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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much drinking is too much in a dh?

43 replies

boozecruise · 03/07/2007 10:27

My dh enjoys fine wines and socialising, is a gregarious fun type to be around. But I worry that 2-3 nights a week, work related, he'll come home drunk as a skunk.

Not only is he smelly and sweaty, I just hate being around him when he's like that. He snores loudly. Talks a load of bollocks.

I worry about being widowed early if he ruins his liver.

I worry about the expense of restaurant wines when we go out together. I hate taking public transport because he refuses to drive to social events so he can drink. I refuse to chauffer him.

I don't want to invite friends round because I know everyone will get pissed and be boring and stupid and I'll be the one washing up.

Am I just a killjoy?

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 03/07/2007 10:45

If you are a killjoy then I am too. I have tried and tried to explain to my DH how much I just don't like him when he is drunk (stroppy, talks crap, tries to have deep and meaningful conversations and gets angry when I say it is pointless because he won't remember it in the morning). Periodically he stops drinking for a while (at least during the week) but it never lasts long.

I don't have any answers, I am afraid - just empathy.

HappyDaddy · 03/07/2007 10:49

He sounds rather selfish, I'm afraid. If he cared about what you thought, or took it seriously, he might rethink.

Does he know exactly what you think of him when he's drunk? I think you need to make it very clear.

clutteredup · 03/07/2007 10:56

Has he always been like this or is it recent? Maybe he's stressed or worried - men seem to have a weird way of dealing with stress - sorry happydaddy present company excluded- but it could be a more serious problem you need to get him to talk about it when he's sober and you're not too pissed off.

Original poster
boozecruise · 03/07/2007 12:05

Well his family are drinkers. Middle class bon viveurs who drink most lunch and supper times. Dh has always enjoyed drinking when socialising. When I've challenged him eg to stop for a week he won't.

The line I get is 'I like to enjoy myself, what's wrong with that?' I've told him how boring/unattractive he is when pissed but it makes me look like I don't know how to have fun.

I'm not from a drinking family so don't really see the fun so much.

He sees it as my problem not his which I know is a slippery slope towards denial.

OP posts:
witchandchips · 03/07/2007 12:12

does he get hangovers? If so just refuse to pander to them. Insist he gets up and helps out.

Original poster
boozecruise · 03/07/2007 12:14

It's kind of pissing me off because as we get older the hangovers are worse, he denies getting hangovers but I can tell his energy levels are not what they should be. We have 3 dc's who get short changed when he just wants to veg at the weekend.

How can I make him see it's his problem not mine?

This is really the one and only thing we ever argue about and I'd like to solve it for once and for all.

I'm aware that you can't change your man but it's getting to me. Thank you for your replies so far, would welcome any more thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
boozecruise · 03/07/2007 12:17

Actually it's our anniversay on Thursday, we're going to a swanky restaurant. Would it be reasonable to suggest we don't drink, just to see what happens?

Don't want to spoil our evening, maybe the timing's wrong for tackling this issue, but then there's never a good time... and if he refuses the idea it may prove it's really a problem.

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 03/07/2007 12:20

My dp is exactly the same, I find it really stressful,. He uses it also as an excuse to unwind and forget his problems, I don't. It really worries me if he has the children that if anything happnened in the night he would be too out of it to notice. The other thing is recently he has been sick alot which is really awful. No advice, just my thoughts are with you.

witchandchips · 03/07/2007 12:21

I would just focus on his behaviour during the days. Explain that your dcs need two parents to play with them and that it is unfair on both you and them for your dh just to veg. If he is a good parent in other ways he will agree with you and try to help out more. If he has to deal with the consequences of a hangover, he may end up being more restrained. Even if he doesn't you won't end up being doubly resentful

Jazzicatz · 03/07/2007 12:21

IME telling my dp not to drink is like a red rag to a bull. I wouldn't mention it if you want a pleasant evening, just try and limit what he drinks!!!

Original poster
boozecruise · 03/07/2007 12:24

Hi jazzi, thanks for the sympathy. I get the old 'well it's not every day' excuses, other people drink a lot more etc.

But years ago I met a load of his colleagues and it was apparent that dh has a reputation for always having a full glass, drinking too much etc. I think it's sad and pathetic.

