Mother not coming to wedding-strained relationship/lack of with parent with BPD-opinions and perspective sought please

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I am so angry and upset right now and I know I am not being completely reasonable but perspective and a little comfort even would be so much appreciated.

My partner and I ended up agreeing to get married 'fairly' last minute, we booked the venue just under a year before the date and told all our family of the date immediately. I live in a different part of the UK to most of my family but it is only around an hour's flight/7 hour drive.

My mother works around 15 hours in a week in retail and would need two days off work for this (two 4-5 hour shifts). She said at the time she would ask straight away about getting the time off.

My mum and I have a very strained relationship. This is largely due to childhood trauma which I have had CBT for. She has bipolar disorder and for most of my childhood refused to take medication. She was extremely neglectful to us as children e.g. leaving us alone in the house whilst she was an inpatient in psychiatric care, not washing our clothes, refusing to treat headlice, rarely cooking us meals, being very emotionally abusive and at times physically so etc. etc.

I choose now to keep my distance from her but will text her occasionally and on the very odd occasion phone her. Actually as I write this I question why I actually ever wanted her at my wedding? To be honest more than anything it's to please my partner who is a big family guy and it was really important that all of our families are there for our big day.

I know now at least my decision over a decade ago to move out and then eventually move far away from her was the best decision I've ever made as my life is so much fuller for her not being in it.

I guess I felt like she could do this one tiny little thing for me to celebrate our wedding. What do you all think?

xx

@Who OP cares because shes concerned. She doesnt want to be perceived as being cruel. Only one mum etc....

Suprised that you cant see it, tbh...

@whocansay I shouldn't care but I think people with healthy relationships with their families would find it hard to understand why she wasn't there. And as @renarde1975 says would believe it may be due to me not inviting her or preventing her from coming in some way. Maybe they wouldn't believe that any sane mother would not be present at their daughter's wedding.
xx

Hey OP, its fine to say you do care about others opinions, just do your own thing. Your friends will understand.

You know, I never met my FIL. It was only a few months before he died in 2014 that I even messaged him. (This was about at the 14 year stage or so).

His words to me were bizarre. He referred to his own son as my 'mate' rather than the usual my son or partner. A aresewipe of a cunt. Abused his own family. Pathetic.

He was at almost imbelic levels of cognitive funtion. Drove one of his DPs to suicide. His ex wife, my MIL, was just as bad. But far more subtle. Women often are...

@Renarde1975

Thank you, you're right they will understand. And if they don't understand I don't need them to, they can just accept that it is the way it is and is none of their business.

It's a strange coincidence what you say about your FIL as my future FIL won't be at the wedding either, also due to strange, detached and manipulative behaviour. Your FIL sounds absolutely terrible, driving one of his DPs to suicide...the thought of that makes me sick.

I just need to try and focus on our own future and happiness

Yes OP. Know we are all rooting for you lovely!

The 'why is FIL not going to be there' was endlessly debated in my bridesmaids group. None of us could get a handle on it. It was bizarre.

Obvioulsly my ex-Hs choice. We understood and respected that. What we struggled to comprehend was ex-Hs reaction. He knew he didn't want his F there but coudnt articulate a really empathic response as to why beyond 'I just dont want him there'.

Speaks volumes that does.

Ive unfortunately tangled with the lessers. Their fury is really quite something. Its because they have little to no control over it. It spills over.

My exs FIL must have pushed his wife (ex mistress) to the edge and beyond. Poor woman. I believe she had at least one child

@Renarde1975

Awww, thank you

Yeah I know OP. I was very fortunate in that I never physically met him and only ever had a handful of facebook messages between us.

My ex-MIL on the other hand. In the very beginning she appeared to be lovely. As time went on though, her behaviour became increasingly odd. This culminated in her own DD disclosing that one day when she was about thirteen, she had found her Mum in bed with the next door neighbour. They never ever spoke about what she had seen.

What's significant about this is that the family narrative always had it that FIL cheated first with the poor woman. He DIDN'T, she did and lied about it for decades. FIL cheats in order to extract revenge. Then in a display of monumental hypocrisy that only narcs can do, she shifts ALL of the blame onto him then starts referrring to FIL to her own children as the sperm donor. She did that in front of me once and I almost fell through the floor in shock. yes, FIL was bad but he was still the kids father. A woman who when the split happened used to tell her own son to 'be the man of the house' and berate him for crying.

A monumentally wicked woman. Don't get me wrong, I loathe my ex for the way he abused me but I did weep for that little boy being told to 'grow up and be a man' and such a traumatic time.

If she hadn't had abused him in that way - numerous times - what would he be like today? I hope personally, she rots in hell.

My bio. mother had severe BPD and wouldnt cooperate with treatment.

When we were considering invites I thought it over for months, her and my father.

In the end I asked myself if I'd regret not inviting them when I looked back in 15 years' time and the answer was No, I wouldn't regret it. That helped make the decision clear.

It's eight years on now and it was most definitely the right decision.

Hold to your guns and maybe toss a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Foward to your fiancé. Hope that you have a lovely and joyous day :)