Porn

[ClawOutMyEyes]

Some advice dealing with this would be great. I know my DH looks at porn. I don't like it but he's pretty confident that it's normal and fine and I'm a prude. He's cheated a few times so really porn is the least of my worries. There's no point moaning about it because he will just gaslight me and tell me I'm an idiot etc. Yes I know he's a dick. I'm living it. No need to point out the obvious to me.

I have discovered that he's been using porn, and I'm pretty sure it's live stream porn, on days when he's been encouraging me to go to my sister's to stay the night. It's one night a week that I go and he can't wait to get rid of me. I figured he would be wanking while I'm away (which is fine. He can do what he likes with his body) but I feel a bit creeped out that he gets rid of me so that he can have a jolly good live stream session. We were separated for a while last year and on the day he moved back in he volunteered to sleep at his old flat on an mattress rather than come home until the last possible moment... I now see that he had a very good time on his own. To me the visual of some grubby middle aged man pulling himself off to live stream porn while perched on a mattress in an empty room has a bit of a whiff of slum-house-crack-dealer type class... but whatever.

I can't leave (won't go into details) so I need an alternative to help me deal with this. I don't intend to turn to God so no point suggesting that one. I've very helpfully uninstalled the porn software from both his computers now. He will know it's me of course and probably think I'm a frigid old cow.

I have thought of a few options:

1. Ask him, be sad and hope to have an adult conversation about my needs (ha!) and how repeated infidelity has left me feeling insecure.

1. Gaslight him like he does (Programme? What's that? You probably deleted it yourself. Are you loosing your mind like your Dad?Your crazy reaction is so weird; ask anyone else and they would say the same.)

1. Get over myself and get a grip.

1. Go all passive aggressive like him and start wiping down his keyboard and leaving boxes of tissues on his pillow (this is so cowardly I don't think I can bring myself to do it. Plus it doesn't achieve anything)

I'm out of ideas but I need to fight my corner here. I'm annoyed about it but really it is pointless expressing that to him. We've been together nearly 3 decades so I have absolutely no faith in being able to converse with him without it ending with me sobbing on the floor.

Am I even right to be annoyed? Am I unreasonable to have thought he could have been grateful that we got back together, rather than making me feel like shit again? Do you think this is cheating? I do sometimes but then I swing into thinking that I am overreacting. But also maybe I am desensitised to infidelity.

From a very confused doormat. Please wipe your feet on my face.

You say you cannot leave and will not go into details. So he in all likelihood knows that as well and uses that against you too, he can and has done as he liked. He knows you won’t leave. You are also the architect of your own emotional demise by thinking that you cannot leave. No obstacle is insurmountable ultimately. You are certainly one hell of a confused doormat and incurred really to his ill treatment of you over many years. It also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

It’s your choice to stay but you are the one who is suffering and martyring yourself here for this individual who is not really worth any more of your years. None of your written options will help or are in fact worth doing, you are wasting yet more time by even considering any of those. I sincerely hope that there are no children involved.

There is no advice to give that makes this situation ok.

Ime, you can't make yourself ok with it. I tried. It wasn't the reason we split in the end, but its the first reason I think of for not trying again. Because he was doing it when things were ok. Not just porn, but endless searching, saving, printing off and keeping images of other women, so e famous, some "readers wives" style. Some explicit, some not. It was like a hobby.

I can't think of anyway you can make this ok. Other than leave.

Porn is ruining lives. The people that make it (like Al Goldstein) by abusing women and selling to men that then get addicted are satanic. The problem will get much much worse when this young generation raised on the internet come through.

I'm sorry I have no real advice but I would suggest combating this addiction and be forthcoming in fixing the real sexual relationship you should have.

I feel a bit bad for taking the piss out of him now to be honest. I think most women hate porn and most men love it. I say most in both those cases, not all. I'm not sure why it upsets me really. I just feel like I'm old/fat/saggy now and there's no way I can be an adequate visual representation of the things I have witnessed in the last few days. There are also some boudoir photos of me taken years ago when I was pretty in the house that he could use. He's not looked at them once.

