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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband struggling to find work

27 replies

userCLARE76 · 02/02/2019 10:34

I'm married with 2 primary school age children and work part time in a professional job, my working days (x2) are long - around 11-12 hours and one half day around 6 hours. This is standard for the job. Therefore my husband has always needed to be on hand for pick ups the 2 days a week I do long days. When he had a job, in a standard 9-5 kind of industry this worked, but he didn't enjoy the job and felt very badly treated by his line manager who side lined him and at the time of being made redundant he had very little work to do. He worked from home so was able to conceal this, he tried to raise it but became too scared they would make him redundant! They made him redundant 5 years ago and decided to set up his own business as felt too scarred to work for anyone else......It was in a different industry and although he spent long hours on his project it failed and he made no money! I encouraged him to get a part time role in recent years and then build up his business but it never happened. I also suggested instead of spending hours and hours over mths learning how to do his start up business he pay someone to do it quickly and then test if the idea worked, but he declined. We have an easy dynamic in a way as he does the school run 2 days a week, family help out with pick ups too to allow him to "work". I don't quite know how he spends his hours now. Discussing it too much causes rows. I have confided in his parents and they are keen he gets a job.

He looks at job web sites daily, has applied for 2 jobs in the past year....it came to a head last night and he said he didn't feel he could work for anyone else.

I am lost. We take small amounts from our savings to manage and his parents give us money. My parents are ageing and my mum in particular very critical of him, but she can't always remember what she has said but my husband finds her rude, so it's harder for them to come around. I wonder if he has aspergers or very perfectionist traits!
I don't know how to help him. I wonder if "careers counselling" with a psychlogist could help. Can anyone recommend where I start to look for this in the home counties/London?

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/02/2019 13:17

From what you've said in your thread, I kind of get the feeling that he doesn't want to work.

juneau · 02/02/2019 13:22

Yes, I think careers counselling might be a good idea. It sounds like there are two problems tbh:

He's worried that he'll be abused in the workplace again, so doesn't want to work for someone else;
He's got used to pottering around at home with no one to answer to and he really rather likes it! Having help with school runs, etc, from family just enables his rather nice lifestyle and as long as you don't rock the boat by questioning what he's doing then it suits him very well.

One solution, which I don't know if you've considered, is that he becomes a FT SAHP and you start working FT to support the family. I know of a few families who are doing this, as the wife is the higher earner and tbh it's not a lot different to what many women have done over the years with a FT working DH. How would you feel about that? Would he step up and do all the household stuff, do you think, if that was his 'job'?

fiorentina · 02/02/2019 15:24

Could you increase your hours to full time or look for a new role to solve the problem in the short-medium term and prevent your finances getting problematic. May not be your first choice but something I had to do to keep our family afloat.
As for your DH, a career coach could be beneficial, someone with practical advice that would increase his confidence to apply for roles again. Could he work part time too?

Fiddie · 02/02/2019 15:27

I wouldn't be happy with that at all. I think he needs to take a look at what's he's doing and see if he can find a paying job.

LannieDuck · 02/02/2019 16:23

Is he taking the role of SAHP? i.e. doing the lion's share of the housework and childcare?

If so, I don't think it's too bad, although looking for a PT job to balance the books would be a good idea.

If he leave the housework/childcare to you even tho you work and he doesn't, he's a lazy sod.

LannieDuck · 02/02/2019 16:24

I missed that you work PT - one of you needs to up your hours if you're taking money from his parents.

Original poster

userCLARE76 · 02/02/2019 17:54

Thank you veryone who responded. To clarify I work around 30 hours a week "at work", then another few hours management type things each week from home, so i guess that's around 33 hours.....I've increased my hours some weeks as we have to provide additional hours so that's suited me and I've been glad of the increased money that will bring. Long term I work in a sector where few people manage full time, it's prone to "burn out", so I am wary of a permanent increase in hours, I also think that may prevent my husband getting a job so easily if there are more days he needs to be done by 5pm to travel to pick up kids as on my long days I am totall wiped out and away from the home for 12 plus hours approx (half an hour commute each way). Also my mum is getting various health problems and I anticipate being needed more in the future to help with her and my dad (both show signs of early memory problems), I just want to stay at three quarter time and my husband just work a day a week at doing something! As he won't be queuing up to help out my parents, but life isn't as simple as that. I wondered if it was OK to just accept the status quo? He doesn't want to be a stay at home dad though, so the house isn't ship shape. He will put a load of washing on and sort the floors but never dusts or puts away washing, some weeks he cleans a bathroom......but definitely not the level I would expect from a stay at home dad. I am increasingly realising the only control I have is to say I will split up with him if he doesn't get a job and I couldn't afford that and don't want to. I can't force him to apply and look for jobs, all I can do is support him looking.

OP posts:

poglets · 02/02/2019 18:28

You may not want to, and I can understand that, but why can't you split up if he refuses to work? Even part time. What a terrible role model he is to your children and what a complete leech he is on the family: won't work and also won't pull his weight at home. Won't take advice about his business venture, won't support or help with your elderly parents when the time comes. No wonder your mother is critical. He works you in to the ground while he does little to change the situation.

You must despise him on some occasions. Nothing will change if you tolerate it though.

Wallywobbles · 02/02/2019 18:34

So what the fuck is he doing. That's a hell of a long list of wonts. Id have thought he'd pretty much reached the stage of being unable to ever work again by now. The longer you don't work the more crippling it is for you self esteem. Vicious circle. I think you need some proper discussions and some deadlines that you actually stick to. Surely even if he was working school hours shelf stacking (if thats actually a real thing) then that's better than now for the family?

