Why does it still bother me?

[Shoegal0305]

Firstly, let me say I feel quite pathetic admitting all this. I don't want to be flamed I'm posting for positive advice 😀😀.

I have had, almost an obsessive relationship with a guy I've known 20 years. I've posted before but long story short...... both originally in relationships, mine ended first, his was on and off more than my hot water 😂. I really loved him. Knew him very well it wasn't just a fleeting thing we worked together and in some ways he was my ideal man, humour and looks wise. But he would never commit. I had all the promises, he would never follow them up. He was on and off with the mother of his child, who I also know indirectly and by all accounts is a lovely woman. I never knowingly entered into anything when I knew he was with her. But we would get together on a night out, he wound promise me the earth, then low and behold he'd be off on holiday with the ex/girlfriend/whatever she was as I'm not sure myself??

Annnnnnyway...... about 2 years ago he made the big leap and bought a house by himself. Again, promised me we would make a go of things, but also again, never followed up on his promises. There was always an excuse. He needed more time, his son needed him, he didn't want to rush things. Things came to a head about a year ago I finally took stock and told him I wasn't going to take it anymore and that was that. It always seems easier when I have no contact with him. I deleted his number and all social media.

Please bear in mind I've been a single mum for 12 years, think I've done a pretty good job bringing up my son alone. It's been hard and my confidence has taken a hell of a battering. That's possibly why I let this man into my head for so long?

Anyway I cut contact quite confident in the knowledge that due to his inability to commit and the fact he seemed completely ruled by the ex, he wouldn't move on and stupidly i thought the old cliche 'you won't find anyone better than me' 🙄🙄.

So at Christmas I found out he's seeing someone else. I do t know why I feel so shocked, and sad? My logical self tells me it IS his loss, and I'm better off out. I KNOW this, but I have a nagging feeling of 'what has she got that I didn't'??? Pathetic? Probably. I just need someone to tell me leopards don't change their spots, will he be the same weak minded,uncommitted person with her as he was with me? I am quite happy on my own i really am in 12 years it's just been him. Why am I feeling like this???

All he's done is bring you agonising pain, over and over.

He's done the same with his ex; he'll do the same with his current gf, poor woman, one way or another.

He's held you up for so many years, don't let him take any more. This sounds woo but I'd consider doing a kind of 'breaking ties' spiritual ceremony of some kind. Sounds nuts unless you're got by the throat by one of these horrific and appalling obsessions: anything is worth a go. Xx

Thanks springydaff, this is what I need to hear.

Why do I think this new relationship is going to be all sweetness and light? I feel as tho she's got what I wanted? Again, pathetic I know 😫

She didn't get what you wanted.
You wanted a loving, committed partner. That wasn't him. Time to bury him-his pictures, his memory.
It's not pathetic. It's love.
Don't waste anymore time on him.

Yeah why are you projecting a life of bliss onto this couple? It’s based on nothing and borne only (probably) from anger somewhere you feel at how you’ve been treated.

Well to snuff this out maybe look closer to home - why did you let that happen. You sort of know why - you were struggling and lacking in confidence/self esteem. Forgive yourself that (maybe do a ‘I forgive meself’ ceremony as per Springy’a suggestion) and then hopefully you won’t give a shit any more.

Onwards my friend!

Thank you lifeisabeach and latentphase. I KNOW I've done right by cutting contact.

This proves what he's like......... I heard at Christmas from mutual friends who'd seen him out with the new woman. In their words they were 'eating each other' 🤢. So stupidly I messaged him (I have deleted his number and social media but for some reason he's still available on Messenger??). I just said Happy Christmas. He instantly replied Happy Christmas back and 'miss you'!!!!

😡😡

Ps I need suggestions as to a ceremony to rid myself of this evil creature 😂😂

It always seems easier when I have no contact with him.
This was the bit the stood out for me, it's like giving up smoking in that you go cold turkey then find it's not so bad after a couple of weeks.

He isn't going to give you what you want, he'll never be more than half in half out, he'll never be different than the person he is when he's with you. It will undermine your confidence so much.
It doesn't matter who he is with or why. Picture the future you want to have, not an unrealistic (given what you know about him) future with him, but with someone better than him who loves you and will devote himself to you.

I know that forcing yourself to stop loving someone is very difficult and takes time, but many of us have to do it at some point in our lives and eventually move on to be far, far happier. I hope this happens to you.

Meganbacon it's so true isn't it? I find it so much easier when I have no contact. Alas it's easier said than done as we work for the same organisation (albeit different sites) and we have a lot of mutual friends, who often say oh I saw ++** the other day blah blah blah.

So when these mutual friends say ‘oh I saw Twatfeatures the other day’ the response you need to cultivate is Grey Rock. Silence. Utter indifference. Change the subject (Brexit, rugby six nations, anything ) then they will stop.