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 03/07/2007 12:24

Message withdrawn

Wisteria · 03/07/2007 12:24

Poor you
Problem is if he drinks as much as you say he may be dependant, although would probably never admit it. Expecting him not to drink on your anniversary at all may be a bit much all in one go, especially with a good meal (it would be for me).
Could you say something along the lines of 'shall we have one really good bottle with our meal' and then take him home and show him how much you fancy him when he's not blotto?

Jazzicatz · 03/07/2007 12:26

Yes I do to, and my dp is known for being the life and soul but only among the men, the women think my dp is a bit of an arse when he is drunk.

ginnedupmummy · 03/07/2007 12:27

Message withdrawn

Original poster
boozecruise · 03/07/2007 12:27

For the anniversary, I was thinking of going for a couple of cocktails beforehand but skip the wine during ... we'll see

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 03/07/2007 12:34

IME the "one really nice bottle" approach would work better... the issue my DH has is stopping once he has started IYSWIM - once he had had the cocktails there is no way he would forgo the wine, whatever he said beforehand.

prufrock · 03/07/2007 12:37

My dh used to drink excessively - would never really be drunk (which was worrying given the amount he consumed) and could quite easily go without alcohol (so I wasn't worried about an addiction) but entertained clients a lot, which involved significant amounts of very good wine. tbh I didn't mind much - I would be asleep when he came home, he kept it to 2 nights a week (though a 1/2 bottle was normal at lunch and had no real effect on him) and he rarely drank at weekends so any hangovers were on work time not family time. But I was wooried about his health - both because of the weight he had put on and the effects on his liver.

I got him to have a complete health check (bupa and others do them) and the doctors scared the hell out of him. His LFT's showed problems, and they told him he was clinicaly obese and could have heart problems in the future. So he stopped drinking. For a whole year. he does drink ocasionally now, ut significantly less, and has lost 2 stone (He's also become a gym bunny)

Wisteria · 03/07/2007 12:43

Wow - Prufrock what a very uplifting story.
Your dh must be a very strong man - especially if the drinking is work related, awfully hard to stop in that environment IME.

witchandchips · 03/07/2007 12:48

yes boozecruise don't do cocktails before, can you do something nice with dp instead that doesn't involve drinking [rumpy pumpy?] before you go out

Jazzicatz · 03/07/2007 12:50

Sad part is my dp would not take any notice of the doctors. He was ill early in the year and he carried on, he was told he had high colesterol - nothing has changed, he is still very overwieght. Thinks it is all part of his persona!!

Becky456 · 03/07/2007 12:52

Have you got a camcorder?
What about videoing him when he gets in drunk, just so he can see for himself what a boring idiot he turns into when he's drunk.

Wisteria · 03/07/2007 13:06

Depending on character of DH - be careful I tried that with XP and it ended in tears; mine

Original poster
boozecruise · 03/07/2007 13:20

Prufrock how much did the health check cost? I wonder if I could try that, have always steered clear as I thought the gp could do similar, but it may be the shock he needs.

BUT years ago dh went to a gym, after his initial fitness assessment the idiots running the gym told him how fit he was considering he did no exercise, so he never went back.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2007 14:17

boozecruise,

Re your comment:-
"Well his family are drinkers. Middle class bon viveurs who drink most lunch and supper times. Dh has always enjoyed drinking when socialising. When I've challenged him eg to stop for a week he won't".

You have a serious problem on your hands; such behaviours can be learnt as well and I note that his family also drink heavily.

Do you think he is alcoholic/alcohol dependent?. I think at heart you do think this. You do not have to be alcohol dependent to drink every day but your H sounds well on the way to alcoholism (the denial shown by such people is common as is blaming others and the selfishness). Alcoholics are also selfish creatures by nature. His drinking to excess two to three times a week every week will have long term consequences on his health not just to say his liver. His short term memory will also be affected.

You cannot make him see that it is his problem (do not even try because you will fail); he has to have to work that one out for himself and there are no guarantees here. He could end up losing everything but may still carry on drinking.

You need support for your own self and I would urge you to contact Al-anon. They are very good at working with families of problem drinkers.

You also need to think of your children - growing up in a household where Dad is half cut more than once a week every week is no fun at all. They could even go on to adopt damaging relationships as adults i.e trying to be a rescuer or saviour to their partner who drinks heavily or look for needy types to rescue.

Would you leave him over his excessive drinking, it may yet come to that to save your own selves.

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