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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why cant he see what hes doing?

47 replies

Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 15:38

Me and DH are in our 30's have been together for 15 years, married 10 and we have two boys.

We split up last year for a few months, things werent working we were arguing daily and i didnt want things to start effecting the kids so he moved out, it was a really horrible time for me and the kids. He saw them regularly but my oldest took it hard. We still loved each other and decided to let the past go and move forward together. We didnt tell the kids straight away, we decided to see how things went with us first and we gradually got back to being happy again so he moved back in.

Its now 6 months later and were back to square one, all the things he promised to change last year hes still doing so this has turned me back into this bitter angry person who I didnt want to be ever again. Hes told me he doesnt know how he feels anymore as i always seem in a mood and making him feel down.... well i am because hes constantly doing things that make me feel down. Why cant he see he's the one that's caused this?

I dont know what to say to get through to him that if he just stopped doing these things then id be happy? 'These things' being drugs and being with his friends more than a family man should want to be. I just feel so unimportant.

I know if i was reading this then id be telling the person to leave him but i really dont want to do that. Thats what i did before, and after all that we went through he still hasnt changed. I dont want us to split up, i love him, I just want him to respect me enough as the woman he married and the mother of his kids to put me before a plant!

Anyone else been on the brink with a selfish DH and hes eventually changed?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/01/2019 15:39

You're so many years in and he's still taking drugs, even though you left him for doing that?

WasFatNowThin · 31/01/2019 15:42

You can't change a person, they have to WANT to change.

feralfanny · 31/01/2019 15:43

He won't change.
His actions are shouting that loud and clear.
It's really up to you now.
My ex was an alcoholic - he promised me for years and years that he was going to change but he never did (and never will) so I left him.
Best thing I ever did for myself and my kids

Original poster
Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 15:51

He started taking them when i was pregnant with my oldest and he lost his job. First he started saying hed stop when he found a job, he got a job and then it was he would stop when the baby was born, and now that baby is 7 and hes still doing it, i've had hundreds of broken promises about it since then. He has it less than he used to, he used to have it every single night but its now down to a few times a week. My issue is hes an addict so it needs to be nothing at all, he needs to just cut it out because he could quite easily go to having it every single night again.

I just dont know if im wasting my time on someone who doesnt love me as much as i love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 15:52

Its also about what it does to him as a person, he becomes lazy and stuggles to get himself out of bed, hes out until the early hours at his friends house, he smells too i cant stand the smell.

OP posts:
EMB12 · 31/01/2019 15:53

I don’t really have any advise but I am in a similar situation but first time round for us and I’m trying to decide if I should ride it out and give him the ‘freedom’ he feels he need while staying together or to end things. We also have two children. I just wanted to say I feel your pain - why are men not capeable of seeing how good they have it, why do they need to push us away and hurt us x

AnyFucker · 31/01/2019 15:54

He "sees" perfectly ok, he just doesn't care enough to change

RivanQueen · 31/01/2019 15:55

People don't change unless they want to change. He has shown you time after time that his priority in life is #1 drugs and hanging out with his mates. Somewhere down the list from that are you and your DC's.
The only person you can control in this situation is YOU. So you need to decide if YOU are willing to stay with him while he continues to take drugs and treat you like an option in his life (not a priority) or if YOU are willing to do the right thing by you and your DC's and leave (or get him to leave). You can't rely on him to make this decision, he has been able to continue living his life the way he wants with little to no consequence (yes you split for a while, but you believed his BS, took him back and now you're back at square 1. He will never change, he is proving that to you right now)
It takes a lot of strength to make that choice and follow through with it but I think you know it's the right choice so your son's don't grow up seeing their primary male role model constantly stoned and treating their SO like she means nothing. If they learn this, they will become this.

Original poster
Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 15:56

I have no idea EMB12. Its exhausting, im fed up of feeling down and i dont want to be the nagging wife, i shouldnt have to nag for him to stop this. It's like hes only happy when im not mentioning his habit but if i didnt mention it he would be happy but i wouldnt be. Why is he ok with that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 15:59

RivanQueen i know every word your saying is right but its just so hard when you love someone and you know how good things can be.
He once stopped for 6 weeks because there was a threat of a drugs test for everyone at his workplace, he was like a different person but gradually got back on it because the person he hangs out with does it.

OP posts:
BlueVelvet16 · 31/01/2019 16:00

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

I recently discovered my DH was an addict too. He started when I got pregnant with my DS, just like you. It’s horrible because we love them, but in the end your children need to be your priority- he’s a role model to them and they will learn about how to be in a relationship from you both.

It sounds like he needs professional help - if he wants to change, but can’t do it alone, would he consider joining NA or another mutual aid group? My DH is now attending counselling and specialist drugs services to support him out of addiction.could that be an option for your partner? It’s all free on the NHS, hopefully there’s something in your area.

For me, my DH attending those things and seeking proper support and help was the only way I could stay with him. Boundaries.

Good luck OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2019 16:03

It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with an addict. They will choose drugs over anything else every time.

At this point, you only have yourself to blame for your unhappiness. You know who he is and you are choosing to stay. You must know how pointless that is, surely. Your marriage is over, you just won't let yourself admit yet.