Latentphase a lot of people, mostly work colleagues, don't know me and him were involved and I don't want to tell them! But yes Brexit is always a good get out clause lol 😂

It's a fucker isn't it. 20 years? 😲 I've done three and I'm broken. In that time I've had a relationship and a few flings but can I break this connection? I too think he's perfect. Nope. It's love isn't it? Just not good love. Or reciprocal. You aren't alone OP

You were to available to him and he doesn't love you, he's kept you on the line to reel you in and cast you out as he pleases/needs. He probably wanted a fresh start to free himself of the past which you were a part of. I'm not judging I've been there myself you want what you can't have there is nothing more about her or less about you, it just is what it is.

I learned the meaning of limerence on here I would also highly recommend baggage reclaim.com to understand the dynamics.

I'd cut all contact and find someone willing to commit and worthy of you as whilst your stuck on him your potentially not meeting mr right.

I cut contact with mine 5 years ago, he was my first love on/off for 15 years, I go through pangs even now of wanting to contact him, still think of him everyday but I know he can't give me what I want so feck him, I'd rather be on my own.

Readytorewind thank you yes it's bloody awful. The amount of times I've deleted all contact details, cut ties etc. Then somehow we end up in touch and I again get the bottomless promises. I've always thought he was so tied to the ex he'd never move on and if he did it would be with me. I just feel he's everything I wanted him to be with someone else!

Ilovecrunchyautumnleaves I hear you!!! X

You did the right thing cutting contact and him being with someone else is no reflection on you. You hear about it all the time - men not making a commitment to one woman then they meet someone else and settle down really quickly. Don’t beat yourself up about it but don’t let him take up any more of your time either. He really doesn’t deserve it.

Or, they meet someone else and don't settle down with them either....after the initial 'best behaviour' they just treat the new woman the same as they treat you. Feel very sorry for the new lady, she is going to go through all the miserable times that you have.
I had awful pangs when my ex found someone new...repeatedly..but in my case, (small town), I sat with the new gf of my ex....she didn't know it was me but was having a conversation with a mutual friend about her 'new' man....all the same doubts, fears and messing about. They don't change.

Mine has a new gf but has cheated on her with me. I didn't know he was with her. So I understand that she's got it worse than I have really.

He won't be being faithful (at least emotionally) to her. You know that?

I've done the deleting. I've done the 'do not contact me ever again' too. But I refuse to chastise myself when he reels me back in because I do actually love him. So I know I'm not a cold hearted twat but I'm self harming. Lots of understanding to you

Thanks all. I felt so strong! Had an awful dream last night regarding him so I know he's getting under my skin again!

The fact that he messaged me 'miss you' when I was (before I was!) fishing for info does speak volumes! Just that a few friends have said that he'd told them all about this woman, he never told anyone about us I was almost a guilty secret!!

Everybody deserves a happy ever after. You and him. If you two were meant to be together, then you would be. The problem is he could have found his happiness first and that hurts. I know exactly how you feel. But don't let your feelings of anger towards the situation blind you about the reasons you aren't together. If you had found someone first, I promise you would not be as hurt by the situation. He has strung you along and treated you badly. Why should he meet someone first?! It's not fair! But that's the way of the world I'm afraid. One day you will meet someone who makes you not only forget him, but forgive him too. Keep hold of the hurt for now, remember why you aren't together. Instead of thinking "what has she got?" Remember why you had the strength to walk away. If he wasn't with her, would you want him back? Probably not, so don't let these feelings trick you. You have been strong in waking away, keep going.

I think the very simple answer is - because you still care.
And that's ok!
I've had a very similar 'pang' this morning. It's a big birthday of a mutual friend of mine and my ex's. And I've found out by the power of FB - that they're out tonight with some other old friends. Which of course is fine, totally normal. But seeing this did hurt.
And I know that's because I still love my ex. I probably always will. It's the idea of them having a life without you, when you are seemingly still hanging on, that stings.
But remember - you have a life too! And as the oldest of cliches says 'time does heal'.
We all have moments where we think wistfully and longingly. Wondering what we could have done better.
You cannot undo the past, you can only move forwards... (note to self! )

The chances are high he'll string her along just like he did with you.

But bottom line is, he didn't ever feel the same way about you as you did about him. He may have talked a good game at the time, but that's all it was.

Thank you all for your replies. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this so it is nice to read your experiences too. I have no regret if that makes sense and no, I don't want him back. But part of me just has this pang of 'something' (don't think it's jealousy?) that I was somehow missing something that she obviously has? Does our confidence a power of good huh?! 😂. I probably stupidly feel the 'nice' parts of him are all she is seeing. He isn't a nasty person I don't mean that but he's very immature and considering he does a job of great responsibility, he does struggle to stand on his own two feet! When he moved into his own house he was still going to his mums for tea!!!! He's 43!!!!!!

It's not a lack in you. Sometimes someone ticks all the boxes and you still don't feel "it" with them.

Lucky escape really, considering his feigned helplessness. That would get old fast.

She's got what you turned down.

He's not very good at being committed to one person, he chops and changes when the fancy takes him, and no doubt it won't be long before he's up to his old tricks again.

You did the right thing in ending it, and although it hurts, it will get better.

Yes she's got your leavings (as his message shows) and she will get all the crappy treatment you got. He won't suddenly become the ideal partner now and he never has been.