes to channelling the angry.

“I was really worried when the kids weren’t they should have been. Why would you do that.”
“I feel like the constant phone calls and texts are intrusive”
“It’s really unsettling when you walk in the house without knocking”
But I would use Friday as the reason the friendship has to end. Good luck.

MinniesMum1606 · 09/02/2019 23:26

@FrogQueen13 I’m curious to see if you told your annoying ‘friend’ to GTF yet? and if so then please tell us the juicy details?

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