This post is really sad..you talk about yourself in the lowest terms..Doormat?...what the hell...please don't call yourself that. Stand Tall... I'm not feeling any love here..

Atilla, I did leave. I just came back. Reasons.

Many men AND women look at porn. I’m not sure I’d call it ‘natural’, but it’s certainly been normalised...and in most cases it doesn’t develop into a problem unless it offends one person in a relationship.

The ‘live chats’ are treading thin ground though. It’s sold as porn, but it’s far more personal. It can be a two way thing, instructionals might be given. This, most partners would not be happy with as they would consider it entirely disrespectful, ridiculously gross and possibly cheating.

Having a focus on another women who is not your partner could increase the desire to ‘want to be there in the moment’ i.e. cheat. This is not really acceptable behaviour in any relationship.

Then there’s the cheating that your partner has gotten away with. You’ve unknowingly sent the message that whilst it upset you, you’d stick around.

Your biggest problem as I see it, is the clear lack of respect your partner has for you.

Trying to ‘gaslight’ him won’t work. He’s better at it than you and less moral.

I’m so sad you feel you can’t leave. He doesn’t sound like a decent partner and you deserve so much more. You even realise how pathetic he’s made you and what a doormat you are. That’s no way to live.

You are not being unreasonable or over the top. He however will continue to make you feel that way.

I don't mind DH watching porn but I'd go mental if I knew he was doing live streaming. 1. It costs money. 2. I think it's basically cheating. If he was watching the webcam of a woman who wasn't a porn star it would be cheating. So paying for that is no different in my eyes.

I have no advice. I would be leaving him but if you can't and he won't change anyway even if you talk to him then God knows what the solution is.

You can't compare boudoir photos to porn lol. So he can cheat on you, watch as much porn as he likes and interact with girls to get his socks off and you'll stay with him. He's definitely the cat that got the cream and more. Your seriously silly if you stay with a man who has cheated on you multiple times.

I think the first way to begin to regain your power over your own life is to reframe how you think of your situation. So rather than, 'I can't leave', say to yourself, 'I am choosing to stay because x,y,z'. That leaves open in your mind the alternative choice of leaving. Wasting your own life is probably the price of staying. You may one day decide that the price is too high, and choose to leave.

You've recognised that he doesn't care about you (otherwise the fact of you being upset would matter to him), and tbh, with someone like him, as others have said, there's nothing you can do to change him or the situation. The only dignity you have left is to just ignore the porn, ignore the affairs, live your own life, try to make him less important in your own life.

I hope you find your way out of here. No-one deserves to give up their life for someone else, especially one who thinks nothing of them.

It can actually take more than one attempt to leave. Why did you come back to him?.

I have to say your pulling himself off perched on a crack house style mattress gave me the right giggles....mental image of spud from trainspotting furiously beating his meat..

He has boudoir photos of you and doesn't have an oggle....Rude.

I think option five which would be typing loads of searches of your own for him to find...Maybe huge cock young stud for example

Really though I think his cheating has destroyed your self esteem and this is just insult to injury. I don't see why you'd want to stay with a gas lighting cheat who has destroyed your self esteem. I'm sure there would be guys out there waiting to rip your clothes off instead of encouraging you to go out so they could have a crack house style wank.

Also I don't know for sure that he is live streaming, or even what that entails. all I know is that he access an installed video software that has the capability for live streaming/ camgirls and that he had an add on to allow for live streaming. and the dates he has watched the porn. He also has a clean up add on so I'm guessing he cleans up the stuff I shouldn't see and keeps the porn on there so that he's being partially honest/hiding in plain sight. If I confront him he will say it's normal porn and that the live steaming is to watch the boxing. He will minimise.

I suppose If I go along with the conversation and explain that I don't like the live streaming then he may (deny first) just go back to normal porn. Small consolation.

You say you can't leave but you were separated once before so what has changed? (You don't have to answer on the forum but it's something to think about)
Can't he leave? He was living in another flat when you were separated.

It's a horrible situation to be in.
You are not too sensitive or a prude or frigid or any other of those horrible words you used to describe yourself. He is treating you abominably.
He's really managed to bring you down and make you feel shit about yourself over the 3 decades together.

