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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother not coming to wedding-strained relationship/lack of with parent with BPD-opinions and perspective sought please

33 replies

lnfb · 02/02/2019 12:20

I am so angry and upset right now and I know I am not being completely reasonable but perspective and a little comfort even would be so much appreciated.

My partner and I ended up agreeing to get married 'fairly' last minute, we booked the venue just under a year before the date and told all our family of the date immediately. I live in a different part of the UK to most of my family but it is only around an hour's flight/7 hour drive.

My mother works around 15 hours in a week in retail and would need two days off work for this (two 4-5 hour shifts). She said at the time she would ask straight away about getting the time off.

My mum and I have a very strained relationship. This is largely due to childhood trauma which I have had CBT for. She has bipolar disorder and for most of my childhood refused to take medication. She was extremely neglectful to us as children e.g. leaving us alone in the house whilst she was an inpatient in psychiatric care, not washing our clothes, refusing to treat headlice, rarely cooking us meals, being very emotionally abusive and at times physically so etc. etc.

I choose now to keep my distance from her but will text her occasionally and on the very odd occasion phone her. Actually as I write this I question why I actually ever wanted her at my wedding? To be honest more than anything it's to please my partner who is a big family guy and it was really important that all of our families are there for our big day.

I know now at least my decision over a decade ago to move out and then eventually move far away from her was the best decision I've ever made as my life is so much fuller for her not being in it.

I guess I felt like she could do this one tiny little thing for me to celebrate our wedding. What do you all think?

xx

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 02/02/2019 12:28

I think your dp should be listening to you more in regard to your dm.
Big family day should not mean more to him than your wishes.
Fwiw I married more than once and dm wasn't invited to any of them.
No regrets.

Original poster
lnfb · 02/02/2019 13:07

@aprilshowersarecomingsoon

This is all true, I guess more than anything I want to please him.
I would actually be happier if she wasn't there on the day if I try and think clearly...

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2019 13:45

How much is he aware of your childhood with your disordered mother and how she has been towards you?. He needs to know. I am not at all surprised that the level of contact is confined to texts and the occasional phone call.

It’s not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her that way.

Singlenotsingle · 02/02/2019 13:49

I think it's best if she's not there. Have the invitations gone out yet?

Original poster
lnfb · 02/02/2019 13:52

@AttillaTheMeerkat He is aware of some of the extent but not the full extent of the neglect as it's embarrassing to admit that she let us go to school unwashed and with headlice etc. etc.

@Singlenotsingle
They have recently gone out and she has received a joint invitation with my brother

The more I think about it, the more I realise that this is a blessing in disguise! xx

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 02/02/2019 14:43

Yep. Be glad she isn’t coming and enjoy your day.

I had mine at my wedding. My family shielded me from her but there was still some anxiety.

You should enjoy your day. And if her not being there will do that, don’t insist she come.

My dh didn’t get it, but he supported me. That’s what your needs to do now. Support you to have your day to celebrate.

It is very hard for people from loving families to get it, but he still needs to support you.

Aussiebean · 02/02/2019 14:43

Congratulations by the way

Giesabreak · 02/02/2019 14:51

What's actually happened? Has she just told you now that she can't come? Did she not request the time off?

HollowTalk · 02/02/2019 14:56

I think it's best she doesn't come. She treated you really badly and she doesn't deserve to be there at your wedding. I hope you have a lovely day - I'm sure it'll be much nicer without her there.

Original poster
lnfb · 02/02/2019 16:57

@Giesabreak She told me today that she's not got the weekend off work, because she didn't bother giving notice that she needed the annual leave

@Aussiebean
@Hollowtalk
I think you're both right. I think it's just hard as I worry what others think with my mum not being there for my big day. As you say @Aussiebean it's very very hard for people with loving families to understand how I feel. The few people that have found out about some of the things she has done have made excuses like 'but she's your mum'. I just wish she would act like one should xx

OP posts:
MumUnderTheMoon · 02/02/2019 18:41

Why should you please him at the expense of your own happiness. Your mother not being at your wedding won't ruin his day but her attending might ruin yours.

Whocansay · 02/02/2019 18:52

I wouldn't even give this head space. It's a bollocks excuse (surely her employer would let her take the time off for her DD's wedding?!?!?). I think she wants you to chase her and create a bit of drama. I would ignore it altogether and concentrate on the people that love you.

I am NC with 2 sisters and get a lot of 'but they're your sisters!' crap from well meaning friends. I smile and nod. They don't understand.

Is your Fiance really that bothered, or does he think that you will be upset if she isn't there? What has he said?

poglets · 02/02/2019 19:08

I didn't have my own family at my wedding. My childhood sounds similar to yours. I do not regret it.

I must urge you to stand up for yourself with your partner. This is not about him, it's about you. You and your happiness.

Original poster
lnfb · 02/02/2019 19:16

@Mumunderthemoon This is very, very true and the way I should look at it!

