I think I need to leave

[Vie8126]

Been with my partner for about 4 years, we broke up for a year and got back together which I am bow stupidly regretting but felt backed into a corner.

Before I met him I had been divorced 6 years had rebuilt myself into a completely new person. Had a well paid job, had a beautiful home, lots of friends very active gym goer and debt free and now I don't recognise that person.

It started with "you don't have to be the main breadwinner now you have me" I was having some difficulties in work so thus felt like ah I can take a step back. I ended up taking a huge 20k pay cut and thought it would mean he would take more financial responsibility. No. What it meant was I have no money for me and I still have to put all my wages and maintenance into the bills and "can ask him for money" which is met with questions on what is it for and he doesn't have any. He is self employed and if he doesn't get on with someone or decides he has had enough he just quits. This has led us to having weeks of him being unemployed and having no money. We had to cancel a family holiday last year as he quit jobs 5x for example.

At home he doesn't do anything. He womt lift a finger or put a dish in the dishwasher. He tells me constantly that my managerial office job is nowhere near as stressful as his labouring job. He won't give input into meal planning won't start dinner if he is home first won't do food shopping. Moans that I do the shopping online and don't go to the shop. If he is home he sits in bed playing ps4.

He won't do any running around with the children, okay they are not his but thought we would share that. Nope. It all comes down to me, in fact he would be happier if they gave up their extra curricular activities. If I moan about it it is my fault for letting them do activities.

If I fall asleep watching tv in the evening he shouts at me until I wake up then moans that I never spend time with him and sulks.

If I make plans to see friends (not that I have many anymore) on the weekends the children go their dad I am unfair as it's 'his time. However he won't take me out or do anything anymore he just wants to sit in and watch tv. Which is nice sometimes but it's all the time.

If I don't answer him in a time frame that he thinks it's quick enough I'm ignorant, if I'm looking at my phone I'm rude. The other night he called me out to the hall I was cutting chicken and didn't want the cat to get it so put it away so took me about an extra minute to get there. He screamed at me that when he calls me I am to come as I had just made something so simple longer. I replied that I hadn't done that he had and he pushed me against the wall and hissed go on say it again I dare you. I managed to just walk away.

All debt is in my name, he refuses to help make payments as "your credit is fucked anyway" he only cares about his. I struggle to make payments as I'm also paying all the bills. He earns double what I do, all my money and child maintenance stays in the bank to pay bills he puts 800 in and then gives me money for weekly food shop and I have to ask for additional money. I never have money for clothes. He will always give me the bare minimum but yet if his family ask to borrow money he gives it them no questions asked. Hairdresser appointments for example I wouldn't use the hairdresser he wanted me to use so refused to give me money moaned about how much it cost although I had got it for half the cost. I regularly have to cancel appointments as he won't give me the money. He gets paid roughly 900 a week take home. I have no clue what he spends his money on.

He regularly will storm upstairs during dinners saying someone has upset him and put him off his food, either me or one of the kids has been rude to him etc (they are 14 and 10)

I feel so stuck, I can't move I have no money, I have so much debt I could barely make ends meet. I want to leave. I don't recognise thus person afraid to speak or voice their opinions having to do all the housework all the childcare all the cooking and work full time but trying So hard to not fall asleep. I need to stay to try to get some of my debt paid off, I have a loan which is due to finish in June and that frees up a huge chunk of money. I'm nearly 40 and never thought I would be back in a miserable a position as this. Sorry it's so long!

What's horrible situation. Money you can fix but it's harder to deal with a head that now questions everything because of some one else's voice. You do need to leave. It will be a relief, even if it will be a horrible struggle.

You are living with an abuser op. Have you read the book the dominator? Give women’s aid a call they will listen and support you, with no pressure. Him pushing you against a wall, it seems this are escalating to being physical. Abusive men try to have you in a constant state of confusion you begin to wonder what way is up. He’s isolated you from friends and has you in a job where he knows you can’t as easily walk out the door. Women’s aid help you with housing and debt. Please call them.
So much of your story sounds like mine, things got a lot worse before I left. I’ve been free for two years and I have a life again. You can do this x

You need to get out. I know it's not that simple. I have been there. Can you step work back up again?

You certainly do need to leave this abusive arsehole. Well done for recognising this and your self worth.
There is nothing beneficial about staying. He's abusing you and your children, physically, emotionally and financially.
Do you two actually live together, and is it your house?
Women's Aid would be well worth contacting on 0808 2000 247 or [email protected]. They may also be able to help with the financial side of things or help source it, but the main thing is you need to get yourself and your children safe. Don't stay, he's a scumbag.

OK. Debt can be dealt with. If you had to get it written off or an IVA or something, it would take a few years to rebuild a credit rating etc, but you can come back from it.

If you can realistically say in June that debt will be significantly reduced, then make your plans to exit the relationship at that point. If it's more likely he'll bully and financially abuse you into more debt by then (does he know this will end in June?), then you need to consider getting out, debt be damned.

Is it your house, you live in? Rent?

I won't get anywhere near my previous salary in my current role, however in the last 3 years I've had 7k in pay rises due to my hard work and got myself in a managerial position. I do have some interviews lined up for working in the City at a good 10k more than my current salary. Failing that I have a 2k pay rise coming in June.

My last house was rented and in my name, my landlord wanted to sell and because if affordability checks I couldn't rent on my own so it's a joint tenancy also up in June.