Isleepinahedgefund · 02/02/2019 18:42

It sounds rather like you have an extra child (teenager) in the house! He doesn’t want to work for someone, he can’t be bothered to be properly self employed and doesn’t want to be a stay at home dad..... what does he want to do?

The thing is that he is an adult with responsibilities. You’re not making ends meet and he needs to step up and find a way of making money. Is he happy to take money from his parents because he doesn’t feel like getting a job?

If every one of us who have had a bad/terrible experience with a manager gave up work, unemployment rates would soar. Saying you’re too scarred by it all to work for someone else and not put the effort in to earn money another way is pure indulgence.

It also sounds like self employment doesn’t suit him - it doesn’t suit everyone, you have to be so motivated and disciplined and it doesn’t sound like he is either.

I guess you have to decide what you will and won’t put up with, and what you realistically will do about it if he doesn’t meet your expectations. Sadly you can’t MAKE him do anything, you can only spell out what’s acceptable to you and hope he decides he’s going to meet your expectation. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in wanting him to contribute to making your household self sufficient. He’s probably quite happy with things a they are as someone else is paying the bills (you and his parents) and he’s even getting half the school runs done for him so he can sit on his arse blowing bubbles all day or whatever he’s up to.

juneau · 02/02/2019 18:57

what a complete leech he is on the family: won't work and also won't pull his weight at home

I agree with this. Either he's working and bringing in money or he's pulling his weight at home. He cannot be sitting on his arse while you're working, not doing the housework, getting your elderly parents to pick the kids up half the time, and doing fuck all. That is what I would have a problem with. So no, I could not accept the status quo, if I were you. He's neither use or ornament at the moment.

Grace212 · 02/02/2019 19:07

he's not struggling to find work

he isn't looking for work.

he applied for 2 jobs last year?!

loads of us hate working but it's how bills get paid.

another20 · 02/02/2019 19:09

Is he depressed? Does he have a social life - or get out of the house for sport / hobbies?

Sounds like he is stuck in a rut. Could you start by getting him out of the house one day a week volunteering etc just to get a routine going....then maybe a short term contract and build it up from there?

another20 · 02/02/2019 19:15

Your title is odd - he isn’t “struggling to find work” though is he?

5 whole years mooching about, and only applied for 2 jobs in the past year - has your youngest just started primary?

CatnissEverdene · 02/02/2019 19:19

He's living the dream, isn't he?! Wife out at work, he's at home doing whatever he wants and he puts in a token effort so you can't moan at him. Is that what you want your DC to grow up thinking is OK?

I couldn't respect a partner that left me doing all the work.

zippey · 02/02/2019 19:25

I’m sorry, I agree with all of the above. He seems a bit work shy. Maybe it’s psychological, since he feels he has been badly treated at his previous work. But he’s badly treating you now. He needs to do something g. Full time SAHP is fine, but you imply he is only doing thus part time.

You don’t have to split up or dish out ultimatums but he needs to seriously start respecting you and start contributing to the family. I agree in that he is a bad role model for the children. Does he get dole money?

Bananalanacake · 02/02/2019 20:45

Isn't he embarrassed taking money from his parents when he isn't working.

category12 · 02/02/2019 20:56

He's not struggling to find work - if he was spending several hours a day applying for jobs and getting nowhere, then he'd be struggling. He's not trying.

Original poster

userCLARE76 · 02/02/2019 21:26

Thank you for the replies. My youngest will be going into junior school next year. The money from his parents has been for specific projects - e.g. helping with an extension and I think like to give small amounts now rather than face more inheritance tax when they've gone. I think they give similar amounts to their other children rather than beacuse my husband is not working. The problem is it probably acts as a deterrent to him finding work as it's just enough for us to keep ticking over, so we only need to draw on a small amount of savings that we buid up when we were both working before I had my second child. I just find it so frustrating that we could be putting money away at this point in our lives but can't as he can't/won't find work. I think he needs help, won't see GP, but I just wonder if I can find a careers coach. I didn't realise until recently that if someone has been off work a long time it's known to be really hard to get them back into work.

(Also if I earn any more I think I will start to lose child benefit which is a pain and I'd rather the status quo than me work more, as the kids get upset when I miss 2 bed tims a week as it is..)

OP posts:

another20 · 02/02/2019 21:32

Does he do anything outside the house hobbies or social life?

Careers coach is a good idea - but pointless if it is depression / psychological - you could maybe ask him to research one himself to test his motivation?

I would be v frustrated. Is he happy or low mood - are you?

another20 · 02/02/2019 21:36

If you do start looking at jobs - look at temp / short term contracts / even low skilled at events etc - just to build up his confidence and slowly fill the gap i his CV. Applying for a FT job with 5 year gap is pissing in the wind and will be soul destroying for him.

Would he like to retrain? Might be the quickest way?

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2019 21:41

I do wonder op if you are simply seeing what his manager saw, that he was sidelined and had little work because this is who he is, and has always been.

And if this is the case, he is simply workshy, thinks highly of himself, and doesn't really like to get his hands dirty, then you've two options, accept you will always carry him, he will be neither house husband or financial provider, or end it and move on.

All I know is that people who wish to work and provide do their utmost to do so.

juneau · 03/02/2019 08:32

How do his parents feel about him not working OP? Could you maybe talk to them and get them to encourage him to face whatever is stopping him get back into work? You're having no luck on your own persuading him.

DianaT1969 · 03/02/2019 09:28

A stay at home dad I know, who was a maths teacher is now becoming an uber driver in order to be free to do the school run. Their children are 6 and 8 and his wife works long shifts asa midwife with call outs.
Your husband needs to think outside of his old role.

another20 · 04/02/2019 18:18

Www.morrisby.co.uk is an online testing service for career changers which might be a good start. Nudge in the right direction / not too onerous?

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