@Whocansay This is exactly my point. If she wanted to be there, she could be there. End of. She is just using this really piss poor excuse. My fiance just wants me to be happy but I think he worries if we excluded her that I would regret and be upset. But I honestly think that I wouldn't regret it or be upset. I can understand his perspective though

@poglets I really appreciate your input, coming from a similar background. What you said rings so true, I know that if she's there it will make me anxious and impact my happiness.

OP posts:
MumUnderTheMoon · 02/02/2019 22:15

I know it's probably easier said than done. It seems to me that women are encouraged so much to think of the happiness of the people around them that they sacrifice their own. It's just how we're raised. In your case it isn't wrong or selfish or strange to not want your mother at the happiest day of your life if it takes even a tiny piece of your happiness away.

bastardkitty · 02/02/2019 22:21

You're not excluding her. Your fiancé needs to get himself clued up and stop putting his own social preferences ahead of your emotional well-being. It is hard though for people who have no experience of neglect or abuse. You need to start thinking more about what will work for you because you deserve a really happy day to start your married life.

Original poster
lnfb · 02/02/2019 22:33

Very much agree that I worry too much about other's happiness and what they think over what I want and my happiness!

I agree in that it is a struggle for people who have good childhoods and not experienced abuse or neglect to understand how it stays with you forever. Therapy helped a bit but sometimes I just feel my mind consumed by panic and dread over the trauma.

OP posts:
CaptainJaneway62 · 02/02/2019 23:42

I agree in that it is a struggle for people who have good childhoods and not experienced abuse or neglect to understand how it stays with you forever. Therapy helped a bit but sometimes I just feel my mind consumed by panic and dread over the trauma.

I totally understand this @Infb

You are right not to want her there and don't let the thoughts of her consume you.
It is so difficult to even think about putting your own emotional well being first when you have had such a traumatic upbringing....
It can take years to start to think that you have a right to a happy life that does not include her in it.
Have a happy wedding day with people around you who truly appreciate you Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2019 00:16

You've done what you needed to do - you invited her. She doesn't want to come. That's fine. End of story.

Tattybear16 · 03/02/2019 01:36

Congratulations and enjoy your wedding, you don’t need her there on your special day. It’s a a blessing in disguise.

Original poster
lnfb · 03/02/2019 06:31

Definitely feel often that I still don't deserve to be happy. But getting there little by little.

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 03/02/2019 08:35

If anyone asks all you have to say is ‘she couldn’t get the time off work. Thank you so much for coming, did you like the flowers/dessert/view’

Have you seen the Statley Homes thread? That May help you with processing it all. At the very least, it will help you realise that you are not the only one with an awful mother.

You need to get your fiancé to understand that while he may not get it, he needs to support and trust that you are doing the best for you and your happiness. My dh has always supported me but it has only been the last few months that he has begun to understand. Mostly because he has a friend who has a horrible mother and she is really struggling with the guilt trips. He has read the messages the mother has sent and witness the pain there. With me, I did a lot of the breaking away before we got together, so he missed it. He gets it more now and is grateful that she is not in our lives. Although he will never truly understand it. That’s why the stately homes thread was so good for me.

Also, I have stopped the whole ‘it’s your mum, you only have one’ bs. I got it a lot when I was still enmeshed in the FOG. I didn’t want to say how bad she was through some screwed idea of loyalty. Now I am a matter a fact. ‘My mother is a horrible woman and I don’t have much to do with her’ ‘your mother must be so excited about your new baby’ ‘nope, she doesn’t care’ it puts people in their place and doesn’t allow them an opening to say their ignorant platitudes.

Renarde1975 · 03/02/2019 11:12

It's very very difficult for those that haven't been abused as child to understand the FOG.

The effects of FOG are far-reaching. If you are still in some kind of relationship with the abusive parent, it's difficult to get the FOG to lift as you really need perspective.

It was only when I went NC with mine a few years ago that I finally gained that perspective. We had a falling out over their treatment of my homeless (alcoholic) brother and I asked them for a few weeks space. They utterly refused, kept on bombarding me with phone calls etc. Finally, I was clear: I told them to leave me alone. (This is not the way you implement a NC by the way).

At that time, I had no intention of it being long term. But during that space, I had time to re-evaluate what had gone on. I had two weeks of flashbacks in the day and nightmares. It did go though. Then the temporary break became permanent.

It might be worth a full disclosure to your DP.

Original poster
lnfb · 03/02/2019 13:55

Thank you so much for all your responses. Perspective from people who have had similar experiences is such a comfort and I relate to the effects of FOG so much.

I also very much worry about the questions others will ask but you know what, at the end of the day it's OUR wedding. They should accept the response I give and leave it at that and not pry further.

xx

OP posts:
Whocansay · 03/02/2019 15:10

Why do you care? If people ask where she is, tell them she couldn't get the time off work. It won't reflect badly on you.

Your wedding is about you and your OH. I'm quite sure you'll be much happier without her there. Try not to worry about what others might think. They don't know what you've had to experience.