EMB12 · 31/01/2019 16:04

It really is draining as if we didn’t have enough to think about.. we are in excactly the same situations.. what are you thinking of doing? My other half has only in the past 6 months started using and I said to him I just wanted to go back to last year.. drugs would never have come up in a conversation. We don’t see eye to eye on it, he thinks I’m über reacting and I think if he loves me why can’t he just stop? Deep down I know he won’t x

Original poster
Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 16:04

Ive never asked him to be honest, its something i'll look into and mention to him for sure. I've suggested marriage councelling before but he said he didnt want a stranger knowing our business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 16:07

EMB12 i dont know to be honest. I think he knows id never end it, its the last thing i want. I'm just annoyed that ive put up with all i have and now hes decided he doesnt know how he feels due to my mood swings...really after all ive put up with from him?!

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 16:11

He should go to narcotics anonymous. You should have counselling. It's so hard but you need to give up. Put yourself and dc first.

DustyMcDustbuster · 31/01/2019 16:14

Hi @Confused Nothing makes sense to you, as you’re dealing with an active addict. Their life is unmanageable & they are truly not in control. No promises, or cutting down will work, in my experience.

The only way I have known anyone be in recovery from addiction is through a 12 step program (AA, NA, CA). And tbh unless he realises this himself, it won’t change. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh.

FWIW, I am 9 years sober, in AA. I see & speak to addicts almost every day & the story is always the same. Most lose everything & everyone before they realise they need help.

If you want to ask me anything, do feel free to PM x

Original poster
Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 16:27

Thankyou Dusty and Missing.

Ive just googled some NA meetings and theres a couple local to us. I just dont think he is confident enough to go he will just say he doesnt need to he can stop on his own.

He always says its not like he needs it first thing in a morning and its not like hes drinking which he sees as worse. The fact its ruining our relationship should be enough proof he needs to stop.

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 31/01/2019 16:27

You're so many years in and he's still taking drugs, even though you left him for doing that?
Trouble is OP didn't 'leave', she took a little break from a relationship with him.

I think he knows id never end it, its the last thing i want
now hes decided he doesn't know how he feels due to my mood swings

In his head your 'mood swings' resulted in the rows and him being thrown out, then your 'mood' changed (it must have been your change because his behaviour hadn't changed) and he was welcomed back.
In his head he can have his life turned upside down according to your moods, that is a lot to deal with.

I'm sorry OP but he has you over a barrel, either you leave or you accept it is not going to change and carry on as best you can.

NotANotMan · 31/01/2019 16:31

Your husband is a gross, smelly drug using selfish boring man. When will enough be enough?

SpinneyHill · 31/01/2019 16:33

The fact its ruining our relationship should be enough proof he needs to stop.

Except he has convinced himself that your moody responses to his drug use are ruining the relationship.

Denials a bitch to deal with

mansneverhot · 31/01/2019 16:35

If he's smoking weed just bin him off and move on, you'll never come first, the kids will never come first, it's so annoying but there's no chance he'll decide to change unless the rest of his life changes around him first/

You can do better, he doesn't deserve his family.

DustyMcDustbuster · 31/01/2019 16:36

The thing is, needing it in the morning is not the benchmark of addiction. I never drank in the morning. Or ended up on a park bench. I was very much a functioning alcoholic.

BUT - is it “costing” him more than money? Yes. Your relationship, his job, his home if you boot him out...

All addicts think they can stop by self will alone. How many are successful? Every addict I know has said they tried that. I was told to try controlled drinking. I didn’t manage it, and even forgot that my GP had ever suggested it.

My advice to anyone living with an addict would be, tough love. Don’t think you can love them out of it. My ex was an addict & still is. This was before my own addiction & I thought I could save him. He always said he could stop anytime he wanted. He lost relationships, children, his home (plus someone set fire to his front door), jobs... still couldn’t admit it.

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 16:37

Do you want dc to grow up with this? It will affect them for life

bumpertobumper · 31/01/2019 16:38

What sort of drugs?
If he is smoking weed, then although it is habit forming it is not a physical addiction where the body craves it ( like nicotine, cocaine heroin etc). As such it is 'easier' to give up if you want to.

You can't change him, only your reaction. I suspect that he may justify his behaviour as needing to get stoned to get respite from the nagging wife - I am not saying this is justified - but could be his perspective.

Whatever about the rights and wrongs of your relationship there are two of you in it, you are both playing a role in the dynamic. The only part of this you can change is your own...

You say you don't want to give up on your relationship, and that he so far has resisted couples counselling, which is a shame as it could really help.

Which leaves you with changing your reaction to his behaviour. You acknowledge that this won't make you happy long term , but in the short term it possibly could adjust the dynamics between the two of you, which maybe could lead to more productive conversations and him deciding to adjust himself too.

When you got back together did you really listen to and understand each other and what had gone wrong? Look up Esther Perel, she is a psychotherapist who has done a series of podcasts on relationships, there might be some useful information.

Drug users and alcoholics can and do change. Not always, not all of them, but it is possible. My dp did and we are both happier than ever.

Just another perspective rather than the ltb chorus...