I think he knows the loan is up but tbh he doesn't like talking about it as it was a loan for a vehicle he had that when we split up I asked for back sold and consolidated the loan so he is quite bitter about it.

Oh gosh OP . Your post is so heartbreaking. All the sacrifices made for such a possessive and abusive excuse for a partner!

This isn't healthy for you and also your children. I think he's flexed his muscles enough now as you need to put a stop to his abuses by leaving.

June can't come soon enough, but in the meantime, start gathering all the important documents to a safe place and contact relevant authorities for help. He's such an idiot! And don't take him back no matter his manipulative skills. Get gone!

June june june JUNE. It's all going to end in June. Focus on that OP. Write the days date every day in the steam on the bathroom mirror as a countdown if you need to to realise that...well...June.

Get him gone in June.

My first step was financial independence. I planned begore then and once money came in I executed the plan.

Spend from now til June making your own. If he gets physical again, call the police. Do not put yourself in danger

You absolutely need to leave.

If you need to wait for June and it’s safe then do that, but if not get the fuck out of there ASAP.

Do you have family nearby? Could they house you temporarily?

June seems like your ideal time to make the break, op.

You sound really capable and sorted, if it wasn't for him. You'll manage just fine and you'll sort out the debt without him dragging you down. You just have to make sure he doesn't convince or coerce you to take out any more in the meantime.

Take his aggression seriously and call the police if he touches you like that again, or if you're afraid. You are in a domestic abuse situation. Take care.

Could a parent, a sibling, or a close friend loan you some money on the basis that it will be repaid in June? I think mentally you're ready to solve this right now and you need to strike while the iron's hot, not wait until June.

When he gets aggressive again call the police

He sounds awful. The good thing is you realise this and want to leave him. Are they his kids?

I've just read the thread by someone called CoatsProtectionLeague, about her long term strategy for exiting her marriage. It took her a few months, but the advice that MNetters gave her was brilliant.
See if you can find it.

Just get as many ducks in a row as possible. Ring Womens Aid and book yourself into see the CAB. Knowledge is Power!

Just keep everything under his radar. He'll get much worse if he thinks you're planning on leaving.

Thanks everyone.

I will be relying on my mum to loan me house deposits as I won't be able to raise that between now and June and I know she would give it to me if I wanted to go now.

I'm worried about the tenancy being in joint names and being in a contract. Also I wouldn't be able to cope on a monthly basis with childcare payments and bills whilst making so many debt repayments. I've dropped some down to the minimum they will take in order to try to whittle the bigger ones down quicker.

I'm also on a 12 week notice period so any new job won't be until May time.

He can be nice but lately more and more this horrible person is coming out. He screams at me to fuck off get out of his sight and gives me the silent treatment for days until I will apologise. He twists things round so I never know what's going on.

He sounds awful. Can you get a debt consolidation loan and add some money to it for a deposit? It might make the debt last longer, but it would get you out of the house faster.

Would you be entitled to any benefits Tax Credits? Check out what you're entitled to, if you get some money back on child care it might just make it affordable.

and

OP I've been where you are and I got out and life became great. Message me back to promise me you will ring Women's Aid and Citizens Advice. They know the answers to all the problems buzzing around your head. Reach out for help. I did and with support I got great advice and support to manage my debt and leave my abuser. You are not imaging this. Best wishes.

I feel like a fraud phoning women's aid it just feels like arguments and not getting on but I think deep down I know it's abusive which is why I feel the need to get out.

You're suffering financial abuse, silent treatment (emotional abuse), verbal abuse - waking you yelling at you is abusive - you're not a fraud, OP.

OP you are in denial about the reality of your situation. Everyone reading your post thinks you are being abused in your home. Denial is extremely common in domestic abuse. Please ring Women's Aid who are the exerts as identifying abuse.

They have seen and heard it all. Just one call might help you. It might take a few times to get through but it really will be worth it.

In the meantime Google common signs of domestic abuse.

Reading your message made me remember my situation which was over 22 years ago. I remember now how many times I met with the woman in Women's Aid and she tried to spell things out. She was very patient and so kind and eventually the penny dropped.

Looking back the signs were written in massive clear writing but I didn't see it or rather I was too traumatised to admit it. I kept minimising it and trying to be normal. Things were far from normal. Best wishes to you.

That makes for really difficult reading, and yes the simple answer is that you need to leave - particularly after the incident in the hallway. It looks like you'll have to stick it out for another 6 months but that gives you some time to get everything in order. We are all here behind you, you've done it before so you know you can do it

Him spending his days in bed has worked quite well today. I've been busy with the children and housework but have also managed to do some sums and work out with the help of entitled to.co.uk what kind of position I could be in.

I've been so upset recently and detached from my life not sleeping and feeling so miserable. It's him that makes me feel that way I'm doing everything here he adds no benefit to my life so I may as Well do it all and be happy.

I saw a video on Facebook of an old colleague proposing to his girlfriend and she looked so happy and excited. My DP proposed to me last year (I'm front of all his family and friends none of mine only my kids) and I just numbly nodded the contrast was so blindingly obvious. He then moaned at my reaction as it wasn't what he wanted I think he wanted jumping up and down.

What do I do when it's time to leave, tell him? Leave whilst he is out? How do you actually do the leaving part.

Could you speak to your landlord and explain the situation? May be he has another property that you could move into on a sole tenancy before June and reissue a single tenancy to your ex for the current house.