husband struggling to find work

[userCLARE76]

I'm married with 2 primary school age children and work part time in a professional job, my working days (x2) are long - around 11-12 hours and one half day around 6 hours. This is standard for the job. Therefore my husband has always needed to be on hand for pick ups the 2 days a week I do long days. When he had a job, in a standard 9-5 kind of industry this worked, but he didn't enjoy the job and felt very badly treated by his line manager who side lined him and at the time of being made redundant he had very little work to do. He worked from home so was able to conceal this, he tried to raise it but became too scared they would make him redundant! They made him redundant 5 years ago and decided to set up his own business as felt too scarred to work for anyone else......It was in a different industry and although he spent long hours on his project it failed and he made no money! I encouraged him to get a part time role in recent years and then build up his business but it never happened. I also suggested instead of spending hours and hours over mths learning how to do his start up business he pay someone to do it quickly and then test if the idea worked, but he declined. We have an easy dynamic in a way as he does the school run 2 days a week, family help out with pick ups too to allow him to "work". I don't quite know how he spends his hours now. Discussing it too much causes rows. I have confided in his parents and they are keen he gets a job.

He looks at job web sites daily, has applied for 2 jobs in the past year....it came to a head last night and he said he didn't feel he could work for anyone else.

I am lost. We take small amounts from our savings to manage and his parents give us money. My parents are ageing and my mum in particular very critical of him, but she can't always remember what she has said but my husband finds her rude, so it's harder for them to come around. I wonder if he has aspergers or very perfectionist traits!
I don't know how to help him. I wonder if "careers counselling" with a psychlogist could help. Can anyone recommend where I start to look for this in the home counties/London?

He isn't saving into a pension and he will not get a full state pension either. So you will be working until you drop! I couldn't put up with this, he would have to work or leave.

Speaking from experience you and his parents are enabling him to be lazy. My STBXH was same set up business which failed and spent a lot of time sleeping and cycling and not working each week but also didn’t want to be SAHD so I was supporting a family of five on one PT wage while he allegedly worked in his business. The resentment I felt at being leeched off destroyed our marriage. It’s like having an extra child not a partner. In the divorce I will have to give him % assets he doesn’t morally deserve. I did more earning and childcare than him. He does now work FT but would only do a low paid job (a starter level job) in a field he loved instead of earning much more in what he’s actually trained in. As a result all his money goes on rent and it’s not even worth me collecting the pittance I would get in maintenance. He is just really selfish. I’ve only realised this with distance. I used to make excuses for him - he was depressed, the kids were full on with additional needs - but having seen how he put himself first and the kids last I’ve been shocked. Financially I am better off without him as he spent more than he contributed and I now get more tax credits. He probably was depressed but is much happier now he is out working and doesn’t have children to look after. we could never have a sensible conversation about work / money because I think he always felt so guilty and he would make loads of promises which never amounted to anything. If it’s been like this for 5 years it won’t get better unless he gets counselling or treatment if depressed but he has to want to provide for his family and I don’t think my ex cared enough and looking back I enabled that as he always knew I wouldn’t let us go under. I just don’t think people who are sensible and people who are irresponsible financially are suited. We had lots else in common but this ended up being the deal breaker. It becomes increasingly difficult to find your partner attractive when you feel like their parent. It’s one thing to support each other through tough times it’s another when all the support is one way and you realise you’ve spent years putting yourself last. I regret all the stuff we’ve missed out on, all the holidays with friends we couldn’t go on because he had no wage, all the school trips the kids couldn’t go on, all the years of seething resentment waiting for him to change and step up. He never did. I wish I’d never mixed our finances. We were always in debt although I never had debt before I was with him or after. Ask yourself if you are willing to fund him long term and for you both to live off your pension and whether you can do that without resentment killing anything else you feel for him. He can get a job. Even my 15 year old son and his mates have jobs at weekends. He just thinks it’s beneath him to do work that isn’t his ideal - but ok for you to do it. My Ex’s parents always bailed him out too which was the worst thing they could have done. They’ve just bought him a new car because he couldn’t afford to fix his - he’s nearly 50!