I don't think there is any solution. He is not going to change. If he was going to do that you would have seen signs of change when you took him back the last time.

There is a solution - but you say it isn't possible - and that is to LTB.

I don't think looking at porn is an issue - trying to get you out the house so he can view it though is. He sounds obsessed. OP surely you don't have to stay with this arsehole

You don't need any plugins/addons for viewing streamed live camgirls (or camboys), it works just in the web browser - half the bigname porn sites have a streaming side now, though it's a lot more 'pro' (by which I mean a lot more seedy and more likely to be dubiously exploitative) than it used to be five years ago. If he's the one with the camera pointing at him, that may take an extra app! I'm not sure, not having done that.

Whereas sport streaming does often require addons and third party apps if it's something that's not available in your local country, in order to fool the service into letting you watch. Usually things that are legit just require a pay subscription and will work in the browser.

Not trying to make any point, just information. Of course if the addons are called something like "P*rnhub Streaming Addon" then, well.

It’s a sad place to be in, but since you decided to come back/stay regardless of what he does - unfortunately - I don’t think you have any leverage over what he does.

It’s totally pointless trying to police him or ask him to change.
Why would he?
At best, he’ll just tell you what you want to hear.
At worst, he’ll say he isn’t changing.
Because you are staying anyway - you don’t have the come back of - if you do ..., I’ll go...

So really - the only way for you to survive is to accept your reality. And find some other source of joy and happiness - friends, hobbies, etc.
Stop expecting him to change and be some other person. He isn’t going to.

Wow, so sad to read, live streaming is disgusting, he has no respect for you OP, you don't sound like you have any for yourself, if you got out of this situation your self esteem would improve greatly.

He's a cheat, a sleaze and no you should not get over yourself, you should get over him by stepping over his disgusting entity; why on earth do women put up with this shit treatment of them.

No not all men LOVE porn, believe it or not some can actually manage a loving sexual relationship without using it, would've thought eh!

Until you get yourself out of this 1950s way of thinking and putting men on a high pedestal that involves abusing you, I am lost at what to tell you other than there is a great life out there for you that does not involve being tied to a cheat.

Going through the exact same thing. He hasn't even tried to have sex with me for MONTHS. We have sex like once every other month and he doesn't finish. It's as if I'm not attractive enough for him. Whatever I'm so over it at this point I don't even care. I'm still here because of our one year old son. He's a good dad and me leaving would mean me moving countries with my son as I moved to england to be with him. This has caused lots of resentment. If he prefers to look at other women on the internet than to have sex with me well then he can go fuck himself. I've caught him on escort websites. And I have a feeling he probably does go on live streams. I wish I never met him. I have so much hate built up inside. For everything. The way he talks to me, treats me. Idk how much longer I can take, but as far as the porn thing I don't even care anymore. The truth is he's not going to stop. So you're either going to have to accept it or leave and find someone better. Btw it doesn't matter what you look like. When someone loves you they love all your imperfections. He obviously doesn't love you, if he did he would for one put you first, treat you kindly and respect you. Fact is, he doesn't care about you, because if he did he wouldn't be doing anything to potentially lose you.

Men who use porn like this are not only disrespectful to their partners by using it, they almost always disrespect their partners in every other way. Basically, the same attitude to women is evident in both behaviours.

They don't like women, and they certainly don't regard them as equal partners in life.

They don't deserve to be in relationships.

OP, you need to leave because that is the only way you can change your life.

What I am wondering is why such an articulate, intelligent, witty and seemingly awesome woman, would be with such a shit guy?

Why you left. Why you returned. Reasons. Click this.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I can wholeheartedly understand why you feel you cannot leave. I'm in the same circumstance and it's simply impossible on a moral, physical and emotional level. If I could I would've left over a decade ago. As others have said it's entirely possible he's cheating in person on you. Not a massive stretch from a porn stream in justifying to himself.

I'm sorry to be harsh but If you won't leave what suggestions are you hoping to find here? His behaviour is not okay and your clearly going to stay with him no matter what he does