So torn

[Blushingm]

I'm stuck between 2 men - I like them both, a lot, and don't know what to do

Number 1 - I've known him for 5 years, originally we were fwb until middle of 2017 when we got together. He had a hectic lifestyle and lost his license and then went to prison for driving whilst disqualified. He also started taking ketamine. We split up in September. He says since then he's had an epiphany. He didn't go out, has not taken any drugs and has been completely miserable without me. He realises that his life was a mess and that he doesn't want that life anymore. He wants to be with me and be happy. We've been out for a couple of meals as friends the last few weeks

Number 2 - he's in the same profession as me. Get on great and started dating in November. He has bipolar and stopped his meds and had a bit of a time and decided he didn't want to see me, then he did. We decided to be just friends but now he says he realises he loves me and wants to be a couple etc

What do I do? Neither knows about the other and I have feelings for both

God isn’t there an option 3?

Definitely option 3.

Neither.

Not the first one anyway. He’s pinning all his happiness on you and making you responsible for fixing him. So bollocks to that.

That may become the case with the second too but that as yet, is unknown. His illness may mean that a relationship will be tough going. As someone who has a fair bit of experience with mental health issues including bi-polar, I am sympathetic about his condition but I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t want to take it on.

Objectively I’d say neither thanks. Honest opinion.

Definitely not number 1! Though number 2 sounds pretty ropey too

Option 3.

And option 3 = choose none!

God no.

How about looking for someone who:
a. doesn't have convictions, MH or addiction issues,
and b. you haven't already split up with at least once before.

I'd have to REALLY like someone to take all that on (both cases). The fact that you're torn implies that you're not crazy about either, so why bother? Option 3 I think.

Definitely not number 1! Spend some more time with number 2 and take it slow, see where it goes.

I’ve just finished a crappy night shift, third in a row so I’m probably delirious but I’ve just spent the last few minute belly laughing at “God, isn’t there an option 3?”. Almost choked on my rice crispies.

If they were my options I'd be single

Why are you waiting around for two men who’ve had awful issues (some self inflicted) and have messed you about?

You don't NEED either of these men.

Neither!

Neither!

You're asking for trouble with either. Start afresh

It’s not like you HAVE to choose one. There’s no obligation here...either to these men or to be in a relationship. You don’t have to pick the best of a bad bunch because that’s what’s currently on offer. You can say no thanks and stay single until you meet someone suitable.

What strikes me about your post is that it's all about what they want - you're torn because at the moment they both want you.

Trust me I understand because in someways I'm in a similar position. I'm sure these men tick some of your boxes - but neither of them tick them all or even enough of them.

Stay single - keep the friendships if you want. Their reaction to that will be telling. If they keep trying to persuade you and make you feel bad about not going out with them then they really don't care enough about YOU.

Option 3. The bipolar wouldn't worry me, the stopping his meds would.

Really??? Really? Come on now!

Keep looking OP. If you’re not madly in love with either of them walk away... even if you were I’d be considering walking away

Option 3, 4, 5, 6 etc
Keep going until you find someone else

Honestly neither.

I don't judge some for taking drugs in the past. But it's very recent past. He is pinning all his hopes you.

I don't judge someone for having MH issues to deal with. But coming off his meds? My mum has BPD I understand that stopping meds can happen often, but do want this everytime he decides he is ok without his meds and comes off them. He needs a good long few years of being on them, staying on them and understanding he needs them.

Both these men have big issues. You can't save them. Trust me I know. I have always had a thing for troubled men with emotional issues. It's a running joke amongst my friends. I always fancy the dark, troubled men. But it's just not fun and it sets you up for pain

Option 3, your job is not to save either of these men. Walk away very fast and find someone else. Life is for living, it’s way too short as it is to stay with either of these 2.

The very fact that you’re dithering between them suggests to me that neither of them is really what you want. If one really was your perfect partner, the other one wouldn’t even be on your radar.
Please take the advice of the many PPs - drop both these chaps and their multiple problems, and go out dating some better alternatives. You shouldn’t be looking for a damaged person to rescue, but a good solid equal partner. It’s not like buying houses - you shouldn’t be looking for a “doer upper”!